WARNING:
The following is an actual "You know what really !@#$% me off...?" RANT. If you are of a delicate disposition, please skip this and wait for my next "pretty pictures, nice words" post.
(Warning #2: These are some things that have been bugging me for a while, so go potty, get a drink, settle in... and please feel free to reply/chime in/gimme your two cents/ask if I'm talking about YOU at my www.samsdayoff.com guestbook or email me.) "May Bri-bro be with you." "And also with you."

These rants are a result of a discussion with a couple of most trusted friends who, when in frustration and desperation I asked them how to broach these very delicate subjects - things that really have been bothering me for a LONG time - with the (MULTIPLE) very delicate people responsible, they said "Write about it in your rant. You can at least get all this anger and hurt and frustration off your chest, and then if they a. happen to read it, b. happen to recognize themselves, c. happen to have the balls to discuss it with you, then it will be out in the open, and the ball will finally be in their court. If they DO read it, and ignore it, well, then... your decision will be that much easier to make. Tell them to their face and take the chance of hurting them, or just write them off and walk away." I know that a lot of people who are not guilty of these ... dumb-ass infractions will read this and wonder, and I decided that that's ok too. We could all - maybe ESPECIALLY myself - do with a little soul-searching introspection. If I'm not talking about you, you'll know it. If there's any doubt (and I had - maybe still have a little - doubt about myself on both of these counts - from one angle or another - trust me...) then it can't hurt to talk to a friend about it anyway, and take the time to find out if you are being a true friend yourself. If you're perfect, and you've stopped growing and changing and learning and becoming a better, more aware, more understanding person, then that's amazing... but I feel a little sad for you, 'cause what's left?

First things first.
If you are friends with someone, and they are having a CON-VER-SA-TION* with you about things that are happening in their lives, either pretend to at least show a LITTLE interest, or tell them flat out "Would you please stop talking about all the interesting things that I'm NOT doing so I can talk about something that interests ME - mainly ME?" so that they can make an informed decision and either tell you to go do nigh-impossible things to yourself, or better yet, go get some MATURE, self-aware**, self-confident**, socially adept friends?
Here's a sample of what NOT to do:
"Hey Jack/Jill, how's it going?"
"Oh, fine Dick/Jane. Actually it's going really well! I just finished a tough creative project that I've been working on for months/I'm working with a Children's Cancer charity/I've just begun taking ball-room dancing lessons!"
"Hm. Have I shown you my latest collection of pet rocks?"

Now, here's a sample of what TO do:
"Hey Jack/Jill, how's it going?"
"Oh, fine Dick/Jane. Actually it's going really well! I just finished a tough creative project that I've been working on for months, I'm working with a Children's Cancer charity, and I've just begun taking ball-room dancing lessons!"
"How neat! What's the project/how are the children/what have you learned so far?"

I promise, the conversation WILL eventually come around to your favorite subject. That's how CON-VER-SA-TION works. That's also how FRIENDSHIP works. If you feel as if your friends are rubbing their events and/or accomplishments in your face, then either re-think your perspective (because if you are really friends, they AREN'T - they just want to share their excitement with you - this is a GIFT. It's called "SHARING".) or SAY SO, and allow them to explain and/or apologize. If you KNOW that you are doing this, and you know that it's because you just don't have the same amount of action/adventure to share, then admit that, too... maybe your friends will be more willing to include you in their action/adventure in the future.
Or even better, maybe your version of action/adventure is just DIFFERENT from theirs, and they'll be just as happy to ask YOU about YOUR stuff when the conversation turns in that direction. In any event, check yourself! Ask yourself: Is this me?

I know I am being harsh here, but this has happened to me quite a few (many, many) times , with more than one person in whom I have invested with a great deal of emotional real estate, and it just flat-out HURTS. I pride myself on being able to say something to someone when they've hurt me, but in this case it's very hard because a person who does this obviously has hurts of their own that they (obviously? hopefully?) just don't know how to handle - and a good person, a loving, caring - AWARE - person, doesn't want to add insult to injury. I could also just - obviously - distance myself from these people, but 1. emotional real estate is never lightly invested and 2. someone like this OBVIOUSLY needs their friends. I know that I am, in a way, doing a terrible disservice by NOT saying something directly, because it is not just me who feels these snubs. Their other friends and family members suffer from this ... lack of awareness*** too... and I'm always the one who ends up being brave enough to say something - then being treated like complete $#*!& by everyone involved because I was the only one who was tired of just bitching about it/being treated like crap/cared enough to try to let them know that they were pissing off ALL of their friends. Lucky me.

Well, to hell with that. Check yourself. Ask yourself "Is this me?" I have. I've quizzed myself thoroughly on this over the months (YEARS) that I've had to get tired of this. If you find that I'm treating you like this, then maybe you need to double-check yourself, because chances are, I've gotten fed up with being snubbed by you and am not asking about your pet rocks because I feel that I've been treated so ill by you in the past and am trying to make a point. It is definitely NOT that I don't care about your pet rocks. I am not the Queen of the Geeks for nothing. I ask strangers in MallWort about their hobbies, interests, children, grandchildren, favorite colors, outfits, music... this is one of the reasons that people LIKE me and WANT TO BE AROUND ME. I really do care. Even if I'm not interested in the subject (deer hunting, magic cards, britney spears), I am interested in people's interest in the subject. This is a likeable trait!

Consider this as well: If you think that I am talking about you, keep in mind that despite this, you have not been abandoned, not by me or any of the other friends that you have alienated in this way,

This is all scratching the surface of a MUCH deeper rant subject, but that is more personal, and if any heads come out of any proctological areas long enough to notice any light-bulbs (however faint) then I will be DELIGHTED to expound on this in a one-on-one kind of way - if you're brave enough and REALLY willing to listen.

(By the way Jen, I am NOT talking about you. Ok? :)

Ok. Part two. And this one is extra hard, because the subject matter is extra-delicate, and I know a LOT of people who could be guilty of this, and quite a few who actually are. Smug mothers of the world, I'm talking to YOU.

I have a LOT of friends and family members with babies. Almost every single one of them were smart, strong, beautiful, talented, supportive, amazing women before they became mothers who also promised to be the same kind of mothers. Many of them kept that promise - and then some. However, something seemed to happen to quite a few of them that I cannot understand, and that makes me so angry that I almost can't see straight when I think about it. This is another one of those "check yourself" situations. You may not be guilty of this at all. You may have only been guilty of it on occasion - but that's enough. In my opinion, this ought to be a license-revoking offense. I am talking about treating your non-mom friends - women who, before you experienced mom-hood, you looked up to, went to for advice, respected, admired, etc. (possibly even for making the decision NOT to have children...) - as second-class citizens. I have friends who, before they had children, told me how much they respected my strength and wisdom, but who, since the whole baby event, have treated me like a complete dumbass. Who have actually said things like "Well, you just couldn't understand..." and who completely exclude me from entire conversations (not the ones about the sticky stuff. that, I don't mind...) or relegate me to baby-sitting and the kids' table, and whatever I seem practical for, like one of their older children, or like I am a kid myself.
I have gotten SO angry at times. I have felt like saying "DO YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS BECAUSE YOU REALLY FEEL THIS WAY? OR BECAUSE YOU'RE JEALOUS THAT YOU'VE GIVEN UP YOUR OWN FREEDOM?!?! One mom-friend told me that she thought this WAS the main reason that some of my mom-friends do this... i wondered if it was because they thought i was rubbing my freedom in their face, and I questioned myself on this, but I know I would never do this. THAT would be horrible. I couldn't live with myself if I were to do such a terrible thing. My friends and their extremely tough decisions which have turned into precious little people are to be respected, admired and supported and that's that. I have wondered about friends' choices to make this drastic, multi-life-changing decision, and I have very strong feelings about over-population, and about people's mental and emotional fitness when making this choice, but once the decision has been made, I have had nothing but respect for the women brave and optimistic enough to do so. Plus there's all these cute little new people to love and play with! I admit, I have wanted to scream "ARE YOU !#$% KIDDING? I CHANGED MORE DIAPERS, WIPED UP MORE PUKE, NURSED MORE PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY SICK AND INJURED KIDS THROUGH WORSE SITUATIONS THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE - not to mention dealt with home and school situations and laundry and trying to scrounge up food and trying to keep a family together - ETC. before I was FIFTEEN YEARS OLD than you (HOPEFULLY) will ever have to deal with in your LIFE - the possibilty of grandchildren INCLUDED - and you dare to say "You just couldn't understand..." to ME?!?!?! Just because I didn't carry a baby for nine months? !#$% YOU! (I need to start a blog called "pipe it up your fallopian tubes.com"!!!) It's not just me who gets this treatment, either. I have other no-baby friends who get this, and I have friends with ADOPTED children who get this - from women who, in the past, would have screamed at the thought of another woman being treated this way.

I have to believe that these women who, in the past, would have been appalled at the EXTREMELY mysoginistic idea that someone would be treated as less of a woman simply because they either made the choice ort had no choice about not giving birth, simply are not aware. I can't believe anything else. I think if you are reading this and checking yourself right now (and NO, JEN, IT'S NOT YOU! AGAIN! ;) you are probably appalled at the possibility that this might be you - just as I was appalled at the possibility that I might be making MY beloved mom-friends and family members feel that I thought THEY were lesser citizens because they DID choose the baby-path. I might feel that some tiny day-to-day decisions - like which way to school your baby - or bigger, not so day-to-day decisions - like whether or not to stay with an abusive spouse/parent need to be re-thought, but that's life, and friendship. If you DO think I treat you like a second class citizen because you're a mom, please say so, please give me a chance to defend myself, and to assure you that nothing in this world, not ONE thing, not even my beloved self, is more important than ANY child and their happiness. Especially the ones I see every day, the ones that are beloved by my beloved friends. And let me assure you that no decision is more serious, more vital, more respectable - more frightening and important - than the decision to attempt to raise a safe and happy child in this fucked up world. If you came to me before the baby was concieved, yes, I'd try to talk you in to adopting. But from the moment the decision is made, you have my respect, because you are a rare, rare thing: a braver, bolder, wiser, more self-confident, more optimistic, more certain, more hopeful, more secure, more financially stable, more mentally emotional, more everything person than I am. You'd better be. And I am willing to give you my support, my strength, and the benefit of my very great doubt - all I ask is that you do your very best - all the time, and that you don't treat me - or any of your other friends - like a non-woman. No insult is greater, I promise.

Check yourself. Be aware. Let your non-mom friends give you the benefit of their freedom. You are capable of giving them the benefit of sharing your wonderful, beautiful gift - and believe me, we do appreciate it, and we do admire your bravery and optimism. It's an important, delicate balance, and we both have a responsibilty in it. If you are reading this and have no doubt that I am not talking about you (and admittedly, the majority of my mom-friends are NOT guilty of this heinous crime) , then please, please, please pass this on to other mom-friends and websites and other places where moms talk. I really do believe that the women who do this are not aware, so hopefully this will make them CHECK THEMSELVES.

Believe it or not,
Much love,
-sam


*"The spoken exchange of thoughts, opinions, and feelings; talk."

**these things are OFTEN confused with "self-centered". Self-aware, self-confident people are not threatened or offended by other people's adventures and accomplishments.

***if it's NOT lack of awareness, then it's just plain mean, hateful, rudeness, and they can DEFINITELY go do nigh-impossible things to themselves and GOOD LUCK.