yesterday morning, as i was leaving the house for what seemed like the millionth time* in the last few days, and i guess because i knew i'd be gone most of the day, and then for two days straight (keeping friends' kids so they can mother's day/anniversary party), i automatically thought about lu, as if she were still here, and was going to be missing us. everytime i left the house, even if it was for 10 minutes or 5 days, i would say "You be good and I'll be back - but I'll be back whether you're good or not." of course the realization followed and i felt freshly heartbroken all over again, but then something spoke in my heart, a quiet little thought that now this is what Lu is saying to me.
it's a good thing that i thought to add that 'whether you're good or not' clause, because i am having a pretty hard time with being good. i'm ashamed of myself in a way, i definitely do not approve of this kind of thinking and feeling, but at the same time, i'm amazed that it's taken this long to come to this kind of focused blue-flame fury. what's odd to me is not how much anger is there - i mean c'mon, you guys read my diary - or even how much i've managed to keep it in check over the years (despite what x says :), but what it has taken to bring me to this point.
i've done a fair job all along of realizing what a selfish bastard i am, and how easy it would be for me to slide deeply and permanently into hate-machine mode... most of the people in the world, including the nice ones and myself are more than willing to prove to you that giving a damn or trying to be good, do good, share good is pointless and will not earn you any brownie points in any quarter. the facts are, there are no actual brownie points to be had, really. the best one can expect is the safe and limited loyalty and kindness of the people around you (which is what you earn for being good - though lots of people who are not good get this, and lots who are don't...)
and one's own self-respect for maintaining some personal honor in the face of this knowledge.
but lately i've been sorely tried and tested, and i've given myself this one gift. for one week or so a year - and this is that time - i will give in to my selfishness and anger and allow myself to say what i think and feel, and most imortantly, not hate myself for allowing myself this, or give a flying !#$% what anybody thinks about me acting this way. i work hard enough to be perky and positive and give people what they want, or at least what i can - even when i don't want to, the rest of the time. it's become habit, and i'm ok with that. i really do feel like it's my job** and just like with any job, you don't HAVE to like your boss, you don't HAVE to like your co-workers, but you do HAVE to be nice to everyone - especially your customers ("Hello, human race, what can I do for you today?") to get your !#$% paycheck.
so i suppose this is my vacation. and if i need more than two weeks, i'll take personal days and sick leave and anyone who doesn't like it can jog on.
i'm still being nicer than i care too, for a lot of reasons. personal honor doesn't sleep. despite my disgust, i still don't feel like stirring up the pot and making things worse than they are. sometimes i can't help it. i told an elderly woman on main street yesterday that she was rude for taking the parking space i was waiting for. a few days ago i treated myself to telling a much hated neighbor (luckily, the only one) exactly what i thought of him. if only i could either stay away from people or really say exactly what i feel... but that ain't happenin'. SO. i figure i just do my best to maintain the general status quo, work hard, keep myself busy*** and keep processing as i go.
i have to say one of those things we HATE to hear our parents say: "we'll just have to wait and see."

- not as much love - 'sorry.
-s

*i was going to the first planning/design meeting for the TLT summer shows. they've asked me to design a 'swing' set that will work for both The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe (grammar school-aged kids) and Cats (middle -high-school) - i'm also designing the full set for TL,TW&TW - as well as getting to design the make-up AND costumes!!! the 8-year old in me is in the throes of ecstasy! i can't WAIT to get out my pencils and crayons and cardboard and glue!!!

**i feel like it's everyone's job, but unfortunately i'm not the boss, so i can't tell anyone what to do. i can only try to set a good example and work hard enough to make up for some of the other slackasses.

***i was really glad when i figured all of this out. i used to just overbook myself like crazy this time of the year, work myself to exhaustion day after day dor weeks at a time andgo around feeling completely miserable and angry without knowing precisely why... "though i had my suspicions."