i feel a strange sense of disgust mixed with intense pride over how easy it is for me to walk away from people and situations once i've been hurt.
i think the disgust does not really belong to me. it feels like "tv" programming. "the brady bunch" or "grape ape" or "the ptl club"* somehow embedded in me the thought that i should be ashamed of my graceful and powerful ability to hold a grudge (and therefore keep myself safe). this obviously happened before i was old enough to realize that 'grape ape' was completely full of $#^!.
part of my problem is that despite my well-developed traits of paranoia and hyper-vigilance, i am often ridiculously and blindly trusting. i realize that this is a good - if dangerous - quality. it allows me to be more open to possibilty than i might have been if i hadn't been intelligent enough to realize that not EVERYone in the world was as vicious and/or irresponsible as my parents. but it also leaves me open to a lot of heartache and disappointment. i am, however a VERY strong subscriber to the "first time, shame on you..."** school. this, combined with the spirit and mentality of a person who has moved (i think) 63 times, who has an uncanny memory, and a stubborn streak wider than the delta sky, well... makes for less christmas presents to buy.

the disgusted part of me says "you should forgive and forget..." and "let it go..." and "try and trust..."
the PROUD part of me says "bugger all that for a !@#$ LARK! nuke 'em till they glow and shoot 'em in the dark!" and "yay, one (or ten) less people to worry and wonder about! less xmas prezzies to buy!". oh, and of course it also says:
"!@#$ 'EM, FEED 'EM FISH-HEADS!!!"

karmically speaking, i may be shooting myself in the foot (or tentacle, or scillae, depending on how good or bad my reincarnative prospects really are...), but right now, i'm trying to cope on THIS plane. i'm not going knocking on people's doors (or busting into their weddings, or callling their work) to tell them what insensitive, obsessed, cowardly*** slug-weasels they are. i'm not publishing it in any newspapers, or even calling them by name HERE... what's it to them? they - if they can hurt me badly enough to make me want to write them off in the first place - obviously don't want me around, and they have one less xmas present to buy, too.

this pride would be hollow and the disgust more painful if i didn't know that i had it in me to forgive - and be forgiven - when the situation allowed for it. i have had some bad, ugly partings in the past, and some painful break-ups. when it was worth it, i managed to pull myself and my pride together enough to make the first move, or accept another's, and repair the break. in some cases, it was not the last time i had to do it, and in most cases, i am still close to that person, and our friendship is stronger than ever.
in some cases though, it's just not !@#$ worth it.
as i get older, i recognize that i can either tell more quickly if it is worth it, or just realize that life is too short to worry about it. ON TO THE NEXT PROJECT.

some good pieces of advice to remember however, if this ever happens to you:
"if you're going to do it, don't feel guilty about it. if you're going to feel guilty about it, don't do it."
-mr. p____, my beloved college psych teacher-
"you can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially if it's waving a razor-sharp knife in your face."
-hunter s. thompson
"put more trust in nobility of character than in an oath."
-- solon
"trust in Allah, but tie your camel."
-- muslim proverb
oh yeah, and:
"!@#$ 'EM, FEED 'EM FISH-HEADS!!!"
-- me

tying up my camel and gatherin' some fish-heads,
the slightly disgusted/-ing but EXTREMELY proud-
sam


*the insane, immoral adults who participated in my upbringing fall into this category, too. i trusted them less than i trusted the tv, though, for the most part.
**"...second time, shame on me."
***fill in any stinkbughead-like adjective here. at some point or another, i am sure it will fit.