The Archaeology (Sociology, Anthropology, Biology...) of Joy

It feels like that. I am discovering/uncovering deeper joy, and it is amazing. I am learning more about the way I work, with myself, others, the world. I am trying to understand and be more... efficient.  

I've always taken IMMENSE pleasure in sensory things. So much that I have learned to try to hide how much, though I am generally unsuccessful and people comment on it often. "You look so happy." "Every time I see you, you look happy!" "You always have a smile." "Gosh, you must really be enjoying ______!" etc. Socially and emotionally, I am almost always a wreck. I have to fight depression and self-loathing every day, anger and homicidal/genocidal/suicidal/matricidal/fratricidal/CATricidal feelings more often than I would ever want to honestly admit, and no one would believe how many days I take bad hits or flat-out lose (well, not on the 'cidal. YET.) But continue to fight I do, of course. 

"It is fair to judge peoples by the rights they will sacrifice most for. Super-cat-men would have been outraged, had their right of personal combat been questioned..."

But the happiness is not faked*. Everything i see interests me. Even on the coldest day, a stray sunbeam can trap and fascinate me and turn my normal constant small smile into a truly stupid grin. Even at my unhappiest, a bird on the porch or the movement of the pine trees in the wind or the sharp sparkle of sun on the ripples of the river can just turn me to warm sensory goo. I am immensely grateful for this propensity, it has probably been a key factor in keeping me and my possibly victims alive this long. 

"They will probably not even notice you; but if they do, you are lost.  They take offense in a flash, abhor strangers, despise hospitality, and would think nothing of killing you or me on their way home to dinner."

But it causes me to seem to put on a false face. I look so friendly, happy, peaceful, and so many people take this literally at "face value" as it were, and that puts me in a lot of odd and tricky spots. I would like to be this content  in all aspects of my life. It doesn't seem very efficient, but it does seem pleasant. The problem is that I am intrinsically NOT this way. Perhaps when I am fascinated by a sparkle or leaf-shudders, - i am also watching every single movement within my periphery, ready for whatever. When I am smiling so contentedly, I could be thinking about something you said on Facebook - or putting your favorite thing in the driveway and running over it (in YOUR car) until I feel it is small enough. Usually, I am not. Usually I AM thinking about how actually tasty licorice can be sometimes, or that sweet smooch i got on the eyelid yesterday, or how weather is god-love. My squishy, colorful personage combined with my expression of stupid pleasure often seems irresistible to all but the most sour or busy, and sometimes even them. Yet, my real nature, at least socially, is incredibly reserved, at least as far as connecting emotionally with others. my level of trust in the average person is VERY low, and even with my closest and most trusted friends, i have certain points beyond which i NEVER relax. I feel awkward around other people, even my closest friends (everyone but Chris, really) 100% of the time.

"A race of civilized beings descended from these great cats would have been rich in hermits and solitary thinkers.  The recluse would not have been stigmatized as peculiar, as he is by us simians..."

It's a bad enough punishment that I often disappoint others with my disparate demeanor and nature. But being actually human and not a super cat person (darn.),  what really makes a daily difference to me is how disappointed I am with myself and all my annoying flaws and mistakes. Like a cat person, my dignity has a very hard time suffering the constant blows. Which reminds me what a vain, selfish, wussy b@$t@rd ape I really am, etc. - thus the cycle continues. But continue to fight I do, of course. :)

"Like ants and bees, the cat race is nervous.  Their temperaments are high-strung. They would never have become as poised or as placid as--say--super-cows.  Yet they would have had less insanity, probably, than we.  Monkeys' (and elephants') minds seem precariously balanced, unstable.  The great cats are saner.  They are intense, they would have needed sanitariums: but fewer asylums.  And their asylums would have been not for weak-minded souls, but for furies."

Figuring out how to make the balance is not easy. Especially when you're as easily distracted and antisocial as I am.

"They would have been strong at slander.  They would have been far more violent than we, in their hates, and they would have had fewer friendships.  Yet they might not have been any poorer in real friendships than we.  The real friendships among men are so rare than when they occur they are famous."

I have always been very analytical, and enjoyed it for the most part. It has served my survival instinct well. I am quite critical and quite judgmental, and so whatever my opinion, it is never garnered lightly. I have found that society generally frowns on this, no matter what they say, and I understand that this is often deemed inconsistent with my outward appearances.

"They would have been personally more self-assured than we, far freer of cheap imitativeness of each other in manners and art, and hence more original in art; more clearly aware of what they really desired; not cringingly watchful of what was expected of them; less widely observant perhaps, more deeply thoughtful.

Their artists would have produced less however, even though they felt more.  A super-cat artist would have valued the pictures he drew for their effects on himself; he wouldn't have cared a rap whether anyone else saw them or not.  He would not have bothered, usually, to give any form to his conceptions.  Simply to have had the sensation would have for him been enough."

This nature also makes me feel definite and determined about my personal tastes and opinions. I think I'm pretty open-minded about other people's gigs. As long as no one's being hurt (unless that's their gig) and it's all mutual and consensual, I say, have fun. But I have spent a lot of time considering my own interests, and I feel like an expert on them.

"...to the west is a beautiful but weirdly bacchanalian park, with long groves of catnip, where young super-cats have their fling, and where a few crazed catnip addicts live on till they die, unable to break off their strangely undignified orgies.  And here where you stand is the sumptuous residence district.  Houses with spacious grounds everywhere: no densely-packed buildings.  The streets have been swept up- or lapped up**--until they are spotless.  Not a scrap of paper is lying around anywhere: no rubbish, no dust.  Few of the pavements are left bare, as ours are, and those few are polished: the rest have deep soft velvet carpets.  No footfalls are heard. There are no lights in these streets, though these people are abroad much at night. All you see are stars overhead...

Follow one of them.  Enter this house.  Ah what splendor!  No servants, though a few abject monkeys wait at the back-doors, and submissively run little errands.  But of course they are never let inside: they would seem out of place.  Gorgeous couches, rich colors, silken walls, an oriental magnificence.  In here is the ballroom. But wait: what is this in the corner?  A large triumphal statue--of a cat overcoming a dog.  And look at this dining-room, its exquisite appointments, its--daintiness: faucets for hot and cold milk in the pantry, and a gold bowl of cream.

Some one is entering. Hush! If I could but describe her! Languorous, slender and passionate.  Sleepy eyes that see everything. An indolent purposeful step. An unimaginable grace.  If you were her lover, my boy, you would learn how fierce love can be, how capricious and sudden, how hostile, how ecstatic, how violent!

I want to be a good, generous, thoughtful, helpful person, and be kind to, accepting/forgiving/loving/understanding of every person I meet, but I also think most people are complete !@#$ idiots, and that many of them are hateful, selfish b@$tards, and that we'd all be a lot better off if they'd get abducted by aliens and used (gently) for test subjects or space janitors.

"In the circus, superlative acrobats.  No clowns."

I feel like, in a way, this is my life's work. Becoming the best person I can be, for my own sake and for the sake of the people who care about me - the true treasures I've found in this semi-scientific dig of my self. And there's that whole 'cidal thing too. Best to do what I can to keep from breaking that commandment at least, no matter how you - haha - slice it.

We cannot escape the fact are born to, eventually, fatally, fail. We are none of us more special than the other. We will age and die. We will make mistakes. We will break hearts and have our hearts broken. We will spend time in pain. We will never be perfect. We will often not get it right. 100% of us, no matter how we dissect and work on ourselves.

"The trouble is, it would defeat itself in the beginning. It would have too bitterly stressed the struggle for existence. Conflict and struggle make civilizations virile, but they do not by themselves make civilizations. Mutual aid and support are needed for that. There the felines are lacking. They do not co-operate  well; they have small group-devotion. Their lordliness, their strong self-regard, and their coolness of heart, have somehow thwarted the chance of their racial progress.

Luckily, I've obsessively pondered all that too, for most of my life.

I believe I started off with enough of a handicap that I don't stand much chance of reaching enlightenment in this go around. But I'm ok with that. I have plenty of work to do here. And I'm having a LOT of fun anyway.

 Whatever happens, I usually land on my feet (or at least my @$$, which is built for the eventuality. :)

"In literature they would not have begged for happy endings."

Love, peace and roasted fresh Seattle salmon-skin skin grease,

-s

*"They [Super-cat men] would not have been a credulous people, or easily religious. False prophets and swindlers would have found few dupes..."

All excerpts from This Simian World, Clarence Day. My kinda' self-help book! :)

**or gathered up and recycled for art supplies.

“None but the lowest dregs of such a race would have been lawyers spending their span of life on this mysterious earth studying the long dusty records of dead and gone quarrels.”

Hurray! Back to the blog! 
Because i have a follower (and when it's a follower like Jen, one is enough - though i welcome you all.:),

because it's therapy for me, and i believe it helps others too,

because i have things to say, and i love to share the words and art of other people who have things to say, because here you have a choice, and on FB you don't (sorry about all the daily clutter)... This way i can post and rant to my hearts' content and not feel like i'm junking up the airways (ok, ethernet, wtfever. ;) so much. Plus, i feel like i can let my hair down (or in my case, up) a little more here. FB is a little too public and varied for some of the things i'd like to express and share sometimes. Because i have this blog and even though sometimes i've gone ages 'twixt postings, i've still managed to keep it going for years. It's like my peace lily and aloe vera. even though i've nearly killed those guys more than once*, i have managed to keep them alive, and they give me clean air and oxygen and soothe my burns. yep, that's a very good metaphor indeed.
Love, peace and aloe vera gel,
-s



(thanks to X's mum and dad for the lovely amaryllis bulb. :) it was my macbeth prezzie. :)

*last year i thought i'd finally really killed them, but in the spring, i dug tiny little rhizomes out of their dirt and brought them back from that. they used to be HUGE. the spathyphillum (peace lily. see Hot Fuzz!) was like a small shrub and the aloe once filled this whole pot. :( but hey, they're still here, so there's hope! :D

The Optimists' Creed
worth reposting, worth saving, worth reading again every day!

Promise Yourself
To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature you meet.
To give so much time to improving yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud word, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on your side, so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

chris riddle does know how to show a girl a good time...

i once was lost...


Davy and Pete from FOUND magazine and This American Life came to the Grey Eagle last night. A lovely time was had by all, and there was a nice-sized crowd, but still too many Ashevillens missed out on a sweet, simple, silly - even sometimes sad - night with these lovely gents. I felt like I was sitting around in a nice living room at a really, really good party. good beer, good food, good times were had by all.
Boys, I hope you had fun in Asheville and at the shooting range in the 'Contry. We all hope you ALWAYS feel welcome here. Davy, thanks for the shout outs to local spots and for letting me totally crush on you in front of my hubby. I think he crushes on you a little too ;) so he doesn't mind too much ;)* and Pete, I've already given the roller derby girls the heads up regarding your "request" for your return trip, so start stretching now. :D
-s






*jk... though I REALLY think he has the hots for Ira. hmph. geek bitches. ;)

Enlightenment comes slow to my addled brain. But I keep looking for the light. Metaphorically and physically speaking, as much as I love and feel at home in the water, I still instinctively swim toward the light. I can take the pressure and dark of the deep, but I don’t like it. If one of my spirit animals really is some kind of fish, then it’s the kind that struggled to eventually become an amphibian. Maybe my spirit animal is a walking catfish, or a mudskipper or a Coelacanth. J Some water creature with finger bones and a taste for mudbugs.

Some things about my place in the world have begun to dawn on me. I’m finally coming to accept my self-centeredness and come to terms with it, and with how I can still try to be a good, useful person in spite of (or maybe even because of) it. I am beginning to have an idea of the effect I have on others, and though I am somewhat embarrassed about it taking so long for me to do that, I’m still proud that it didn’t take longer. I have some pretty serious decisions to make in the next few months, and I am nervous and uncertain.

Everything scares me. I am as weak as any human. My anger is my Achilles heel. My anger and my fear. TWO things are my Achilles heels, anger, fear, and a ruthless need to be a !@#$ hero. THREE things. The anger and slow-burning (like a coal carried in a cow-horn) need for revenge eat at me far worse than any of the physical disease that comes from being human.

I have managed to be isolated and then continue to isolate myself so much so that it is nearly impossible for me to feel any kind of real trust. I trust myself only, but I am getting older and slower, and even if anyone would care for me, I would not allow it. The more I get to know people, the more useful I become as a human, the lonelier I get. My only human waking life connection comes from the love I feel for others. It is so powerful that it usually manages to override everything else, all of my own grief and selfishness. It’s new to me too, consciously loving something or someone more than myself. Not I hadn’t before – I have always loved my siblings and the children and animals I’ve cared for all of my life, but it was in a broken, stunted and childish way. I suppose it still is, but at least I am conscious now. That in and of itself is a gift. Most of my love before Luna was safe love, none I couldn’t walk away from – and we all know that is something I will do in LESS than a heartbeat to survive – and somehow unattached to the center of me. Luna was worth committing to, or at least my heart/body/conscience felt so. And through her, I began to learn more about loving others and letting others love me.

I feel my own love, the love I have for others. I am as certain of it as I am of anything else within me. I know that I am loved by others, i register it with all my senses save one, the 6th, my soul, I suppose. I still can’t really feel it sometimes, but logic tells me it’s there. Sometimes I really can just tell by the amount of love I feel in return. When elsa* randomly flings herself at me and plants a sudden sticky kiss on my arm or cheek, I feel like my heart will burst into a skittle-like rainbow of sparkly happiness and I will have to sweep multicolored crystals and confetti and little jelly animals off the floor while eating brownies and singing ‘pie samurai’ through the crumbs. Yeah. That must be love, right? I’ve always felt the love of kids and animals. That’s always been a pretty basic give and take. And I, like kids and animals, go into every situation assuming that everyone will like me (well, with me: at least the kids and animals) and that expectation turns out to be true about 99% of the time. What’s with adult humans though? I guess I just don’t get it, and I’m finding out FAR too slowly how bad I am at playing the games.

So, I quit. Officially and in public. I am going to try harder to be like the kids and the animals. I am going to be more myself. I am going to say what I really think and feel. i am going to eat what I want and wear what I want, and try to be my own good and open-minded parent. I am going to sleep when I am tired and eat when I am hungry and try harder not to worry so much about what people are and arent’ saying. I will watch them more closely instead and find the real truths in what is not said and what is done. I am not going to make my inner kid play with anyone she doesn’t want to or question her when she says she feels bad. i will find a way, and I will use the stars in luna’s eyes and the imprint of elsa’s sticky kisses and the lines on the palm of my brothers’ hand as a map.

I feel myself drifting away from the median. I know how worrisome that looks to other people, but there are roads you can‘t see from the highway. I feel sorry for worrying people, but if they paid attention they’d see that i’ve gotten to be o.k. at taking care of myself (thank goodness) that I’m happier and safer out in the ether (not to mention hella more at home!) and that their worry is usually making me have to work TWICE as hard to keep it in line. I have a hard time keeping myself in the same shape all the time, and the effort gets harder as I get older. Conforming has never been easy for me, but I have tried to blend as much as I can, because I like people. I want to be liked and enjoyed and utilized. But I can’t format myself to fit the screens as easily as I once did. I don’t want to anymore. The anti-social butterfly is ready to shuck this chrysalis and move on.

I will not let folks down, at least not the ones who deserve it (based on my opinion only – and how good you are to kids and animals… J) and I am as aware and able – if not moreso – when I am out there/in here whatever. And I will always try to avoid truly embarrassing anyone in public, especially myself, so I really hope this latest selfish declaration/attempt at being happy doesn’t worry, shock, offend, insult or bore anyone who even notices too much.

Thank you for listening.

s

*Age 5, no agenda, unable to lie, a being of pure emotion and pure logic at this age still. Yay. Why can’t more people be like this?

 

this incredible photograph was taken at theOFOTCN cast party bonfire by ms. Kendall Hudson. thank you for sharing kendy.

my thoughts and feelings are flapping around this morning like sails torn loose in a storm. the noise is deafening. 

i'm ok, and i'm pretty sure i know most of the main reasons why this is happening, but it helps me to come here and sort it out. i hope you all know by now that here, i am am talking to my friends. if you aren't my friend - even if i haven't met you, or know you and don't THINK you are my friend, and i know i have some friends like that - then you shouldn't even be reading this. unless of course, you're just really bored. or you find it makes you feel less sad yourself, or something. in that case, please be my guest, new friend.

i have come to a BIG decision making-place in my life. there are questions of ground-standing and self-knowing, and stuff-burning and flat-out-!@#$-survival at hand, plus all the million questions and decisions that spin off of something like that. i have come to a hurdle, i can see it coming, i have time to decide whether to jump, veer, stop, turn around, but the hurdle is still hurtling at me* pretty fast. whee. 

it is true that no one ever said life is easy**. it's definitely not. and i have learned to be better at not purposefully involving myself in things or with people who might complicate my life dangerously or even unnecessarily. but you can't deal with a single other living, communicating, needing entity (like even a PLANT) without having to make compromises and special arrangements and things sometimes. surprises, illnesses, weather changes, lunar cycles, blahdy, blahdy blah - FACTS IS FACTS. one can set standards, set boundaries***, even set one's jaw, but there's really only so much you can do. friends cry. plants have to be watered and they get leaf mould. some guys are @$$holes. people get hurt and die. babies' diapers need to be changed. some movies suck. it's life. 

i work hard and revel in learning and trying to be good at ALL of it. if someone needs a christening gown, a wedding veil or a shroud, i can make or find one, and i can provide most of the services, skills and arts before, after and in between. i have never delivered a baby, but i feel certain that if the need arose, i could, and well, and even handle complications. just with what i have around the house, even if there was no power. i could do most necessary - and many fun and/or ornamental - things just with what i carry in my backpack. 

life IS hard, so i've tried to be good at it for ONE REASON: so that i could try not to worry so much and get on with trying to have FUN and ENJOY the good things we make and find and make sure that other people can and do too. 

no one in my waking life appointed me this duty, unless it was god, and then only through genetic planning and good fantasy authors, 'cause it darned sure wasn't any standard holy book. but i still feel an arrow-straight and -deep responsibility to this purpose. to learn and be good to the world, to myself, and to others, in that order. babies, animals and old folks first. :)

there have been several incidents in the past few years that have really tested my mettle. from HUGE ones like the motorcycle accident, the house exploding, losing Luna, the loony bin and having guns pulled on me by the cops; to smaller ones like the !@#$ emotion-go-round of existential-life-crises, shadows of infidelity, family $#*!, theater, and general hoo-ha and quackery.  this last year especially has been a test of 'who the !@#% am i REALLY'? i haven't been delighted with all that i've uncovered in the excavating, and i have been simultaneously supporting several OTHER archaeologists' digs, for better or worse, but overall i'm pleased with the whole picture. if nothing else, i know that, for the serious treasure-hunters/eco-cleaners, our heart is in our work.

part of the flappy-aroundy thing has to do with my chemistry, my meds and the way that my brain works (if that's what you want to call it). that is also effected by the fact that, every day i care less and less about trying to fit myself into the screen. i've always had problems keeping life and people in a line, temporally speaking i guess. sometimes i just don't learn or remember things that aren't important. i don't care what people's last names are, but i could draw their faces 10 years from now even if i only met them once. i really don't remember the order things happened in very well, but i often know what will happen next. it doesn't bother me so much. in fact, i work pretty well that way, as that is the way i seem to be made. but i can tell how much it frustrates liney people. i amuse and assist enough that i am tolerated and appreciated, but some of my friends just feel personally affronted by the way i am and do things, no matter what i do, or how many times they have to re-realize that this is how i am. i try to adjust myself to other people's speed, if i can, or get as close as i can, but this takes a lot of work and help, and causes OTHER complications. but who loves a dandelion and then expects it not to blow away?

i don't want to upset people or hurt people, and i believe that i am a helpful person, but time is suddenly running short, it seems, and there is still SO much to do, and i really really don't want to spend it doing and being things that i don't want to. i don't want to waste it on wasteful people. i don't want another bad moment that isn't an accident or an act of nature. i don't want to be in places or situations that make me unhappy, and i DO want to try more places and situations, because i suspect that i have it in me to be incrementally MORE happy by discovering new places, people, things, FOOD... :D

i'm learning a lot. it is like being a kid again, still. :) here are some important things i've learned so far:

i've learned that i can really be all of myself and that people can and will cope. 

i have learned how to make the ones who can't go away without violence or even a true loss of diplomacy (and i have different settings for every level of diplomatic need). 

i've learned that i can ask for and have what i want and that i can deal with the consequences. i've learned that i will never be alone. 

i've learned that i can be forgiven and that sometimes i don't want to. 

i've learned much more of what i can and will put up with, and what happens when i try against my will and common sense. 

i've learned that my thoughts, words and deeds really do effect my path and the paths of others.

i've learned that i can stand up for myself and others with no fear of the consequences, or even of failure.

i've learned that i'm a little bit of a hometown rock&roll star/superhero, and that every town is my hometown and that i am part of a SUPER super-team.

i've learned that so many of the friendships and loves i've invested in over the years were so very, very worth it, and apparently so was mine. what a great gift. (thank you internet.)

i've learned that i have power, and one of my gifts is to help others see and find and use their own.

i've learned that there is still SO much left to learn, and that's the happiest thing of all.

the flapping sails will be caught and mended. the other things will go forward or fall off because that's what things do. the burning time will come and go, and i will still be me. a different me, but still me. like the moon****. i worry (think, pray, hope...) about all of you too, every day. the people i talk to on myface and spacenook, the family and friends whose photos and art fill my life and my walls and books and head and heart (and fridge surface), there is always a little candle burning somewhere for each of you, and i am always honored when i get a message asking for special prayers, hope, wishes, light. always. 

this is my real work. more than my art (which i think is just as much a part of me as my skin now, i cannot be separated from it, not even naked and alone in the desert), more than my sundry Girl Friday work (that basically pays for my phone bill, insurance, chocolate, coffee, books, art supplies and shoes - all fuel for:), my volunteer/fun stuff, or even just the general, all-intensive job of being human, being me, being a friend, pet owner, girl-friend, sister, etc.

this constant state of prayer/meditation/trying to be aware/trying to be tabula rasa/trying to soak in life and people and light and feeling and experience and defend the rights of others to do so and help them find their way to this same simple appreciation of themselves, of others, of life, this is the thing that calls me like a grail. to be myself. to enourage others to be themselves. to enjoy the whole experience and be helpful during the unenjoyable things, so that we can get right back to it as soon as possible. 

i know i'm too hotheaded, too human, too rash and impulsive, too weak, too broken to be very good at this really. but that is one more thing i've decided not to give a damn about and proceed anyway. i feel that the fact that i KNOW these things and realize that they are handicaps, and have plans, thoughts, theories and help to work on improving in those areas, but i am certainly not going to try to wait until i am not all those things to get started. ha! 

i'm at least a pro at being me, so i think that's the best place to start. that means i need keep working on learning better people skills, like patience and whats-opinion-and-whats-fact, and and inside-head/outside-head voice rules and things like that. dressing at least DECENTLY 101, not-saying-every-single-thing-i-think, and learning to age gracefully(again. i have a feeling i've failed this one before. :), then hopefully i can keep up the good work. 

thanks for all your help. i know what kinda' pupil i am. this home-schooling is a !@#$. you've been good - or at the very worst, educational ;) - journeymen so far.

-s

 

*hur hur hur. that HURT. ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha..... *hack*  and see, only FRIENDS would even TOLERATE this, much less somehow find it FUNNY. ish. sometimes.

[i want a little red star for the terrible steeplechase mettyfor too]

**except maybe paris hilton. but what the hell would that walking cigarillo know?

***well, they're more guidelines, really...

****haha! i  made you look at spongmonkeys!

Tonight, I get to meet the daughter of a hero of mine, and give her the poem I wrote for her much beloved, respected, admired - worshipped - mother. I wrote this poem years ago, and I've shared it many times, but never with the family to whom it truly belongs. Tonight, I hope my words reach the heart of Nina Simone through her daughter Lisa, and that she understands that, before her mother left us, there were people in this town who were unbelievably proud to be from, or living in the same place where her mother was raised, people who understand what it's like to feel as if you don't belong, people who have something to say, and look to Nina for the inspiration to be able to find our voices.
I belong here now, and so does Nina. I wish we had all been able to give each other a chance, before it was to late for her to recieve the heroes' welcome-home that she deserved, and to give and recieve the forgiveness that we all deserve. But through her family, and through the people of Tryon - especially our Dr. Crys, another beloved, talented native - not giving up, doing what it takes to build the bridge, we have come to be able to celebrate and share her legacy, and our pride in Tryon's most auspicious child, Eunice Waymon, nee Nina Simone.

Here's this poem, yet again, reposted from my blog on Tuesday, May 4, 2004

Nina

You sing to me
when the hurt is so deep
that nothing else can touch it.
Your voice is rough and strong,
like my fathers hand resting on my back,
weighted heavy with long years
of understanding ache.

You know the burdens
of love and salvation,
the sound of grief
at the bottom of a glass,
and you talk to me, soul sister,
any time I need to hear.

Sundays,
I walk past the place
where you slept and dreamed
of other lives, of freedom.
I imagine that you came this way,
swinging your arms,
singing softly to the graveyard.

Did you sit here
on your steps and cry so loud
that all the Mill Village
dogs would howl,
but not another human could hear you?
I hear it, and I howl too.

Now, all the wealthy white men –
actors, poets and politicians –
have their names plastered
on every other building.
Not one of them knows me,
or you, or cares.
Civic pride has a limit, I suppose.

I know you won’t come home –
I can’t blame you.
I came here to get away from home.
But your voice still rings down Markham,
across Scriven creek valley,
and gives me courage to face another day here.

My civic pride says:
“She got out.
Will I ever?”
It also says:
”Of all the things I’ve found here,
I am most proud of you and I.

-sll 1999

by the way, i can't tell you what a joy it is to live in a place where you are able to wake to the sound of the river on a gorgeous spring morning, fix breakfast and coffee for self and friends and then pack folks up to go hear Lisa Simone Kelley sing to children for free. blessed be!!!
Crys, and everyone who has been a part of this amazing project, thank you so much for all you have done. Thank you for letting me help a little. And for letting  me hold the power in my little hand. <3

you know, as !@#'d up, dangerous and bizarre as life on this planet can be, it is things like this 2006 news story, these photos and the subsequent comment poem that they evoked that make me realize how much i really, really love this life.



poem posted by:
lumberpoet Thursday Dec 14 12:26 PM
troubled dolphin that nibbles plastic
has fading health and beeding soul
tall guy called for measures drastic
quick put your arm down its pie hole
***
for the full story, visit: http://cellar.org/iotd.php?threadid=12777

life is certainly a hectic, hurried mess. not just mine i mean, and not specifically at all. the whole thing is. it seems almost impossible to imagine that with the physical reality that we have been handed, we could somehow carve out music and art and love and architecture and sushi. it's a miracle that the varied and strange forces on this planet managed to evolve and evoke... "stumbleupon.com". for example, if all people were more like me, we'd still be worrying about tigers and how to find a consistent source of fruit. my cave walls would be gorgeous though. :)

the trick seems to be to seek out and hold on to the joy. that's another neat thing we've managed turn from biology into art. joy in animals pretty much equals safe environment, plentiful food, good den, good pack and/or mating pool, and the time and ability to slack off and play a little. think about the varied riffs on joy we get! from super subtle (opening a new bag of coffee) to extreme sports (madame butterfly + javier bardem + a nice palette of ben nye body paints and a good, good brush...) and all the shades in between and far, far beyond my own imaginations' rather pale spectrum, i am sure*. as dangerous and varied as life on this planet is, every single little bit of joy - contentment, humour, peace-of-mind, fun, pleasure, whatever - that we manage to carve out of the craziness of just existing, subsisting, is a miracle! and yet there is so much of it. it's crazy to me. it's also crazy that i have only just begun to realize all of this. being able to admit to myself that bad things happen because that's how life is, and to be able to accept that i am the kind of person who does accept that, prepare for that as best i can, and be there for people when things like that happen helps me be able to also be the kind of person who can generate joy like a little power station - and encourage others to do and be the same. i've said to myself and my friends over and over since i was in the crisis stabilization center again - only the bad in life is GUARANTEED. hard times, illness, death, need, injury, sadness, pain, all those things are for sure. it is the nature of existence. we can certainly fight those things - and we do, in beautiful and weird ways - but one can no more stop forces like hurricanes and the bush regime than the 'man in the moon'. some things, you just have to wait out and pick up the pieces as best as you can. and have you noticed? we weird beasts have managed to find a way to even make carve joy out of THAT. remember the aftermath of september 11? remember how we all came out and came to each other and found love and respect and personal patriotism** and then went on with our brilliant and bizarre lives?

i guess i'm just amazed today. our own life is not easy. we have some serious worries and responsibilities right now. not one thing is certain, we are not getting any younger, etc., etc.
but i feel content. it's not just the meds, or the recent spring days - though i am grateful for the push those things give me - it's making the decision to look at now. to be grateful for whatever i have. to find joy in loving others, not fear. to let go of some things. to face old stuff and make hard choices about it. to follow my dreams, no matter how small or complex. to listen to my heart. it says: "thump thump. thump thump."

-s


*it's not that i am unimaginative, it's that i am so EASILY amused and distracted by every everyday thing. i never get a chance to get to the really far out stuff! :)
**meaning not for our government or the "symbol that is america" but just for each other as a sympathetic sad and scared neighborhood. same with katrina aftermath...

skin deep

hello all good peoples (and you too).
i'm having a major tom morning, and thinking of doing something irrational and exciting. like wandering off down the river and exploring junk piles. i have paying work to get done today (art work, yay!) and favor work too (more art), and i WILL get them done, but the air and the birds and the winter light are so tempting, not to mention that major tom needs to get the !@#$ out of the tin can for a while, jeezis. it begins to get dark around 5, and x will be working on Cuckoo's Nest, so i can be agood responsible girl and get my work done then. maybe i'll even watch 'buffy' while i work... ooooo...
my challenge today, as far as the tin can in my head goes, will to attempt to explore my good memories without letting them distract me from the day and from the here and now - and without side-slipping into concomitant bad memories.
wish me luck. :)

i am feeling very intrepid and excited about the coming show. the music is amazing. andy has been working his @$$ off and it's plain to see that he is inspired and enjoying himself. that's the best thing of all. he is really getting into translating the script into the elements i've suggested*. he seems to read my mind, and he can understand sam-speak (bjork fans of the world unite!) so when i say 'hey andy, right here, it needs to be like "bbbzzzzzrrRRRRrrrrT!, and the bleeps need to sound more... 'squishy'..." he UNDERSTANDS COMPLETELY**. we talk, listen to some sounds, then he records/samples/edits and sends me the raw piece. i listen, take notes, talk to x about it, then we get together, and tweak each piece bit by bit... it is INCREDIBLY fun, and i am INCREDIBLY awed and honored to be able to do this and work with somebody like the Balla (Audio Boy Scout, in tha' HOUSE!).
auditions are this coming weekend, and then the fun REALLY begins. x is almost done with the blocking, we've made rough costume notes and much less rough set design sketches (THANK YOU LINDSAY!). i get to begin building the Transformer soon - ooh! there's a good excuse for junk pile digging! yeah! we've got an awesome crew on board too, and a lot of good interest for auditions. let's face it, this is a show that people want to be involved in. come audition!

the lingerie party was a blast. we were a HUGE hit and got some decidedly awesome photos. everything from sweet portraits to super-naughty (but no worse than mildly r-rated) pinups. 1800 of them! of course we will weed out most of them - blurs, blinks and blahs - then further cull the best of the best and then post them on my flikr account (the naughtiest will be privately emailed to the subjects. sorry. :). we handed out little mini flyers with a link to the flikr page so they can get their free pics, my contact info and a 10% coupon for a personal photo shoot with any of our photographers. there were so many brave, beautiful people there and our little studio with it's truck o' funky props and seasoned (and rather exacting and demanding - they all seemed to like that! *CRACK!*) photographers seemed to bring out the best in them all. it was tremendous fun. we also got to invite some of our closest friends and so we got to party as well, taking turns with the booth and letting each other mingle and dance and whatnot (yeah, whatnot!) and then when our batteries gave in, we packed up and let ourselves sink into the party until, well, dawn. :D
as a teaser i've posted pics of our intrepid photo team, doing their best to make the most of this tough, tough job... that's me with the long haired fellow (he made a great pirate), chris and a very nice lady and lizzy throwing signs with our friend par.

(AND antony just came on my radio. *sigh*. life is good, in spite of the pain.:)
ok, i'm about to take a bunch of vitamin I and then get ready to leave the tin can.
i hope you all have some good adventures today too. there are some of you that i would really love to spend the day with. most of you are far away, but if you get a wild hair, call!
xoxoxoxoxox
-s


*I wrote a list of 11 audio elements that i wanted as a thread throughout the music, based on my interpretation of the script, like crows, water, coyotes, electricity, a heartbeat, a foghorn, etc. and andy edits and effects them to fit the beat/piece/moment. i must say, it's the $#*!

**"Wait, you mean you actually understand what he's saying?" - Ice Cold

changing
you may have noticed that i changed my blog format a little. it's good to stay fresh. it's all part of my not-so-evil scheme to overtake the world... well, MY world at least. :)
i'd like to thank mike belleme and kristen molina-nauert for the tarsier photo. x and i went through their tarsier album and chose one pic to represent each member of our family. you can see the george and x tarsiers in my myspace album. :) they took LOTS of pictures of these sweet little beasts on their grand photo tour of asia - please treat yourself to mike's photo blog. prepare to feel your heart growing. you have been warned...

staging
i am planning a coup of my own webpage - if i can keep paying my server guy long enough to keep it up - hurhurhur. i have an evil plan in mind and today is the day i kick it into action. no more ms. relatively nice gal. the gloves have come off. i will be asking for your help. when the time comes, you will recieve a message. again, you have been warned...

learning
i am not very big on the whole self-help industry, but even my stubborn, opinionated @$$ cannot deny that sometimes, you need a little help, and sometimes you have to take it where it can be found. i have joked for years that the only self help books i trust are desmond morris' 'the naked ape' and 'the human zoo', but the truth is that i have found the work of dr. peter levine to be incredibly useful lately, and i have used poetry and fiction as life-guidance for as long as i could even listen to someone else read.
the one thing i thought i'd never catch myself doing as an adult is reading an advice column. when i was a kid, my grandma and i faithfully followed dear abby and heloise (we were also dedicated to the NBC soaps...). i remember enjoying judging whether or not i thought their advice was worth a !@#$ (it usually was) and liking the sort of 'here's a problem, here's a fix' element'* (like 'car talk' for people). so, i guess i shouldn't be too surprised that when someone dear suggested that i would enjoy this writers' extremely matter-of-fact (not to mention funny-as-hell) approach to trying to help people be not so damned stupid. kelly dee ("I Told You So: Better living through my opinion" - LJ) is doing her part to make the world a better place, she is not cruel or sarcastic for the sake of seeming cool, but she is very, very blunt. YAY! please check her out. send her a letter! i plan to... see if y'all can guess which one is mine! :D

growing
ok, back to NPR, breakfast, getting ready for work with that sweet, hot boss of mine (y'all should see her MOP... man, and dusting, don't even get me started - OW!). while i work today, i plan to scheme and plot and help plan the S.M.U.T. revlution... muwhahahahaha... hack.

i hope you all have adventurous days, that you find yourselves mindfully and pleasantly occupied, and most of all that you feel loved, especially by yourself and your higher power (even if that's your dog. ;)
drink more water!
-s


*this 'need to tetris/gemdrop/solitaire gene' exists in all of us, i think. i believe that it required us becoming OCD as a species in order to evolve.

Warning: for those who are easily offended, this particular blog entry contains some bad grammar, naughty words and strongly stated (as well as contradictory to some conservative/fundamental) opinions, so please, for both our sakes', don't read on if it will dampen your day or cause you to call/write to me and gripe about it.
thank you,
-mgmt.

the horrible muddle
Current mood: contemplative

one of my nearest, dearest - a young friend - sent me a desperate e that said:
"i don't want to lose my wonder of the world...
and i feel like i am.
i feel like it's happening."
she also posted the lyrics from a very apt and illuminating song by ben folds five that made her point very clear**. i tried to call immediately but when i couldn't reach her, i sat down and wrote this - as much to myself as to her:

i think i've begun to figure this one out a little. this is one of those places where we REALLY have to work hard to over-ride our human programming (at least long enough to adjust the code as best we can) and rely on our ANIMAL selves.
it seems that humans need wonder (innocence, belief, faith, humor, love, whatever) to face the overwhelming awfulness that life is. even the creation of life is shocking and messy and delicate and painful, in more ways than one. how could we ever stand it otherwise? all of life is hard. even in the good moments we manage to feel guilty because we should be doing something else or because we know that millions are suffering elsewhere, or because we are scared and wondering when the good will go away, or because we've had such hard lives that we don't even know HOW to feel happy or safe or relaxed, or just because we're @$$holes.

animals need safe dry places to sleep and each other and food and for humans to stop fucking up their rhythm. they don't need clocks or calendars or gas cards or cellphones or valentines' day. they don't wonder why they're here, or if they're doing the right thing, they don't feel guilt or angst or ennui - though im willing to bet they do feel joy and fear and sadness - three things which seem to make them efficient. they seem to keep it pretty simple.

we are humans. it's pretty ridiculous to think that anyone, even brilliant geniuses such as ourselves (:), could undo thousands of years of biology and social programming in such a brief and intensely busy little lifetime. but perhaps we can BEGIN. we have to remember that we ARE animals, and that we can deal with all our human crap - which is NOT magically going to go away (not for jesus or buddha or crystals or drugs or love...) - by getting to know and trust our animal nature. we must apply our animal basic nature to our appliqued human hooha and evolve.
i believe that if 1% of the population of the planet did this, we could definitely affect (effect?) the rest of the planet, but we all cling SO desperately to our weaknesses because they are familiar and comforting in a fucked up way, and because it's 'easier' than working toward evolution. all one has to do to stay the same old way is nothing. just muddle painfully and messily through being the same old way (and likewise deal with others doing the same goddamned thing). other people don't make it any easier either, because your average joe or jane is TERRIFIED by the sight of someone else working their tail off (haha) to scramble up the evolutionary ladder, because that means they'll either have to start working harder or get left behind, wandering in circles in the nigh-abandoned mall food court of life.

as for you particularly, dearest girl, don't you see? you can't lose your wonder. it is the stuff of your being. your body, your soul, the color of your eyes, the sound of your voice, your motivation, your drive, your tears, your experiences and the way you express all of them, they are made up of, among other things, a GIANT pool of wonder! go back and read what i wrote for you with this in mind. and re-read the part about how we are "different" wile you're there: night and day, one second to the next, etc. - they aren't different at all, they the exact same thing, just different colors and all of them ever-changing. you and i - and others out there - are the true wonders. and nothing, not even the harsh reality of life can bleach us of it. when everyone around us fades and fails, we are the spark that brings others to action, good, bad or ugly - we cannot help it. we just have to be ourselves. look to yourself hannah. there is the wonder. if you have a hard time, let me be your mirror. even at my worst, my saddest, my bleakest, i still think i am something amazing, because i am. and there are others. there is you.

innocence can certainly be lost. if you ask me, it's a miracle that it can ever even exist. even if you were just an average jane, if you'd made it to age 20 and still have it, you couldn't even have it SURGICALLY removed.
you can certainly grow up and get older, but NOTHING in my adult life (let's say past age 25) has been worse than all the horrors that melted into my bones by age 5, 10, 15...
so these years ARE my wonder years. i now have enough food. no one beats me. no one locks me up. no one rapes me on a daily basis, no one hurts me or my den-mates every day. i don't have to hide unless i want to, and despite the fact that i experienced ALL of those things before age 10, i can still carry on and find a reason, even if it's only DUTY* sometimes, to help others do the same. if all of that couldn't take the wonder out of me, i'm certainly not going to let ME do it now!!!
life IS hard. life HURTS. and it ISN'T ever going to get better. but it doesn't have to be as bad as it can be. people have made it clear to me all of my life that i somehow make life better for some of them, and that tells me clearly what it is that i have to do. and i don't have to sacrifice myself or be a martyr to do that. in fact, that would be self defeating, because if i can keep myself going better, stronger, longer, then i can help more people in the long run.
because we are as we are, it's our JOB. and for the most part, it's a shitty job. most people are clueless, helpless, and sickeningly ungrateful, but luckily we are smart enough to recognize fairly quickly who might evolve and who might not, and our base animal nature instructs us quite definitely to leave those slack bastards behind in the dust. then there are the ones who DO get it and who DO care and who ARE grateful, and they become the ones that WE can hopefully depend on when things start regressing and getting sludgy and webby and furry in our own ecosystems.

it's there. it will never leave you. please find it. and please, please, please remind me to do the same. every day if need be, because i do feel you sister. on the night of the equinox, i decided quite firmly that once i finished this play and got my legal ducks in a row for chris' sake (i called a lawyer to draw up a living will the very next day), that i would then treat myself to the utter selfishness and finally release myself from fear and guilt and worry for once and for all. and i swear to you, BrightGirl, when i finally got the nerve to discuss this with chris, i could easily justify leaving everyone in my life but you. i knew that he would ultimately have an easier life without me (and he bravely and honestly admitted that this was true), i knew that my little ones would forget and that there would be no need for forgiveness on their part. i knew that my 'saluda son', my brother and my sister-J would completely understand why i'd made this choice and that they could all go on just fine without me, but i just couldn't imagine going away from you now, at this time in your life. i wept over that for hours, and as you well know, a moments' hesitation in times like this can completely turn the tide. we need each other.

i know this is an intensely personal reply, but if you don't mind, i'd to post this as a blob. as personal as it is, it is something that i think others need to hear, or maybe need help saying to someone else. i certainly would like for others in my life to know that i feel this way and that i struggle hard and that i am trying not to give in. even if not specifically because of them, then generally for them, and their loved ones, and even for strangers or future people who may need me. i need to be reminded that this is my job. this is the kind of animal i am. and i desperately need to remind others of the same thing. THIS IS YOUR JOB!!!
THIS IS THE KIND OF ANIMAL YOU ARE!!! DON'T FORGET!!! AND REMIND OTHERS OF THE SAME THING!!! be an active part of the 1% (or praise be, 10%, 50%, 100!!!)! get your head out of your @$$ (or out of whoevers') and evolve!!! and don't let me slack either, not for one second!!! call yourself on this! call each other! don't start tomorrow! don't give in to denial or fear or laziness! if looking in the mirror doesn't work, ask an honest friend - or an honest stranger if need be! if you don't know any, learn to recognize it and find some! i think there are more people out there who feel this way than we would ever suspect. don't be afraid. find each other. change yourself, change each other, change the world, even if it's just one person at a time. and unlike so many other quests in this weird, screwed up, scary life, this one is easy for one reason: at least with this one, we know where to start.

-s

*do not even think for ONE SECOND that THIS is just duty, young lady. :) we are fishbone sisters, you and i. :)

**"Good morning, son.
I am a bird
Wearing a brown polyester shirt
You want a coke?
Maybe some fries?
The roast beef combo's only $9.95
It's okay, you don't have to pay
I've got all the change
Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
And you're so much like me
I'm sorry
Good morning, son
In twenty years from now
Maybe we'll both sit down and have a few beers
And I can tell you 'bout today
And how I picked you up and everything changed
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you'd feel the same things
Everybody knows
It sucks to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
You'll try and try and one day you'll fly
Away from me
Good morning, son
I am a bird
It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you'd feel the same things
Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It's so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
Oh, we're still fighting it, we're still fighting it
And you're so much like me
I'm sorry"

-ben folds

the state of the onion

(it is all about layers, isn't it?)

it's been a strangely lonely week, despite the film team and the magnolias. it's bad enough that luna's absence is like a lost limb, but x is away on a week long shoot and with the gas crisis and work/play schedule, there is no way for visiting. the loneliness doesn't come from their absence though - i am at least proud to say that - but from what rushes into their absence. it's either the unadulterated* all of me or all the people who've wanted a piece of me for a while and haven't been able to get at it for my preoccupation with my own life (and of course, the magnolias). the all of me i can handle - though it is harder without luna than i could have ever dreamed. the loss of my eyes and ears and fuzzy beautiful shield wall has been devastating. people treat you differently when you are always with a dog and when she protects your home, especially if she is fierce and wolfy. as crazy as i go when i'm alone, it's the kind of crazy i'm used to and i feel that the things that surface are things i need to look at and feel and think about, no matter how hard and scary and ugly they can be sometimes. ignoring or burying these things is like - and please pardon and be warned - gross metaphor (or is it simile... it's simile, i think :) ahead: it's like getting a cut and letting the surface heal before the interior is clean. i won't illuminate further, i'm sure you get the gist. and that is exactly what it's like. when i begin to go off the edge into the blue or the black or the red, i just have to trust myself and follow the rabbit, even if he looks like frank**, or else the rabbit will haunt my sleep and sap the energy from my waking hours, and when i'm tired, it's all rabbits, all the time. !$% that. the point is, i don't so much mind my own company, even when things are rabbity. who was it what said 'loneliness is other people'? no, wait, it was 'hell', wasn't it? and it was sartre. maybe hell was loneliness to old jean paul. the problem is, when you are striving so desperately to be connected to others, it hurts. bad, all the time, non-stop - all of it (sometimes even the good can pull as hard on the soul as the bad). and what makes a person feel more lonely than holding in and taking in and soaking in all pain all the time? not much.
i am not complaining - i CAN'T. this is my choice. i decided to look at the world this way and let out my mental and emotional real estate in this manner. but here - and to my few close friends who can and will sometimes take on the loneliness of me - is the place where i can offer my pain, like christians do to their gods, like hindus do to the river, and pray that it doesn't add greatly to anyone elses'.or even that, in some way, it might lighten someone elses' load somehow. things are hard right now. (i mean in the world in general and specifically in the world around me. things are fairly calm in my own quarters, partially because i have consciously locked down and minimized as much as i can.) maybe not much more so than usual - there are always deaths, fears, losses, tragedies big and little - but they do seem to really glare in the light of economic hardship and major national tragedy. and of course, with new acquaintance comes new emotion, new pain to absorb, and new things to learn and consider about my own situation. it's a little sad to me that loneliness equals other people. maybe that's the next thing i need to work on.

right now i have my hands full with surviving as far as the job and transportation issues go, and thriving as far as my artly selfishness goes. i tell myself that i am supporting the theater, helping keep that particular beloved art alive here in this little town and encouraging others. i know i've been selling tickets, and i have done a lot of direct fundraising too. but the real deal is that my soul wants and needs to do this dangerous, exciting, exasperating thing. even though i believe i am helping the community, and that makes it something i can logistically and realistically justify, it's just that i need it. i need to explore this aspect of myself and my personalit(ies), i need to open and close certain chapters of my life, some which have been dog-eared since before i can remember.
i've got enough work lined up to get me through november at this point, and i have to pray that things keep coming. i have hopefully set enough wheels in motion that this won't be an issue. whatever happens, i won't let it be. chris is also getting good work right now and making solid inroads to more. i have made some headway in getting rid of material things, and the universe has been helping with that. i had a call today that solves the problem of one very large and very valuable (yet useless to me) possession and will very likely allow me to install a pantry, which i feel has become a necessity. i'm looking forward to tackling the MAJOR 'stuff evacuation' beginning in november. i am hoping that habitat for humanity, salvation army and other needful places will be happy to have it, and i suppose i'll yard-sale or give away the fun-stuff to friends.
it's time to go be magnolias - which, by the way, has REALLY begun to be fun. for all the addition of new heartache and joy to my saturated heart, these girls also know how to let you lean a little. they freely offer chances for some se--saturation, bless their hearts. :) they are good listeners and good people and they make me feel special, which is treat indeed, coming from such very special people. even with the lonely, and the blue, black and red, i am a lucky girl in so many ways. that's my self-sermon for today. what's yours?

-s


*this is DEFINITELY a 'triple intender' where i am concerned.
**my dear husband loves donnie darko. *sigh*

Currently reading : Monstrous Regiment By Terry Pratchett Release