life is certainly a hectic, hurried mess. not just mine i mean, and not specifically at all. the whole thing is. it seems almost impossible to imagine that with the physical reality that we have been handed, we could somehow carve out music and art and love and architecture and sushi. it's a miracle that the varied and strange forces on this planet managed to evolve and evoke... "stumbleupon.com". for example, if all people were more like me, we'd still be worrying about tigers and how to find a consistent source of fruit. my cave walls would be gorgeous though. :)
the trick seems to be to seek out and hold on to the joy. that's another neat thing we've managed turn from biology into art. joy in animals pretty much equals safe environment, plentiful food, good den, good pack and/or mating pool, and the time and ability to slack off and play a little. think about the varied riffs on joy we get! from super subtle (opening a new bag of coffee) to extreme sports (madame butterfly + javier bardem + a nice palette of ben nye body paints and a good, good brush...) and all the shades in between and far, far beyond my own imaginations' rather pale spectrum, i am sure*. as dangerous and varied as life on this planet is, every single little bit of joy - contentment, humour, peace-of-mind, fun, pleasure, whatever - that we manage to carve out of the craziness of just existing, subsisting, is a miracle! and yet there is so much of it. it's crazy to me. it's also crazy that i have only just begun to realize all of this. being able to admit to myself that bad things happen because that's how life is, and to be able to accept that i am the kind of person who
does accept that, prepare for that as best i can, and be there for people when things like that happen helps me be able to also be the kind of person who can generate joy like a little power station - and encourage others to do and be the same. i've said to myself and my friends over and over since i was in the crisis stabilization center again - only the bad in life is GUARANTEED. hard times, illness, death, need, injury, sadness, pain, all those things are for sure. it is the nature of existence. we can certainly
fight those things - and we do, in beautiful and weird ways - but one can no more stop forces like hurricanes and the bush regime than the 'man in the moon'. some things, you just have to wait out and pick up the pieces as best as you can. and have you noticed? we weird beasts have managed to find a way to even make carve joy out of THAT. remember the aftermath of september 11? remember how we all came out and came to each other and found love and respect and personal patriotism** and then went on with our brilliant and bizarre lives?
i guess i'm just amazed today. our own life is not easy. we have some serious worries and responsibilities right now. not one thing is certain, we are not getting any younger, etc., etc.
but i feel content. it's not just the meds, or the recent spring days - though i am grateful for the push those things give me - it's making the decision to look at now. to be grateful for whatever i have. to find joy in loving others, not fear. to let go of some things. to face old stuff and make hard choices about it. to follow my dreams, no matter how small or complex. to listen to my heart. it says: "thump thump. thump thump."
-s
*it's not that i am unimaginative, it's that i am so EASILY amused and distracted by every everyday thing. i never get a chance to get to the really far out stuff! :)
**meaning not for our government or the "symbol that is america" but just for each other as a sympathetic sad and scared neighborhood. same with katrina aftermath...
