Dear Diary...
heh heh heh.
No, really. Why do we do this? Diary, blog, draw, story-tell*? And why do I ask myself – and you all – this question over and over again? Is it:
a.) because it’s my favorite question?
b.) because I haven’t found a satisfactory answer yet?**
c.) because there is no satisfactory answer – or, more likely there are one per being – and i am banging my head against a metaphorohypothetical wall... again?
d.) because i had more than 12 seconds uninterrupted by work or other active distraction?
Yeah.
I think about that scene from The Color Purple. The one about how we are like flowers and do what ever we can to get God to notice us. It’s the definition of God that seems to set us, each one, apart. For some of us God is each other, or our parents, or own self-approval, for some the classic Heaven-encompassing Father or Mother... For the first time it seems to make sense to me why people try to religiously convert one another. Maybe it is so they will have more people to share their vision of God, and so God’s attention will be more uniform – he/she/it will love all the children equally. Sometimes it seems as if conversion, witnessing, etc. are a way of trying to curry God’s good favor – ‘look at me, mom/dad! I’M the good kid, see?!’ Notice me. Love me more. We try to set ourselves apart, and yet cling so hard to our otherness and never see the difference in consistency and what that does to our peace of mind on a second-to-second basis. It hurts.
As a close friend – and fellow cosmic questioner/storyteller – often not-so-subtly reminds me, the things that piss us off the most are often the things we are guilty of. It is true. But I honestly cannot see anything else in anyone else unless I have truly recognized it in myself first. I don’t feel capable of commenting on things that make me angry in others unless I’ve first dragged myself through that fire and feel certain about what it’s like to be such a dumb-@$$. It’s hard to comment on someone else scorching their feet when you don’t really know why it’s a stupid thing to do. I want to constantly work on not doing and being the things that make me angry, because I know what it does to people. My motives may be personally selfish, but as long as no one ever knows or FEELS that when dealing with me, as long as my motives are not ONLY selfish, then I feel that I am trying actively to make the world a better place to be in. In other words, I am working as hard as I currently know how – and working every day to learn new ways - to keep myself ‘suitable for human consumption’ and still be true to myself. I suppose my own documenting and storytelling helps me keep all of that consistent and real. We all know how brief and easily manipulated human memory is. Hoo boy. And we all know what the mind can do to you when your body is trying to maintain its’ status quo. Why else would abused children grow up to abuse – or wed abusers? The list of bad life choices based on mental choice versus emotional reaction could fill a daily blog in perpetua... Damn those pesky neuro peptides.
But the thing is, see, you are stronger than neuro peptides. The phrase ‘free will’ is enough to rock even centuries’ long established churches. The human mind is ridiculously, incredibly powerful, and yet we still choose to blame biology and sociology and economy. To hell with that! The worst limitation I’ve ever faced – in a life of seriously hard knocks and kinky knots – is my own mental and emotional fear and laziness. My mother is a sleepy kitten compared to that. Because that power is there, no matter WHAT channel my brain is tuned to. If my thoughts are bad or negative – they’re SAM-STRENGTH bad! If my love shine is turned on and focused, I can burn holes through every heart for a hundred miles and light up the sky.
A ‘net acquaintance got angry with me last summer because he read on my Myspace profile that I was one of my own heroes. He said that was impossible, and claimed a vanity that surprised and disgusted him. I’ve had debates with friends on whether being self-centered was a bad thing. I wish, in fact I pray every day, for people to become more self centered. To focus and work on loving and perfecting one’s self. To become a hero to one’s self. Can that really be a bad thing? It seems like it’s the only possible solution to
truly making the world a better place. I think the first thing you learn when you really dive into yourself is that you are part of one big soul. That everyone really is equal, at the core of it, and that what you do to yourself and others circles around and through and back to you. That the people who make you the angriest are probably the ones who need love the most. That you can forgive yourself and others. That you can change yourself and nothing else. That acceptance has it’s time and place, that being strong and loving yourself are good things. That sometimes you have to say no and walk away. That sometimes you have to stay and compromise. None of these are possible if you don’t know and love and trust yourself. It should be your life’s first, most beautiful, satisfying, fun and steady work. And you should never retire.
xo
heh heh heh.
No, really. Why do we do this? Diary, blog, draw, story-tell*? And why do I ask myself – and you all – this question over and over again? Is it:
a.) because it’s my favorite question?
b.) because I haven’t found a satisfactory answer yet?**
c.) because there is no satisfactory answer – or, more likely there are one per being – and i am banging my head against a metaphorohypothetical wall... again?
d.) because i had more than 12 seconds uninterrupted by work or other active distraction?
Yeah.
I think about that scene from The Color Purple. The one about how we are like flowers and do what ever we can to get God to notice us. It’s the definition of God that seems to set us, each one, apart. For some of us God is each other, or our parents, or own self-approval, for some the classic Heaven-encompassing Father or Mother... For the first time it seems to make sense to me why people try to religiously convert one another. Maybe it is so they will have more people to share their vision of God, and so God’s attention will be more uniform – he/she/it will love all the children equally. Sometimes it seems as if conversion, witnessing, etc. are a way of trying to curry God’s good favor – ‘look at me, mom/dad! I’M the good kid, see?!’ Notice me. Love me more. We try to set ourselves apart, and yet cling so hard to our otherness and never see the difference in consistency and what that does to our peace of mind on a second-to-second basis. It hurts.
As a close friend – and fellow cosmic questioner/storyteller – often not-so-subtly reminds me, the things that piss us off the most are often the things we are guilty of. It is true. But I honestly cannot see anything else in anyone else unless I have truly recognized it in myself first. I don’t feel capable of commenting on things that make me angry in others unless I’ve first dragged myself through that fire and feel certain about what it’s like to be such a dumb-@$$. It’s hard to comment on someone else scorching their feet when you don’t really know why it’s a stupid thing to do. I want to constantly work on not doing and being the things that make me angry, because I know what it does to people. My motives may be personally selfish, but as long as no one ever knows or FEELS that when dealing with me, as long as my motives are not ONLY selfish, then I feel that I am trying actively to make the world a better place to be in. In other words, I am working as hard as I currently know how – and working every day to learn new ways - to keep myself ‘suitable for human consumption’ and still be true to myself. I suppose my own documenting and storytelling helps me keep all of that consistent and real. We all know how brief and easily manipulated human memory is. Hoo boy. And we all know what the mind can do to you when your body is trying to maintain its’ status quo. Why else would abused children grow up to abuse – or wed abusers? The list of bad life choices based on mental choice versus emotional reaction could fill a daily blog in perpetua... Damn those pesky neuro peptides.
But the thing is, see, you are stronger than neuro peptides. The phrase ‘free will’ is enough to rock even centuries’ long established churches. The human mind is ridiculously, incredibly powerful, and yet we still choose to blame biology and sociology and economy. To hell with that! The worst limitation I’ve ever faced – in a life of seriously hard knocks and kinky knots – is my own mental and emotional fear and laziness. My mother is a sleepy kitten compared to that. Because that power is there, no matter WHAT channel my brain is tuned to. If my thoughts are bad or negative – they’re SAM-STRENGTH bad! If my love shine is turned on and focused, I can burn holes through every heart for a hundred miles and light up the sky.
A ‘net acquaintance got angry with me last summer because he read on my Myspace profile that I was one of my own heroes. He said that was impossible, and claimed a vanity that surprised and disgusted him. I’ve had debates with friends on whether being self-centered was a bad thing. I wish, in fact I pray every day, for people to become more self centered. To focus and work on loving and perfecting one’s self. To become a hero to one’s self. Can that really be a bad thing? It seems like it’s the only possible solution to
truly making the world a better place. I think the first thing you learn when you really dive into yourself is that you are part of one big soul. That everyone really is equal, at the core of it, and that what you do to yourself and others circles around and through and back to you. That the people who make you the angriest are probably the ones who need love the most. That you can forgive yourself and others. That you can change yourself and nothing else. That acceptance has it’s time and place, that being strong and loving yourself are good things. That sometimes you have to say no and walk away. That sometimes you have to stay and compromise. None of these are possible if you don’t know and love and trust yourself. It should be your life’s first, most beautiful, satisfying, fun and steady work. And you should never retire.
xo
-s
*Hi, Rob!
**Yo, OCD, in tha’ house! Every side!
*Hi, Rob!
**Yo, OCD, in tha’ house! Every side!
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