thank you,
-mgmt.
the horrible muddle
Current mood: 
"i don't want to lose my wonder of the world...
and i feel like i am.
i feel like it's happening."
she also posted the lyrics from a very apt and illuminating song by ben folds five that made her point very clear**. i tried to call immediately but when i couldn't reach her, i sat down and wrote this - as much to myself as to her:
i think i've begun to figure this one out a little. this is one of those places where we REALLY have to work hard to over-ride our human programming (at least long enough to adjust the code as best we can) and rely on our ANIMAL selves.
it seems that humans need wonder (innocence, belief, faith, humor, love, whatever) to face the overwhelming awfulness that life is. even the creation of life is shocking and messy and delicate and painful, in more ways than one. how could we ever stand it otherwise? all of life is hard. even in the good moments we manage to feel guilty because we should be doing something else or because we know that millions are suffering elsewhere, or because we are scared and wondering when the good will go away, or because we've had such hard lives that we don't even know HOW to feel happy or safe or relaxed, or just because we're @$$holes.
animals need safe dry places to sleep and each other and food and for humans to stop fucking up their rhythm. they don't need clocks or calendars or gas cards or cellphones or valentines' day. they don't wonder why they're here, or if they're doing the right thing, they don't feel guilt or angst or ennui - though im willing to bet they do feel joy and fear and sadness - three things which seem to make them efficient. they seem to keep it pretty simple.
we are humans. it's pretty ridiculous to think that anyone, even brilliant geniuses such as ourselves (:), could undo thousands of years of biology and social programming in such a brief and intensely busy little lifetime. but perhaps we can BEGIN. we have to remember that we ARE animals, and that we can deal with all our human crap - which is NOT magically going to go away (not for jesus or buddha or crystals or drugs or love...) - by getting to know and trust our animal nature. we must apply our animal basic nature to our appliqued human hooha and evolve.
i believe that if 1% of the population of the planet did this, we could definitely affect (effect?) the rest of the planet, but we all cling SO desperately to our weaknesses because they are familiar and comforting in a fucked up way, and because it's 'easier' than working toward evolution. all one has to do to stay the same old way is nothing. just muddle painfully and messily through being the same old way (and likewise deal with others doing the same goddamned thing). other people don't make it any easier either, because your average joe or jane is TERRIFIED by the sight of someone else working their tail off (haha) to scramble up the evolutionary ladder, because that means they'll either have to start working harder or get left behind, wandering in circles in the nigh-abandoned mall food court of life.
as for you particularly, dearest girl, don't you see? you can't lose your wonder. it is the stuff of your being. your body, your soul, the color of your eyes, the sound of your voice, your motivation, your drive, your tears, your experiences and the way you express all of them, they are made up of, among other things, a GIANT pool of wonder! go back and read what i wrote for you with this in mind. and re-read the part about how we are "different" wile you're there: night and day, one second to the next, etc. - they aren't different at all, they the exact same thing, just different colors and all of them ever-changing. you and i - and others out there - are the true wonders. and nothing, not even the harsh reality of life can bleach us of it. when everyone around us fades and fails, we are the spark that brings others to action, good, bad or ugly - we cannot help it. we just have to be ourselves. look to yourself hannah. there is the wonder. if you have a hard time, let me be your mirror. even at my worst, my saddest, my bleakest, i still think i am something amazing, because i am. and there are others. there is you.
innocence can certainly be lost. if you ask me, it's a miracle that it can ever even exist. even if you were just an average jane, if you'd made it to age 20 and still have it, you couldn't even have it SURGICALLY removed.
you can certainly grow up and get older, but NOTHING in my adult life (let's say past age 25) has been worse than all the horrors that melted into my bones by age 5, 10, 15...
so these years ARE my wonder years. i now have enough food. no one beats me. no one locks me up. no one rapes me on a daily basis, no one hurts me or my den-mates every day. i don't have to hide unless i want to, and despite the fact that i experienced ALL of those things before age 10, i can still carry on and find a reason, even if it's only DUTY* sometimes, to help others do the same. if all of that couldn't take the wonder out of me, i'm certainly not going to let ME do it now!!!
life IS hard. life HURTS. and it ISN'T ever going to get better. but it doesn't have to be as bad as it can be. people have made it clear to me all of my life that i somehow make life better for some of them, and that tells me clearly what it is that i have to do. and i don't have to sacrifice myself or be a martyr to do that. in fact, that would be self defeating, because if i can keep myself going better, stronger, longer, then i can help more people in the long run.
because we are as we are, it's our JOB. and for the most part, it's a shitty job. most people are clueless, helpless, and sickeningly ungrateful, but luckily we are smart enough to recognize fairly quickly who might evolve and who might not, and our base animal nature instructs us quite definitely to leave those slack bastards behind in the dust. then there are the ones who DO get it and who DO care and who ARE grateful, and they become the ones that WE can hopefully depend on when things start regressing and getting sludgy and webby and furry in our own ecosystems.
it's there. it will never leave you. please find it. and please, please, please remind me to do the same. every day if need be, because i do feel you sister. on the night of the equinox, i decided quite firmly that once i finished this play and got my legal ducks in a row for chris' sake (i called a lawyer to draw up a living will the very next day), that i would then treat myself to the utter selfishness and finally release myself from fear and guilt and worry for once and for all. and i swear to you, BrightGirl, when i finally got the nerve to discuss this with chris, i could easily justify leaving everyone in my life but you. i knew that he would ultimately have an easier life without me (and he bravely and honestly admitted that this was true), i knew that my little ones would forget and that there would be no need for forgiveness on their part. i knew that my 'saluda son', my brother and my sister-J would completely understand why i'd made this choice and that they could all go on just fine without me, but i just couldn't imagine going away from you now, at this time in your life. i wept over that for hours, and as you well know, a moments' hesitation in times like this can completely turn the tide. we need each other.
i know this is an intensely personal reply, but if you don't mind, i'd to post this as a blob. as personal as it is, it is something that i think others need to hear, or maybe need help saying to someone else. i certainly would like for others in my life to know that i feel this way and that i struggle hard and that i am trying not to give in. even if not specifically because of them, then generally for them, and their loved ones, and even for strangers or future people who may need me. i need to be reminded that this is my job. this is the kind of animal i am. and i desperately need to remind others of the same thing. THIS IS YOUR JOB!!!
THIS IS THE KIND OF ANIMAL YOU ARE!!! DON'T FORGET!!! AND REMIND OTHERS OF THE SAME THING!!! be an active part of the 1% (or praise be, 10%, 50%, 100!!!)! get your head out of your @$$ (or out of whoevers') and evolve!!! and don't let me slack either, not for one second!!! call yourself on this! call each other! don't start tomorrow! don't give in to denial or fear or laziness! if looking in the mirror doesn't work, ask an honest friend - or an honest stranger if need be! if you don't know any, learn to recognize it and find some! i think there are more people out there who feel this way than we would ever suspect. don't be afraid. find each other. change yourself, change each other, change the world, even if it's just one person at a time. and unlike so many other quests in this weird, screwed up, scary life, this one is easy for one reason: at least with this one, we know where to start.
-s
*do not even think for ONE SECOND that THIS is just duty, young lady. :) we are fishbone sisters, you and i. :)
**"Good morning, son.
I am a bird
Wearing a brown polyester shirt
You want a coke?
Maybe some fries?
The roast beef combo's only $9.95
It's okay, you don't have to pay
I've got all the change
Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
And you're so much like me
I'm sorry
Good morning, son
In twenty years from now
Maybe we'll both sit down and have a few beers
And I can tell you 'bout today
And how I picked you up and everything changed
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you'd feel the same things
Everybody knows
It sucks to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
You'll try and try and one day you'll fly
Away from me
Good morning, son
I am a bird
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you'd feel the same things
Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
Oh, we're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
And you're so much like me
I'm sorry"
-ben folds
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