Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain.

My god. My head hurts so bad that it hurts to THINK – much less read, type, sit at a desk for 8 hours, or even watch tv. Every sound and smell is amplified, all light. It’s terrible.

For those of you who have not heard this lament, I have had the same headache now since September 20. I think I am going to give it a name. Some days it is bearable, just an insistent prod. But on days like today, when my jaws and neck and shoulders and back ache with it, and my eyes throb, I just wish I could be sunk into a semi-coma in a dark room for however long it takes to abate.

My allergist, the lovely and talented Dr. Adele, has changed my meds, hoping that would help. Nada. But I think the rest of my allergy problems have diminished some, most days.

For those of you who see yourselves fit to judge me harshly, maybe it’s a punishment for my evil ways. I’ve considered that option when I was at the apex of the migraine. But when the pain mellows out to a bearable buzz I remember that I am a good person trying to be a better person and if there’s a classic God and He (no Mother Goddess would do this) sees fit to punish me this way, then I’m for the Other Team anyway. What I know, when I can think clearly, is that the only punishment I am suffering is the same one we all suffer, and that is the penalty that we pay for living in the environment we’ve created. I’m just too sensitive to this chemical muddle that is modern human life and it is breaking me down.

Migraine aside, I am persevering. I’ve got some personal issues with the people close to me that I need to ponder, in the moments that this Mal de Tete will let me. Plenty of challenges to face, that’s for sure. I am watching my own struggle with my very stubborn human nature battle it out with my knowledge that I must find a way to put all that aside with interest and curiosity – and not a little angst. Things are said, and my gut reaction is to call the person on what I perceive to be their wrongs or lies or whatever. It generally comes down to one question: "How important is this?" Some things, outside things, really don’t matter. I can choose to accept the falsehood on the basis of things like maybe “no one can really prove this” or “maybe I’ll decide to just be quiet and let that person deal with their own conscience over this, because the important people know the truth”, or even “at the end of the day, who really gives a !@#$.” and let it go. But there are other things, bigger things, personal judgments on my thoughts and behavior, on my soul and beliefs, that are much harder to back away from. Should I just accept these judgments quietly and allow the ‘judge’ to think that I am accepting of their decree? Maybe that is the right thing to do. It’s just SO hard for me.

My family has taught me the hard way that if you fall asleep on the job, you can wake up painted as whatever they need you to be in order to comfort their own egos or consciences. I have, in the past, been known to be a bad cook, a bad singer, clumsy, lazy, a liar, insane, cruel, completely full of shit, a sinner … the list goes on*. There is no doubt that I have been all of these things at moments, like every human, but I have never been any of these to the bone. However, I feel pretty certain that there are some of these that some of my family members – along with other people from my past – would accredit as some of my intrinsic traits, until I die. I have made the decision to walk completely away from some of my past acquaintances (and even family members) who continuously tried to shove me into these boxes, but there are some people that you really don’t want to walk away from. I suppose you can’t really do that though. If someone continues to want to hurt you, then I guess you have to walk away peacefully, hopefully with love. In the past (as recently as yesterday), I’ve stood up for myself and tried to ask them to see me differently, but some people don’t want to – or in their view – need to change. I suppose I just have to accept that and make my choice.

I don’t want my loved ones and acquaintances to think that if they say anything critical about me that I will just walk away. I hear a lot of "critical" judgments’ (helpful suggestions) from people who love me - and really know me - that I DO agree with. I am grateful to them for listening to my side, though, and I am grateful to them for trying to help me be a better person. For those of you who have been brave enough to do that, thank you. I hope that you have seen some change in me, and if you have not, I will try to be understanding if YOU make the choice to walk away from ME.

And for those of you who have judged me and listened to me and allowed me to change your perception of me, to prove that I am more than you see, thank you, bless you. I’m proud to be worthy of your attention and consideration. It is you who inspire me to keep trying.

Every day, I’m sorry for the hurt I cause. Every day, I look for ways to be me and stand up for myself and still be a good, kind person. Every day I make mistakes and sometimes I miss the clues as to how to improve. But I have learned that love and patience and trying very hard to step outside of your self and into the other person’s shoes is the only possible solution.

If you are one of the people I’ve made the choice to walk away from, I hope you understand, and if you are one of the people I’ve tried to convince otherwise, I hope you see that this is because I see your need and love you too much to walk away from you, and this is all I know how to do – so far.

And if migraines are a punishment for being this way, bring ‘em on. I can take it. I’ve certainly taken worse.

Much pain, but more love,

-s

*the most important, terrible, life-changing things that have ever happened to you can also magically cease to have existed. that's a neat trick, too. :(