Well, the good news is - my bloodwork is sterling. The bad news is - I am still sick, my migraine has settled in for a long haul, it seems, and my 'asthma' issues are still present. I'm still weak, but I've found that eating makes me veryvery sluggy and brings on The Pain. Also, either the meds or the allergies or the general feeling of yuk have squashed my appetite to death, so that's a sort of happy accident, eh?
so, I've got a dentist appointment on Monday, I am going in for routine stuff, but I am going to talk to him about the possibility of deteriorating fillings making me sick, and what might be done there, and also about tmj. I've had a lot of jaw pain, and there is some misalignment (I am developing an underbite). That could definitely be tied in with my neck, head and jaw pain. Then on Tuesday I have an appointment with an allergy and immunology specialist.
is this not !@ #$ ridiculous?

last night I reached a bit of a meltdown point in my depression over all of this. I've been thinking a lot about how hopeless the whole circle seems - my job and home are making me sick, I can't afford to take care of myself or move without the job, I'm spending my days sad and sick and thinking that this is how I will be hacking out my middle years, sick, in pain and working a job that keeps me sick in order to be able to almost afford healthcare (my insurance is basically shite) and when I do get time to breathe and play, I am too sick and weak to enjoy it. If my health is ruined now - and I somehow make it to retirement age - will I just sit in a chair and die slow and horrible and sad like my father?
sicksicksicksicksick!#$*&!SICK.
needless to say, my insurance doesn't cover psychiatric counseling, either.

I told Christopher last night that, if I knew I had the courage to 'do away with myself' at the end of a year, then I would drop EVERYTHING in a !#$% heartbeat, pack up my truck and my dog and take off. I would drive around the country - finally - and fulfill at least some extent of my dream of travel. I would visit old friends and draw to my hearts' content, I would have no regrets and I would never look back because there would be no future to worry about, no family to let down because I foolishly left the first "security" I've ever had - the only cage would be my own limitations, and those bars are flexible. But all that would be incumbent on my being able kill myself at the end of the year. THIS IS NOT A WARNING OR A THREAT, FOLKS.
this is me honestly sharing my thoughts and feelings. I wouldn't do that to any of you, to Aeryn and Sprout and Abe and Risa and Stewart and Chris and...
it comes down to this. I am not living for my own future. I never have. I have never had any kind of realistic hope of idea of a future for myself. The only future I've ever dreamed of seems more and more impossible the older I get, the sicker I get, the more tied down I get, and that's my dream of world exploration. Not luxe travel, just travel. Being on the road (or rail or water or in the air), seeing new things, seeing the places I've dreamed of, from junky tourist traps to the eight wonders. The only other thing that I've ever lived for was other people. My friends and family who, although they don't need me, they would be very sad and hurt if I were gone, especially by my own choice.
now that I am in pain 90% of the time, and have been sick for over a month, with no end in sight,
the thought that I either stay in this job and house that have become toxic to me or quit and become a welfare vegetable is killing me. And I promise y'all that depression is doing NADA to make this all better.

but I will not leave you all with nothing but a little ball of sadness and worry - I love y'all (and myself) too much for that. In talking all this out with Chris last night, trying to tell him how bad
I really feel, that I am not just body sick but heart and mind sick - life sick - depressed and memory-haunted, frustrated and afraid that I will never achieve any of my personal dreams,
I hit on an idea. An actual possible escape route. Something that could even possibly end in the kind of security and freedom that I hope for only in my fantasies. Not BIG, but MINE.
I don't want to say anymore yet, not until I have a clearer idea of the actual possibility of it all.
but please wish me luck, or pray for me, or whatever you believe.
I just can't go on like I am now.

-s