The chain of events that inspired my May 24 rant have borne some bitter fruit. Y’see, it was all about this one boy*, who sadly stands as a symbol for a small, but general slice of the populace that just seems to have problems with ME.
Though I genuinely like this boy, I don’t “like-like” him – he’s a happily married man. So it’s not a ‘spurned affection’ kinda’ deal**. We don’t know each other very well, but we both participate in a joint social activity that involves planning, decision-making, creative thinking, strategy. We game together. I’ve been gaming for 22 years, and in all of that time, I have never played a party leader, nor have I ever played with a female party leader. I never gave it much thought, until recently. This man has been gaming for a long time, too. But he has never played with a woman at all. In the game we play (an rpg, D&D***), my character was the first in the game, and she is the party leader. In this case, she is the leader of our party, the chieftain of a village of about 700 people, and the commander of a cadre of 19 soldiers – so far. So. There is a lot of planning, plotting, strategizing, y’know… TCB.
I have never been one for strategy games. In my experience they were always a bunch of guys sitting around, engaging in metaphorical pee-pee wagging, and arguing a lot. Screw that. But in this game, when everyone is pulling together, pooling their resources, it is a heck of a lot of fun. We’ve been playing this game for over a year now, and we’ve had a lot of fun and accrued a lot of ‘experience’. We’ve also begun to build a pretty fine kingdom, all starting with just one girl, a sword, a horse, and a letter.
When we first began to play this game there was another boy with this exact same problem (me). Ironically enough, this new guy is playing the same character. The problem was, they didn’t like me running the show. We played with other guys, too. And a couple of girls. And NONE of them had these complaints. But these two guys have both been angry with me to the point of yelling, personal insults, and lack of sleep and stomach-aches on my part.
I have been pretty stressed out about it. I love to play this game, it’s one of my favorite distractions. More importantly, to me, it is more than JUST distraction. It is a good – if odd – form of soul-searching. Finding out more about yourself and your friends, testing the limits of your imagination and beliefs. So all of this anger and dissension really hits home deeply. Like a bomb in the basement, or the baby’s room.
It’s easy for me to say here that I have tried hard not to push these guys buttons (and believe me, they are covered with them, and they are impossible to miss). But I really haven’t. I’ve busted my ass to keep the peace, partially because it’s part of my character’s job, but mostly because I really enjoy playing this game, and I want everyone else to enjoy it, too. I honestly believe that my GM and the other players would agree.

I know – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that these men don’t like having a woman as a leader. Even if, or maybe ESPECIALLY if, she’s pretty good at it. I believe that if I was a man, they’d follow me blindly and loyally if I was as good a leader – or maybe even not as good a leader – as I, Sam/Magda am.
And this is just a faint, little tiny echo of a problem that somehow still exists, the world over, in homes, offices, sports arenas, workplaces of every kind, the military, and on and on and on.
I guess I’m spoiled. I was ranting about this to a friend last night and I told him that a big part of the problem was that I was so unused to this. I have been blessed by (or have made good strong choices…) being surrounded by men who just love to see women fill all the space god allows them. See them be all that they can be. The men in my family had no choice. They either appreciated badass (and I do mean BADASS!) women, or they got the hell out of dodge.
If I beat my guy friends in arm wrestling, they’d just be really proud of me, and start lifting more weights the NEXT DAY. And those men have reaped what they have sown. They have whole harems of women – wives, girlfriends, friends, daughters, sisters, moms, aunts – who are THE cream of the crop, capable of EVERYthing, make them look like the pimp-daddies, and treat them like Kings because these women are grateful to have men in their lives who truly appreciate, respect, admire, and love them. Who never sell them short. Who know how lucky they are and also how wonderful THEY must be to deserve the love, loyalty and attention of girls like this.
God damnit.
And then there are guys who are NOT like this.
What’s so sad is that both of these aforementioned blokes are good guys. Likeable guys. I really wish that it wasn’t like this. I wish there was someway to change it without my having to be the bottom dog. (NEVER. Not even for Vin.) I have yet to meet the man, and truly suspect that one has yet to be born, that could make me roll over. I’ll acquiesce, compromise, try to be civilized and thoughtful for a decent man. I’ve even done these things for men who didn’t deserve it, because it’s what you should do, sometimes, HAVE to do, sometimes. But NO woman, NO ONE, should ever have to be bottom dog to anybody else. Y’all know what I’m saying here. If you don’t, write to me, and I’ll explain.

So the crux of all this is that our game – one of my favorite, least expensive, most readily available, worthwhile, lovely, fun escapes is being disrupted again. And I am being forced to examine this silly and painful dynamic that affects my life very deeply, on many levels. Because a boy doesn’t like feeling that I may possibly be more of a “Man” than he is.

It’s the real reason that I’m single. That I will probably stay single. And you know what? It’s the one reason that I can accept with pride.
And I promise y’all, if I ever DO meet a man who is truly my match, I will let y’all know. If only to warn you that there is now one BAAAAAAD M!@#$% F!@#$% on the STREETS! ;)

Much love.
-s

*For those of you who don’t know, I always use the term “boy” and “girl” when I mean “male person” or “female” person. I only say “man” when I am mad, talking to the police, writing an essay or imitating Miss Prissy off the Warner Bros. cartoons.
**Though I have had issues with these same kinds of boys that were exacerbated by that particular condition.
***Role Playing Game – Dungeons and Dragons

well, today was one of those days when i found out just why bravery is a trait that i respect above all others... i came a little closer to discovering the true strength of my convictions... i found out a little more about my (seemingly) bizarre and sometimes inexplicable attraction to and respect for certain people... and i found out that some of you really do read all of this stuff and pay attention.

well. if you're gonna live and speak, live bright, speak true.

thank you all* for really reading, and paying attention, no matter what i might say. i hope you all know that i try to be civilized and circumspect - and i appreciate it when you are, too.
and thanks for the compliments, too.

-sam


*well, those who do.

Let me say, right out ‘the box, that this was written by a MAN. Yay, him! This is truly beautiful. These are some of the most incredible words of wisdom I’ve ever read – and I’ve read a LOT. Hiro Protagonist, a mid-20’s young man is talking to his partner, Y.T., a 15 year old girl.
From the novel “Snow Crash” by Neal Stephenson

“Well, I think I figured out what she was doing - why she came here.”
“So?”
Another simple and obvious question. “So, I feel like I understand her now.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, well, sort of.”
“And is that supposed to be a good thing?”
“Well, sure.”
“Hiro, you are such a geek. She’s a woman, you’re a dude. You’re not supposed to understand her. That’s not what she’s after.”
“Well, what is she after, do you suppose – keeping in mind that you’ve never actually met the woman and that you’re going out with Raven*?”
“She doesn’t want you to understand her. She knows that’s impossible. She just wants you to understand yourself. Everything else is negotiable.”
“You figure?”
“Yeah, definitely.”

Words of wisdom, boys and girls. Live by ‘em.


*”Raven’ is an enormous badass Aleutian evil-hottie who’s VERY quick with glass knives and harpoons and who drives a Harley with a nuclear warhead in the sidecar. She has her best O ever with him and then kicks his butt and dumps him by the end of the book. I like this girl.

wednesday. blah. the kids are out of school. raar. j.w. treated me to lunch AND kristen brought me some good non-american food. whee. i gotta pee bad. WHEE! i may have broken wendi's lawnmower. moo. no one has written me back about STUFF. boo. i am broke. bluh! kathryn called and said faire pics soon. yay! and so on and so forth.
it's just been that kinda' day.
a moderate amount of love,
-sam

well, am happy to say i got some SAM things done this weekend. !@#$in' YAY! i certainly didn't get as much done as i wanted and needed to, but hey. everything is everything.
page is updated, house civilized a bit, working on yard, started painting a dress i've meant to get to, and worked on making my deadline list of "10jillion Things I Have to Do for Other People." sigh.
i also had a GREAT memorial day dinner, got invited to the goree's for steak and grilled corn on the cob, sweet potatos, aspara-goose, and TEQUILA! woo! have been reading a FANtastic book (on tam's reccomend) - "Snow Crash" neal stephenson i believe. really incredible cyberfiction. i haven't read any of that in a while, and now i'm on a run.
that's about it. sorry to be so lame. but you know what? i'm DUE some damned lameness, thankyouverymuch.
:D
xoxox
-sam

after yesterday's rant, i am happy... no, delighted - practically wiggly with pleasure to be able to tell this little story.
i have a friend, a very young one - the, uh, graduate fron the 5/20-21 rants - who is, by all appearance, a typical man's man, and quite young, to boot. we all know how inadvertantly dumb young guys can be (yadafoc), bless their little hearts... this fellow gives me hope, though.
yesterday evening, he had to call on me to ask if i would come with my truck, pick him up and go with him to pick up a table.
now, i don't know too many girls with trucks, but there is a definite mystique and 'secret society' attitude about us and our trucks. (they were talking about "girls with pickups" on the bob and sheri show earlier this week. it's a "phenomenon".) needless to say, we - g.w.t. - know this, and we like it. it sets us apart. makes people wonder about us. that's ok. it also makes you into someone that people call when they want something moved or need to haul a lot of stuff... it's a power tool, in more ways than one. :)
so, of course, i said yes. i'd be happy to help him. i'm sure he knows buckets of boys with trucks - he's a redneck guy. but he called ME.
when we got to the spot, someone had already picked up the table, so we just had a nice little afternoon drive. there's no way this good friend of mine could have known what was troubling my mind, but as i pulled up to the light, hit the clutch and downshifted, he shook his head a little, in that very country way, and said "there's just somethin' about a woman who drives a straight-drive pickup."
my rantworthy mood was still on me and i said "whaddaya mean? is that BAD?" and he cocked his head, gave me a VERY nice and telling smile and said "nah. HELL nah." and then he gifted me with a grin that let me know that DESPITE what all those OTHER guys think and say, i'm doing just fine with myself. just fine.

there definitely is something about a woman who drives a straight-drive pickup truck. and i should count my blessings that i don't have to deal with the men who are too afraid to find out.
big hugs to all my sister-girls who drive trucks and play softball and aren't too crazy about dresses and draw their own houseplans and do their own plumbing and know that fake nails are a waste of money and go barefoot and arm-wrestle and can break down their gun in under a minute and fire it dead on and can catch AND clean a fish (a whole mess, if you give them time) AND raise kids (even other people's) and can cook and sew and look like a movie-star in ten-minutes flat and sing like angels (or not, and sing anyway) and paint and draw and write and keep a man MORE than happy... and the biggest props of ALL to those men out there who are smart, lucky, badass and beautiful enough to CATCH and KEEP one of these amazing women!
A-MEN!