So, I suppose you’ll all be wanting a completely unbiased review of “The Chronicles of Riddick”, right? Ok. Here you go.
But, if you want to know what I thought, read on.
For starters, let me say that the whole movie felt very much as if a SERIOUSLY nerdy guy* simultaneously got a really fantastic body and a basically unlimited sum of money to produce a film version of his most dear RPG campaign. This is, of course, a GOOD thing. The plot/world seemed to be a hybrid of AD&D, Cyberpunk and Starfleet Battles. Spaceships, strange creatures, knife-fighting Galactic Barbarians, lots of big muscles and cool-@$$ clothes, and spiky armor and sweat-soaked leather…
ooooh, yeaaaahhhhh, mmmmm…. whu? who? huh? oh, where was I? oh right. Review…
In short, for me, there was only one thing wrong with this movie, and that was that it was over too soon. Yes, the plot was a bit bologna and there was a lot of cheese, but you know what? There were many times in my youth when all there was to eat was bologna and cheese, and that was some fine eatin’. Still is. People have often given me $#*! about being too easily pleased (???) or “the great American consumer”, because I can be pretty forgiving if something has enough merit to make me be able to live with it’s flaws. I think that my friends who have complained about this should really be counting their dadgummed blessings, personally, but you know people.
This movie was rich with geek fantasy elements. In my opinion, it had it all. There was beautiful art and architecture, lovely costumes, lovely people, cool ships, cool monsters, cool weapons, bizarre landscapes, good fights, bad villains, gorgeous women, the hint of a much bigger imagined universe, oh, and of course, Vin.
The biggest surprise, however, was the additional bohunk factor. As soon as Riddick’s nemesis appeared on screen, I thought “MMMMRrrooOWOWwwwwRrrrrrr!!!” (mm, gotta love those Mullets of Fury!). Then I thought “Why does this fantastic bohunk look so familiar?” It wasn’t until the credits that I realized that this young man was none other than Karl Urban – aka our EOMER! Wow! Who’da thunk he had the makings of such a fabulous orc-boy! And him vs. Vin*** was just, well, special. Let’s just say it gave me a really warm feeling all over.
All cool sci-fi geeks stuff aside, I think my very favorite thing about this movie is the reaction that the majority of men seem to be having toward it. I have now heard half’a dozen guys say that it sucked, and that the reason it sucked is because it was a CHICK FLICK! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, baby! Welcome! You’re in Sam’s World now! Buckle up! Wheeeeee!!!!!!!!
Stewart and Chris loved it, and I know for a fact that neither one of them would say that to mollycoddle me*****. One guy actually had the nerve to tell me today, after I laughed at him for calling it a chick flick, that it was “stupid, and who wanted to see all those guys running around half-naked, anyway?”
Ummm… ok, for one thing, there WAS no half-naked – believe me, I’d’ve noticed. Basically all you ever see of Vin is bare arms and head (even in XXX, his sexiest scene was thermal underwear and a shearling coat. A little bare chest … …*sigh* …was all you got), and Mr. Urban is literally covered from neck-to-toe throughout the entire film.
I don’t hear anyone complaining about all the LESS than half-naked action starlets we’ve all seen running around for the last 60 years or so. Hell, that’s one of the absolutely necessary elements of a good action film – and this movie has those too. Not to mention some hot starlets with more than just a little moxie, too. (I liked “Jack” a lot, both in Pitch Black and C.o.R.). I said something to this weenie about the essential naked-ish action movie babes and mentioned Bond girls. He said “Yeah, you don’t see James Bond running around naked, do you?” No you don’t, and mores the pity! It’s about time that ladies like me (and there are LOTS of us) were being lured to the cinema to watch this wonderful new breed of "Chick Flicks". Three cheers for the action heroes who pull us in, too. They know what’s up. The rest of you sad-sacks can sit at home and piss and moan ‘cause your woman is off, sitting three rows back from the screen with all her girlfriends, oohing and aahing over this great new strain of action hero, or you can get off your butt and BE ONE. Admittedly, my beau is not at all physically like Mr. Diesel – though he is as fine as blackberry wine, if you ask me and, well, basically all the other girls I know – but instead of being a big-ole-sissy about me loving this film for such, um, esoteric reasons, he enjoyed it with me, and afterwards told me how lucky he felt to have a girlfriend who thinks of movies like that as Chick Flicks. Now that's a hero, folks.

Sure there were one or two cute/sweet moments (just like in XXX), but that’s classic action film stylie, which you’d know if you love the Hong Kong Action Cinema like I do.
They made the movie human, and gave our heroes some depth. I am sure that there are some folks out there, men and women alike, who just take life WAY to dang seriously, and just didn’t like the movie because it was basically high-grade B sci-fi. And that’s ok. But those of you who I KNOW liked “Conan” or “Highlander” or “Aliens”, and yet claim that this flick is crap – ESPECIALLY because it was a “chick flick”, shame on you. Shame, shame, shame. Your Queen does NOT approve. May you be sentenced to Meg Ryan movies for the rest of your miserable lives!
Well, I’m going off to build a spaceship now, and maybe do some crunches.
BIG (flexing, sweaty, oily) love,
-S

*and trust me, I know from seriously nerdy guys.
**via some cosmic alien experiment, or some sort of cyber-surgery or similar – of course.
***and then him PLUS Vin****… but I don’t want to give TOO much away…
****Smelling salts? Anyone? My goodness, these spells of the vapors are troublesome!
*****They damn well KNOW better. They liked it because it was a fun, funny, bad@$$, exciting geek flick. No more, no less.