“The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.”   - Thomas Szasz

 

It occurs to me that the problem is mine. Is me. It is that I can't get along. What is wrong with me that I can't tolerate the acceptance of hypocrisy and abuse? All signs point to the fact that this is what society in general expects of me, what most people seem to manage every day, and yet I just can't. It would be easy to say "No, you just won't.", but only if you don't know me, or know anyone like me. I'm almost certain that it is directly related to the environment and situations in which I was raised. While other children were learning to turn the other cheek, I was learning that if you do that, you are going to get hit on the other cheek, and then the person who hit you and everyone who saw it will know that you're a chump, there for the hitting. I - and every single cell in my body - says !@#$ THAT.

As much as I would like to be peaceful and good, as much as I admire people who are, I also know that the world needs people like me who will not accept the status quo, who would rather be alone than tolerate the ridiculous, shifty bull$#*! that often passes for "civilized behavior".

 

  "The berserker's place in society was limited by the terror and violence that was associated with berserkergang. As superb warriors, they were due admiration. However... the berserk skirted the classification of niðingr, one who was the lowest of men and the object of hate and scorn." -VAL

 

What I can do about this is soul-search, think and learn. I can try to find a moral balance, a sense of responsibility to my fellow citizens and my own place in this world (which, whether i like it or not, for the time being, is what it is) and do my best to be true to what I believe, based on that. 

For whatever reasons* when I was shaping my personality, I chose the path of the Hero. Honor, dignity, honesty, standing up for the vulnerable and weak, fighting against injustice and any other dragon that crossed my path. If I ever had a choice to be another way, I don't remember it. I'm not a good hero, which is why I have a picture of Marv and not Superman. I fail. I am blind. I am judgmental and harsh. I am short-tempered and prone to violence. I have to struggle every day to try to be productive and fit in, or hide and be myself. But I understand that this ain't cool, and that I have to try to be a productive part of society. Forgiveness is important to give to others, but in my opinion, forgiving another is also something you do for yourself. It hurts to hold on to anger and resentment. It diminishes your own life. I feel that often, the people who hurt or wronged you don't really care if you forgive them or not. If you hold on to whatever they did to you and let it steep, and eat at you and worry you, then you are just continuing their dirty work. Again, every single cell in my body - says !@#$ THAT.

I cannot forget. My problem is that forgiving and forgetting often seem the same. I find that this is often how the wrong-doer sees it. I feel that if you really remember, then it is difficult to truly forgive. The wrong-doer often seems to feel that if you forgive them, then you have forgotten their wrongs. Maybe this is why the only thing that has ever seemed to really work for me is to remove myself completely from the life of the person who has done me wrong. It solves a lot of problems, and is not an unkind solution. I am then able to let go of my fear of being hurt or wronged again, they no longer have to deal with my extreme inability to accept/forgive/forget, and with the exception of "Where is Sam" (which in the case of a former friend, can be only slightly noticeable, but in the case of a mother/daughter is a huge flashing red warning sign - I hope.) the wrong-doer can go about their daily lives with no interference or protest from me. I can then move on, hopefully wiser, and use my instinct, intellect and powers of observation to not associate with like-minded people in the future. I don't let it ruin my life. The past, the present - they are what they are. Sometimes they hurt, sometimes I struggle, but I refuse to use it as an excuse, and I refuse to let it ruin the joyful, full, exciting, adventurous life I have now. 

But I know things would be different if I were still involved in the lives of the people with whom I am poisoned. And that's the real point of this post.

Despite my best intentions to make good choices and not invite harmful idiots and abusers into my life, I am not perfect, and I have met a few. Some of them have come by association with good people - and that poses a whole OTHER problem. Even when I have finally come to my senses and removed my self (as calmly and peaceably as possible) from an association with those harmful people, I may have friends and loved ones (my partner) who still choose to continue their association with them, and that's where things get REALLY tricky. My intensely judgmental nature causes me to immediately think "Well, if these guys continue to hang out with and support these idiots, they must be idiots too. They must WANT the abuse..." but logic and calm reasoning also permits me to see that everything just isn't so black and white. Perhaps my friends and loved ones have a different kind of relationship with the idiot/abuser in question. Perhaps they have their own demons to wrestle. Perhaps they just aren't like me, and don't LOVE to burn bridges. I say, if the bridge is dangerous, burn it. Don't shore it up. Don't wast time rebuilding and reinforcing. BURN THAT !@#$ER! yay, fire! And one less way for the enemy to cross the river. I'm a GOOD swimmer. 

Either way, it causes me to question some of my close relationships, which doesn't always have to be a bad thing, and sometimes doubt my closest friends, which almost always is a bad thing. It also causes me to occasionally have to put up with the idiots that I chose to walk away from (sometimes in defense of the same people who continue to associate with them!!!) in social situations, which almost always SUCKS. The worst part though is doubting my friends and their motives and self-confidence, as well as their trust in me, my trust in them, and their concern for my feelings and opinions. I just have to keep working on that. (No shortage of soul-searching in this life.) And I can usually talk to them about it. That helps.

 

Luckily, I put off enough vibe that, even when I do encounter these people (the idiots), they avoid me like the plague. Even if I am standing right next to a friend that they are still friendly with, they will avoid even eye contact with me, and that's just fine with me. It's especially amusing when I have not threatened the IiQ (Idiot in Question), had any kind of harsh words with them, or made any other aggressive moves or statements toward them, etc. (and I prefer not to, I just stop having anything to do with them) and they still do this. It lets me know that they can't face me - for whatever reason - and that justifies my decision in the first place. Why can't they look at me or talk to me, if I've said nothing or done nothing wrong to them? I think the answer is pretty clear: they know how I feel and they know I feel that way for a good reason and they don't want to face that reality. And I don't blame them. But the fact that my other friends still 'play friendly' with them (even though 100% of the time they have ultimately confessed that they feel the same way I do, if not worse, because they were the ones who were originally wronged) allows these IiQ to pretend and convince themselves that all is well, all is forgiven, it was just a little glitch, whatever, and then they go on being the exact same asshole as before. Maybe worse, because they got no punishment from whomever they wronged. BAD DOG!!! NO COOKIE!!!

I'm writing this for strangers who have this same problem. I'm writing this to get it off my chest. I'm writing this as a way to clearly communicate my feelings and problems with this to the people I love and DON'T want to lose. Some bridges ARE worth repairing. But how do you tell someone you love "This bridge is worth saving, but if you keep letting the !@#$% idiots and assholes use YOUR bridge to get to MY side of the river, well... !@#$ THAT. I have matches, and no time for idiots and assholes. Sorry."

I guess just like that.

Please stop giving cookies to bad dogs. They WILL bite you, and you WILL come and ask me to clean your wound, and I'll do it. And then I'll start thinking of you as one of the bad dogs. And then the next time, you'll have to ask someone else for help, and I don't want that. I want to be one of the GOOD dogs, who is always there for you.

*woof*

-s

* I basically blame wrestling, The Lord of the Rings and the fact that most people around me were NOT heroes.

**my brother assures me that they are safe and under the watchful eye of the DSS due to their own shitty parents, and i just have to hope that this is true.