"Thankya, thankya very much..."
As a member of the "Baby Elvis Clan" I am pleased to announce that today would have been the 70th birthday of The King.
Back home, this day – as well as August 16 – was celebrated and acknowledged like any bank holiday. I was a big fan as a little girl, and I still love his music, despite the whole controversy. My favorite Elvis song is “Surrender”, but my favorite treat always came on his birthday. The local oldies station always played this live version of “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” in which Elvis, who’d been teasing a balding man in the front row, changes the lyrics to continue to rib this guy, and gets himself so tickled that he can’t stop laughing and finish the song. His backup singers come to the rescue and help him close out the number, but for those couple of minutes, you get to hear the beautiful, beautiful sound of Elvis laughing deep belly laughs – a rare treat, especially during that time of his life.
Today is also the birthday of one of my best patrons, Doug W.
Doug and his wife Sharon are good people (and new citizens – they were SERIOUS “ferriners” before*) as well as avid readers. Sharon and I share similar taste in novels (she has turned me on to a few of my favorite new authors and titles) and Doug keeps the ‘M’ section hot, and likes some of my odd recommendations. They also have great taste in movies, and will trust me to make a suggestion in that department from time to time too. They’re both smart and pragmatic, they have good senses of humor, and they don’t make fun of my accent. I won’t even call them “durn Yankees”, in fact. Just “good neighbors”. : )
Happy birthday to you, Doug, and to The King, wherever you are. My present to Doug (and all the rest of you) is a link to this sweet site where someone found and posted a wav file of this great song!
(in case the hyperlink doesn't work, here's the url:
http://spiritoftruth.freeservers.com/web3/lonesometonightelvis.html )
Tomorrow is the birthday of my Gramaw Winnie, Richard M. Nixon (who I met when I was 9, and who sent Gramaw a birthday card every year for many years, even after he was impeached) and our friend Dan, who will be 21. Happy birthday to Dan, and to Winnie Atsie and Mr. Nixon, wherever y’all are too. Gramaw, I hope you are teaching Mr. Nixon some lessons about eavesdropping – and how to make a good lemon pie. Share some with Elvis and tell him I said “Thanks”, please.
I hope y’all enjoy this song. I’d begun to think I’d never hear it again, much less be able to share it with all of you - “All hail the mighty ‘net!”
Much love,
-s
p.s. I still have some issues and clarifications to add to yesterdays' rant, but I'll wait 'till next week and see if anybody gives a damn anyway.
*They came all the way from CANADA!
Saturday, January 08, 2005
Friday, January 07, 2005
Another year, another chance…
Well, it seems that the #1 topic in the blogworld for the last week has been “New Year’s Resolutions”. So (take a picture, this doesn’t happen often), I’m jumpin’ on the bandwagon.
I have made several resolutions. Chris and I have promised to be more considerate of each other in certain ways – I won’t discuss them here, not because they are naughty (cheeky monkies) but because they are private, couple issue stuff that he’d probably be pissed about if I discussed it here. Suffice it to say that it is working, we are seeing a difference in the stress levels at home, and having even better talks, more laughs, and finding more moosh in every moment. Nice.
I’ve also resolved to change some health factor stuff (X too, exercise more, eat out less, etc.), and so far, so good with those. I actually lost FIVE POUNDS over the holidays. I read today that most people gain six. Of course, I’ve changed meds again, and one thing that I’ll miss with the Cymbalta is the whole “anorexia” side effect. Now I’ve been switched to something REALLY scary that I’ve actually decided I’m not going to take because I’d rather be depressed than have tardive dyskenesia (which, once it develops, will most likely NEVER go away), hand tremors
(!@#$ THAT!!!), be unable to feel my face, and pee every time I sneeze/cough/laugh.
You THINK I’m depressed NOW? How d’y’all think I’d feel if I had trembling hands (no art), “uncontrollable worm-like movements of the tongue and uncontrolled chewing movements” (SERIOUS vanity issues), and incontinence (WTF!)? Without these drugs, there’s only a percentage chance that I might hurt/kill myself and/or others, be too sad to art, etc. With these drugs, it’s only a small percentage chance that I WON’T. It’s supposed to stop the hallucinations that I think the Cymbalta caused, and I can’t really see the point of prescribing one drug to counteract the hallucinations caused by another drug. There is an outside chance that the hallucinations are not caused by the drug (and in fact, is not listed in ANY of the side effects), but by the onset of Paranoid Schizophrenia- which runs in my family, and often sets in at my age. Great. Just what I need. To be MORE crazy. *sigh *
But that I can live with. Tardive dyskenesia and palsied hands I can NOT.
So, another of my resolutions is to try harder to relieve some of the stress that causes the depression, and to get out of the fishbowl environment that exacerbates the depression (‘cause let’s face it folks, nothing is happier than being FORCED to pretend to be cheerful and helpful and tolerant of abuse when you’re !#$% depressed ALREADY, right?). In other words, work harder and establish more definite goals toward becoming a freelance artist and getting out of the 9-5 bureaucratic grind (ie: away from l’auber!#$%gine). I’d have more time to do things that relieve my depression over the world situation (volunteer work*, exercise, write letters to soldiers AND politicians, protest, SLEEP…); over my past (therapy, yoga, exercise, martial arts, ART, volunteer for more organizations that help domestic abuse victims and abused children…); and over my health and mortality (take better care of myself, cook healthier meals more efficiently, maybe make a small garden, meditate, MAKE ART!, get into a more allergy friendly environment, travel, try some of the million new things I want to try, and just generally carpe some more !#$% DIEM…).
That pretty much covers the basic resolutions.
I did however make one major resolution, that for some reason caused my sweet boyfriend to fall on the floor LAUGHING. Hmph. Then he told our friend Dan, who had a very similar reaction, so that has inspired me to ask other folks what they think about it.
The resolution in question is that:
I resolve to be less of a doormat in the future, and to be more open and honest with my thoughts and feelings.
Chris said “Well, that’s gonna be real easy – ON YOUR DESERTED ISLAND!”. Dan said “Oh, yeah, no more Ms. Nice-Sam.” Hmph.
After the laughter and jokes receded to where I could speak again, I pointed out to them that if someone as outspoken, assertive and blunt as myself is holding back something, then that something must be really BAD, right? And then I gave them some examples. This at least stopped the laughter and caused them to think a little.
Later, X and I had a really good discussion about it, and I was finally able to make him see my side. I won’t rehash that here, but I’d sure like to know what you all think about this, and if you have any questions re: this resolution, ASK ME! I can go ahead and say that, no, I am not going to go around abusing people and calling it honesty. One of the most important things about this resolution actually, is that it is seriously causing me to have to think more about my opinions and about what I can and cannot tolerate and why. If this is going to be ‘The Year of Brutal Honesty’, then I am going to start with myself first. So far I’ve been working on:
“Sam, you are extremely judgmental and opinionated…”;
“Sam, you are a harsh taskmistress (I honestly believe that if I can do something, anyone can, and I expect no less from them than I expect from myself…)”;
“Sam, you are very inflexible and unforgiving…”;
“Sam, you don’t take very good care of yourself…”;
“Sam, you have to face your addiction problems…”;
“Sam, you are bad with finances and you MUST do better…”;
“Sam, you like people a lot less than you seem to…”
and
“Sam, you are too much of a perfectionist and too hard on yourself as well as others...”
Hopefully I will spend the whole year working on my own brutal truths, and will never get around to any of my friends and family members. They’ll just have to suffer under the “No More Doormat” clause and the “Really Saying What’s On My Mind” factor, which – hopefully – won’t be worse than normal, just more of what they’re used to. And of course, there’s the whole “preparing myself to deal with everyone dropping me like a bad habit” factor, but frankly, thanks to mom**, that’s not such a big deal. “Been there, !#$% that.”
Frankly, I’d rather have 5 friends that are REAL friends, people I can be TRULY honest with, who actually respect my opinions and like me for what I really am, and who try to be as considerate of me as I try to be of them, issue-wise. Friends who appreciate my honesty and who DON’T !#$% EAT LIKE !#$% PIGS AND TALK WITH THEIR MOUTHS FULL IN FRONT OF ME AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO AND TALK TO ME LIKE AN IDIOT CHILD AND EXPECT ME TO TOLERATE PASSIVE AGGRESSION AND TO LET THEM GET AWAY WITH B.S. EXCUSES FOR WHY THEIR LIVES ARE CRAP WHEN I KNOW THEY CAN DO BETTER (etc.) because they know I hate it, and appreciate the fact that I TRY HARDER TO SHOW UP ON TIME AND NOT CAMP-DIRECT EVERYTHING AND KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT ABOUT MY OPINIONS (sometimes) AND GET SO !#$% MAD AND LET THEM OFF THE HOOK (occasionally) FOR NOT BEING AS _________ AS THEY CAN BE AND NOT ISOLATE MYSELF AS MUCH AND BE LESS OF A BOWLING BALL SOMETIMES (etc.) because I know they hate it –
- rather than have 1,000 good friends with whom I often have to bite my tongue and just flat out LIE.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate my friends. You all read my blog – you know how much I love, admire and appreciate them. It’s just that life is too short to be as mad as I get as often as I do and don’t say a word. And yes, I’ve thought about it, the compromise of trying harder to not get mad about the things that drive me so crazy -
(like people smacking their !@#$ food, talking about things that make me sick or uncomfortable, attempting to control my time – or any other part of me – unnecessarily, taking over my space without any consideration, ignoring me or blowing me off when I am talking about something that matters to me because they are not as happy with their own current situation in life, blowing smoke in my face, or smoking while I eat, generally being rude, or any other OBVIOUS polite, common-sense civilities that are basically expected of ALL OF US…)
- is not worth the biting of my tongue and swallowing my anger and stress FOR A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO DON’T GIVE A RATS’ @$$ ABOUT THE FACT THAT THESE THINGS DRIVE ME CRAZY, CAUSE ME STRESS, HURT MY FEELINGS, OR JUST FLAT-OUT PISS ME OFF.
And if you consider yourself my good friend, and you feel like you fall into any of these categories and that you don’t feel so bad about doing these things to me because I do things that make YOU crazy, and you just swallow it too – then SAY SOMETHING***. Can I set any more of an example? Are you afraid I’ll blow up? Oh yeah, that’d be new and scary. ?!?!? Are you afraid I’ll stop speaking to you? Chances are, I’ll respect you even more and feel even closer to you if you speak up; and if I don’t, then you’ll have one less @$$hole in your life, too. You might also help me with my most important goal, and that is to learn more about myself and be the very best person that I can be.
Or maybe you feel as if I am unjust and unbalanced, and don’t deserve these considerations? If that’s the case, then why are you even friends with me in the first place?
Most importantly, with all these considerations in mind, if you are on this list, and I haven’t lambasted you so clearly that you know how I feel, or just quit speaking to you altogether, ask yourself ‘Why?’. If you know for a fact that there is no one that I can’t walk away from, no one that I can’t do without, and that loneliness is not a fear of mine, then ask yourself why I have kept my mouth shut and swallowed all this anger and frustration.
Yes, ‘familiarity breeds contempt’, but the fact that Chris (brave, brave man…) and I manage to live together in that tiny space, and be who we are, and still grow closer and love each other more every day, tells me that it is possible to overcome this. Believe me, it’s not because we swallow our frustrations. It’s because we are learning how to tell each other how we feel in respectable ways, and because we are trying harder to give each other the respect we think the other deserves and be more conscious about not doing these things that drive each other so crazy. That’s all it takes…
AND IF I CAN DO IT, ANYBODY CAN!!!
Happy New Year, folks. SPEAK YO MIND!!!!!!!!!!
Much love – and honesty,
-s
p.s. random footnote****
*@ the library – on !#$% SATURDAYS – is TOP of my list.
**by the way, remember that picture I talked about, with my mom and her sister standing in front of the helicopter? Well, Andi asked to see it, and when I showed her, I realized that it was my Aunt Mary wearing the bandage on her leg, not Josie. That’s one more exceedingly rare tender spot for her, dissolved in the light of the truth. Well, I can tell myself that Mary deserves my tenderness more anyway. “Que sera, sera…” How !#$% ironic is it that she used to sing that song to me?
***or just !#$% off. That works too.
****Jon Stewart has a photo of Vin Diesel in his (v.v. funny and scathingly true) book “America”.
Well, it seems that the #1 topic in the blogworld for the last week has been “New Year’s Resolutions”. So (take a picture, this doesn’t happen often), I’m jumpin’ on the bandwagon.
I have made several resolutions. Chris and I have promised to be more considerate of each other in certain ways – I won’t discuss them here, not because they are naughty (cheeky monkies) but because they are private, couple issue stuff that he’d probably be pissed about if I discussed it here. Suffice it to say that it is working, we are seeing a difference in the stress levels at home, and having even better talks, more laughs, and finding more moosh in every moment. Nice.
I’ve also resolved to change some health factor stuff (X too, exercise more, eat out less, etc.), and so far, so good with those. I actually lost FIVE POUNDS over the holidays. I read today that most people gain six. Of course, I’ve changed meds again, and one thing that I’ll miss with the Cymbalta is the whole “anorexia” side effect. Now I’ve been switched to something REALLY scary that I’ve actually decided I’m not going to take because I’d rather be depressed than have tardive dyskenesia (which, once it develops, will most likely NEVER go away), hand tremors
(!@#$ THAT!!!), be unable to feel my face, and pee every time I sneeze/cough/laugh.
You THINK I’m depressed NOW? How d’y’all think I’d feel if I had trembling hands (no art), “uncontrollable worm-like movements of the tongue and uncontrolled chewing movements” (SERIOUS vanity issues), and incontinence (WTF!)? Without these drugs, there’s only a percentage chance that I might hurt/kill myself and/or others, be too sad to art, etc. With these drugs, it’s only a small percentage chance that I WON’T. It’s supposed to stop the hallucinations that I think the Cymbalta caused, and I can’t really see the point of prescribing one drug to counteract the hallucinations caused by another drug. There is an outside chance that the hallucinations are not caused by the drug (and in fact, is not listed in ANY of the side effects), but by the onset of Paranoid Schizophrenia- which runs in my family, and often sets in at my age. Great. Just what I need. To be MORE crazy. *sigh *
But that I can live with. Tardive dyskenesia and palsied hands I can NOT.
So, another of my resolutions is to try harder to relieve some of the stress that causes the depression, and to get out of the fishbowl environment that exacerbates the depression (‘cause let’s face it folks, nothing is happier than being FORCED to pretend to be cheerful and helpful and tolerant of abuse when you’re !#$% depressed ALREADY, right?). In other words, work harder and establish more definite goals toward becoming a freelance artist and getting out of the 9-5 bureaucratic grind (ie: away from l’auber!#$%gine). I’d have more time to do things that relieve my depression over the world situation (volunteer work*, exercise, write letters to soldiers AND politicians, protest, SLEEP…); over my past (therapy, yoga, exercise, martial arts, ART, volunteer for more organizations that help domestic abuse victims and abused children…); and over my health and mortality (take better care of myself, cook healthier meals more efficiently, maybe make a small garden, meditate, MAKE ART!, get into a more allergy friendly environment, travel, try some of the million new things I want to try, and just generally carpe some more !#$% DIEM…).
That pretty much covers the basic resolutions.
I did however make one major resolution, that for some reason caused my sweet boyfriend to fall on the floor LAUGHING. Hmph. Then he told our friend Dan, who had a very similar reaction, so that has inspired me to ask other folks what they think about it.
The resolution in question is that:
I resolve to be less of a doormat in the future, and to be more open and honest with my thoughts and feelings.
Chris said “Well, that’s gonna be real easy – ON YOUR DESERTED ISLAND!”. Dan said “Oh, yeah, no more Ms. Nice-Sam.” Hmph.
After the laughter and jokes receded to where I could speak again, I pointed out to them that if someone as outspoken, assertive and blunt as myself is holding back something, then that something must be really BAD, right? And then I gave them some examples. This at least stopped the laughter and caused them to think a little.
Later, X and I had a really good discussion about it, and I was finally able to make him see my side. I won’t rehash that here, but I’d sure like to know what you all think about this, and if you have any questions re: this resolution, ASK ME! I can go ahead and say that, no, I am not going to go around abusing people and calling it honesty. One of the most important things about this resolution actually, is that it is seriously causing me to have to think more about my opinions and about what I can and cannot tolerate and why. If this is going to be ‘The Year of Brutal Honesty’, then I am going to start with myself first. So far I’ve been working on:
“Sam, you are extremely judgmental and opinionated…”;
“Sam, you are a harsh taskmistress (I honestly believe that if I can do something, anyone can, and I expect no less from them than I expect from myself…)”;
“Sam, you are very inflexible and unforgiving…”;
“Sam, you don’t take very good care of yourself…”;
“Sam, you have to face your addiction problems…”;
“Sam, you are bad with finances and you MUST do better…”;
“Sam, you like people a lot less than you seem to…”
and
“Sam, you are too much of a perfectionist and too hard on yourself as well as others...”
Hopefully I will spend the whole year working on my own brutal truths, and will never get around to any of my friends and family members. They’ll just have to suffer under the “No More Doormat” clause and the “Really Saying What’s On My Mind” factor, which – hopefully – won’t be worse than normal, just more of what they’re used to. And of course, there’s the whole “preparing myself to deal with everyone dropping me like a bad habit” factor, but frankly, thanks to mom**, that’s not such a big deal. “Been there, !#$% that.”
Frankly, I’d rather have 5 friends that are REAL friends, people I can be TRULY honest with, who actually respect my opinions and like me for what I really am, and who try to be as considerate of me as I try to be of them, issue-wise. Friends who appreciate my honesty and who DON’T !#$% EAT LIKE !#$% PIGS AND TALK WITH THEIR MOUTHS FULL IN FRONT OF ME AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO AND TALK TO ME LIKE AN IDIOT CHILD AND EXPECT ME TO TOLERATE PASSIVE AGGRESSION AND TO LET THEM GET AWAY WITH B.S. EXCUSES FOR WHY THEIR LIVES ARE CRAP WHEN I KNOW THEY CAN DO BETTER (etc.) because they know I hate it, and appreciate the fact that I TRY HARDER TO SHOW UP ON TIME AND NOT CAMP-DIRECT EVERYTHING AND KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT ABOUT MY OPINIONS (sometimes) AND GET SO !#$% MAD AND LET THEM OFF THE HOOK (occasionally) FOR NOT BEING AS _________ AS THEY CAN BE AND NOT ISOLATE MYSELF AS MUCH AND BE LESS OF A BOWLING BALL SOMETIMES (etc.) because I know they hate it –
- rather than have 1,000 good friends with whom I often have to bite my tongue and just flat out LIE.
It’s not that I don’t appreciate my friends. You all read my blog – you know how much I love, admire and appreciate them. It’s just that life is too short to be as mad as I get as often as I do and don’t say a word. And yes, I’ve thought about it, the compromise of trying harder to not get mad about the things that drive me so crazy -
(like people smacking their !@#$ food, talking about things that make me sick or uncomfortable, attempting to control my time – or any other part of me – unnecessarily, taking over my space without any consideration, ignoring me or blowing me off when I am talking about something that matters to me because they are not as happy with their own current situation in life, blowing smoke in my face, or smoking while I eat, generally being rude, or any other OBVIOUS polite, common-sense civilities that are basically expected of ALL OF US…)
- is not worth the biting of my tongue and swallowing my anger and stress FOR A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO DON’T GIVE A RATS’ @$$ ABOUT THE FACT THAT THESE THINGS DRIVE ME CRAZY, CAUSE ME STRESS, HURT MY FEELINGS, OR JUST FLAT-OUT PISS ME OFF.
And if you consider yourself my good friend, and you feel like you fall into any of these categories and that you don’t feel so bad about doing these things to me because I do things that make YOU crazy, and you just swallow it too – then SAY SOMETHING***. Can I set any more of an example? Are you afraid I’ll blow up? Oh yeah, that’d be new and scary. ?!?!? Are you afraid I’ll stop speaking to you? Chances are, I’ll respect you even more and feel even closer to you if you speak up; and if I don’t, then you’ll have one less @$$hole in your life, too. You might also help me with my most important goal, and that is to learn more about myself and be the very best person that I can be.
Or maybe you feel as if I am unjust and unbalanced, and don’t deserve these considerations? If that’s the case, then why are you even friends with me in the first place?
Most importantly, with all these considerations in mind, if you are on this list, and I haven’t lambasted you so clearly that you know how I feel, or just quit speaking to you altogether, ask yourself ‘Why?’. If you know for a fact that there is no one that I can’t walk away from, no one that I can’t do without, and that loneliness is not a fear of mine, then ask yourself why I have kept my mouth shut and swallowed all this anger and frustration.
Yes, ‘familiarity breeds contempt’, but the fact that Chris (brave, brave man…) and I manage to live together in that tiny space, and be who we are, and still grow closer and love each other more every day, tells me that it is possible to overcome this. Believe me, it’s not because we swallow our frustrations. It’s because we are learning how to tell each other how we feel in respectable ways, and because we are trying harder to give each other the respect we think the other deserves and be more conscious about not doing these things that drive each other so crazy. That’s all it takes…
AND IF I CAN DO IT, ANYBODY CAN!!!
Happy New Year, folks. SPEAK YO MIND!!!!!!!!!!
Much love – and honesty,
-s
p.s. random footnote****
*@ the library – on !#$% SATURDAYS – is TOP of my list.
**by the way, remember that picture I talked about, with my mom and her sister standing in front of the helicopter? Well, Andi asked to see it, and when I showed her, I realized that it was my Aunt Mary wearing the bandage on her leg, not Josie. That’s one more exceedingly rare tender spot for her, dissolved in the light of the truth. Well, I can tell myself that Mary deserves my tenderness more anyway. “Que sera, sera…” How !#$% ironic is it that she used to sing that song to me?
***or just !#$% off. That works too.
****Jon Stewart has a photo of Vin Diesel in his (v.v. funny and scathingly true) book “America”.
