No surprise that the swing has swung back to Apocalyptica. It’s my basic default setting really. It would be pretty easy to blame the upcoming 40th b’day for part of this stress, and maybe in some ways, deep down, it is. But I’ve done the ‘how-do-i-feel-about-this’ self check: stared in the mirror, considered it for hours – where I’ve been, what I’ve done, possible regrets and the realistic future, and overall, I feel pretty good about where I am at this age, especially with all considered. This is more like the cyclical depression that seems to be as much a part of my daily ups and downs as my blood sugar level. Part of it is environmental. I have been reading some depressing news, and once the world gets it’s foot in my emotional door, I can’t seem to keep it from just coming right on in. China’s water problems, the general malaise of western youth, the social isolation problems in Japan, the ‘random’ horrible violence everywhere, the list is endless… every country, every individual needs something, some help, some strength, some forgiveness, some love, some money, some clean air…
I’ve distanced myself from some perceived responsibilities lately – I don’t want to be near my phone, and that makes work stuff harder. Thank god for email. I think part of that is connected to my birthday. Rewind a few blogs back to how connecting to my past affects me. Half of me wishes people would call, half of me feels guilt, regret and sorrow over who I haven’t called, who won’t call, who can’t call, or the fact that I really don’t care about any of it as much as I should. Even the responsibility stuff. In a way, I wonder if I am rebelling against having to be responsible at all. Duh. Of course that’s part of it. How kind of all of you not to say anything. I also feel bad about recent social inelegances. I try to be good and also be myself, but sometimes I’m just not able to balance all the elements. I’m so hard on myself when I commit these transgressions and they increase my fear of social interaction for a time. I owe apologies to people and that makes me feel like dying, or like never leaving the house again. It’s not that I have to apologize, that is easy and I wish that it was all it took to make it better, because I can freely offer sincere apologies when I’ve done wrong. The hard part is knowing that I did something worth apologizing for and living with that. The transgressions don’t dissolve once I’ve admitted my wrong and asked forgiveness. I’m never even sure if people really understand that that’s what we’re all saying when we say ‘I’m sorry’. I just know that my guilt and self-loathing never leave once I’ve !@#$ed up and it stacks up. By now, with 40 years of grand, loud, ridiculous and often hurtful transgressions under my belt, the load of shame and guilt has gotten pretty weighty. I feel as bad about the items I stole from the grocery store when I was 5 as I do about the faux pas I committed last week, and everything in between. I am grateful for the friends who don’t remind me of the trespasses I’ve made in the past, little, big and hugely awful, but I know that I never forget them, and I assume that they don’t.
A big part of it is also this entirely selfish whim (which I am scheduled to feel at least a little bit bad about later, I’m sure) that overcomes me every year near my birthday (not to mention at least once or twice a week in the in between times) to allow myself to revel in self-serving decadence by NOT answering my phone and blowing off my million responsibilities* and making up for all the bad birthdays and all the bad weeks in between for years and years - a double decades’ worth, at least. This year, being a hallmark, I am allowing myself extra slack, and I am prepared to deal with the fallout from it, come what may. I have committed to three big responsibilities that I cannot avoid, and I will not fail in those endeavors, but everything else can go hang. Phlbt.
So that’s where I am now. Muddling. Hoping. Skating. Juggling. Hating. Moping. Skwooching. Coping. There are definitely worse places to be.
-s

*to some extent. I have to say that even at my worst, like when lu was dying, I still manage to take care of some things. Sometimes that’s all that keeps me going.