Hi! fyi, i am leaving town tomorrow a.m. for a lovely babysitting gig. Ally, Elsa and I are heading to Skaneateles, NY (which is Ally's hometown) so that she can attend her little sister's wedding. On the way we are stopping at Hershey Park*, then Elsa and I get to go to a renaissance festival about an hour away on the day of the wedding, and on Sunday, we're going to Niagara Falls and Canada!

Expect stories and pics when I return!

Much love,

-s

*a CHOCOLATE theme park. NOW we're talking! !#$% Disney! ;D

I performed in two plays before I was 30. When I was in the first and second grade. I played Annie Oakley in 1st grade for the end-of-year play, and in the 2nd grade, I was the narrator for The Night Before Christmas. I went for the next 25 years or so, wishing and pretending myself into roles and lights, I learned timing by watching the actors I love, I read plays, I watched films, I filled in on student films, doing the jobs and roles that no one else wanted to do and loving every second of it, but I never really thought I had the chance or a real ability to act.
Several years ago, I met my friend Buffy through one of those odd moments of serendipity that I've honestly come to expect from every minute of life. The very night we met, she sold me on Renaissance festival performance. She was a big part of the local faire - and one of the two certified stage combat trainers - and before the nigt was over, she and I had already begun to choreograph our first fight. I auditioned, got one of the 4 lead roles, playing Herald to the evil prince, and by watching Buffy's hubby Brett do his bad guy best, I learned to improv act and do stage combat. Cast in the role of the good prince's Herald was another new face, my now beloved friend Hamilton. He and I spent a lot of time together that year, learning lines for the staged part of our gig. We called our cousin characters "Rosencrantz" and "Guildenstern" and we became Rosie and Gil to the faire crowd. From Hamilton I began to learn discipline and the tricks of learning lines, not to mention projection. I performed with the faire for four years - first-time directing a cast of 77 (with a show including multiple plays-within-the-play, original musical numbers and a REAL wedding as part of the show!) my third year, and putting together our own entertainment troupe for the last year.

While I was doing the faire - which i did with Chris for 2 years, Chris and I got invited to join a local (Asheville) sketch comedy troupe called the Feral Chihuahuas. That was my first chance to try seriously (ahahaha) writing and performing comedy, and even better, watching other people perform my stuff, and perform things written for me. Timing and characters became my love. Plus the soapbox venue that comedy provides is very satisfying. We went all the way to the Stoneleaf Festival with that gig. 15$ seats for a two week run. It was porn. Love at first laugh.

That inspired us to write the ren-faire show, and then from there, we went on to the 48Hour Film Project, and back to my first love, film making (and I will never leave my first love...)

but then... I discovered true love. That irresistable pointless fling that I cannot help but stray to, despite the insanity and consequences...

A couple of years ago, a new director in town decided to attempt a beautiful, , difficult and dangerous play. When he asked the local theatre veterans who should he talk to about the most difficult role in the play - that of a severely physically and mentally disabled young man, everyone told him to call Chris. Chris has been performing with the local theatre since he was 9. I've never met a more talented actor in person, especially on a local level, and I'm not just biased. The veteran actors' he has worked with have all made a point of telling him what an honor it is to work with him and that they learned from him. He's a natural, and it's huge irony that he prefers being behind the camera or curtain so much. Because the role called for a certain violent physicality between his character and another, I offered to help the director block that with whomever he cast for the other person, because of my stage combat experience. He asked me to audition on the spot, and cast me as that character. He changed my life forever. That experience, the learning, the changing, the challenges, the listening, overcoming fear and my own horrible ego... it was amazing. It was all so new that I didn't have time to realize what was happening to me.

Then last year I saw that they were casting my favorite play - Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. One of my two dream/fantasy roles - impossible to learn, a man's role, no hope of it - but I got cast. I got the Oldman role - the ME role, and beloved Hamilton came back to Guildenstern me. It was so scary, and so hard, and yet we pulled it off. As insane and tough as that experience was, it didn't shake me. Some bungee jumps go more smoothly than others, right?

This spring, I was standing in my temporary Saluda kitchen when I got a call from the woman who played Chris' mom in that first amazing play - Greetings. She said she was doing Beth Henley's "Miss Firecracker contest, and asked me to come in. She said there was a role that no one else she could think of could pull off better... :D How could I resist? It was, without a doubt, , one of the most wonderful experiences of my life. My first time on the main stage (Greetings and R&GaD were in the TLT 'blackbox' theatre), a role I could abandon myself to, other actors that I kew well, admired and trusted, a director who's heart was all the way in it, and an audience who was right there with us every night. Love, love, love, love, love!

Then along came The Little Prince. When I heard - and offered myself to the director as her sketch artist - I was unaware that the summer productions were supposed to be all kids - and in this case, all 8-12 year olds. But she said she thought about my offer, and about the pressure of that role (combined with the fact that the sketch artist never appears on the stage) and decided to cast me. I'd never worked with kids on that level before, and never been in such an elaborately staged production, even at the faire. To watch that unfold, and have such an intensely technical job was such a gift! Dear Lizzie (my 11 year old assistant) and I were on an open 4x8 platform 10-12 feet above the ground, against the back wall of the theatre, behind the sky, with an overhead projector on a smaller platform between us, a monitor, an array of supplies (including our script notebook, transparency boxes, markers, puzzle books and snacks) and our pillows. I was on a headset, so that the booth or stage manager could tell me when the Aviator (Sara Seagle - WHAT an actress!) began to draw so that we could sync, and I recreated the sketches of St. Exupery on the beautiful sunset sky, to the accompaniment of our 9 year old Sophie's percussive sound effects and my friend Wendy's flute and bells. Wendy and I also did the makeup design and helped with the application, so we were deeply entrenched (though when, I ask, are we ever NOT?! :D) and Chris said it was the best youth show he's seen in his 16 years with TLT. Ambitious, complicated - beautiful!

I'll post pictures for several days, enjoy! (And DVD's are available! Go, Chris!)

Much love,

-s

Dear Diary...

heh heh heh.

No, really. Why do we do this? Diary, blog, draw, story-tell*? And why do I ask myself – and you all – this question over and over again? Is it:

a.) because it’s my favorite question?
b.) because I haven’t found a satisfactory answer yet?**
c.) because there is no satisfactory answer – or, more likely there are one per being – and i am banging my head against a metaphorohypothetical wall... again?
d.) because i had more than 12 seconds uninterrupted by work or other active distraction?

Yeah.
I think about that scene from The Color Purple. The one about how we are like flowers and do what ever we can to get God to notice us. It’s the definition of God that seems to set us, each one, apart. For some of us God is each other, or our parents, or own self-approval, for some the classic Heaven-encompassing Father or Mother... For the first time it seems to make sense to me why people try to religiously convert one another. Maybe it is so they will have more people to share their vision of God, and so God’s attention will be more uniform – he/she/it will love all the children equally. Sometimes it seems as if conversion, witnessing, etc. are a way of trying to curry God’s good favor – ‘look at me, mom/dad! I’M the good kid, see?!’ Notice me. Love me more. We try to set ourselves apart, and yet cling so hard to our otherness and never see the difference in consistency and what that does to our peace of mind on a second-to-second basis. It hurts.

As a close friend – and fellow cosmic questioner/storyteller – often not-so-subtly reminds me, the things that piss us off the most are often the things we are guilty of. It is true. But I honestly cannot see anything else in anyone else unless I have truly recognized it in myself first. I don’t feel capable of commenting on things that make me angry in others unless I’ve first dragged myself through that fire and feel certain about what it’s like to be such a dumb-@$$. It’s hard to comment on someone else scorching their feet when you don’t really know why it’s a stupid thing to do. I want to constantly work on not doing and being the things that make me angry, because I know what it does to people. My motives may be personally selfish, but as long as no one ever knows or FEELS that when dealing with me, as long as my motives are not ONLY selfish, then I feel that I am trying actively to make the world a better place to be in. In other words, I am working as hard as I currently know how – and working every day to learn new ways - to keep myself ‘suitable for human consumption’ and still be true to myself. I suppose my own documenting and storytelling helps me keep all of that consistent and real. We all know how brief and easily manipulated human memory is. Hoo boy. And we all know what the mind can do to you when your body is trying to maintain its’ status quo. Why else would abused children grow up to abuse – or wed abusers? The list of bad life choices based on mental choice versus emotional reaction could fill a daily blog in perpetua... Damn those pesky neuro peptides.
But the thing is, see, you are stronger than neuro peptides. The phrase ‘free will’ is enough to rock even centuries’ long established churches. The human mind is ridiculously, incredibly powerful, and yet we still choose to blame biology and sociology and economy. To hell with that! The worst limitation I’ve ever faced – in a life of seriously hard knocks and kinky knots – is my own mental and emotional fear and laziness. My mother is a sleepy kitten compared to that. Because that power is there, no matter WHAT channel my brain is tuned to. If my thoughts are bad or negative – they’re SAM-STRENGTH bad! If my love shine is turned on and focused, I can burn holes through every heart for a hundred miles and light up the sky.
A ‘net acquaintance got angry with me last summer because he read on my Myspace profile that I was one of my own heroes. He said that was impossible, and claimed a vanity that surprised and disgusted him. I’ve had debates with friends on whether being self-centered was a bad thing. I wish, in fact I pray every day, for people to become more self centered. To focus and work on loving and perfecting one’s self. To become a hero to one’s self. Can that really be a bad thing? It seems like it’s the only possible solution to
truly making the world a better place. I think the first thing you learn when you really dive into yourself is that you are part of one big soul. That everyone really is equal, at the core of it, and that what you do to yourself and others circles around and through and back to you. That the people who make you the angriest are probably the ones who need love the most. That you can forgive yourself and others. That you can change yourself and nothing else. That acceptance has it’s time and place, that being strong and loving yourself are good things. That sometimes you have to say no and walk away. That sometimes you have to stay and compromise. None of these are possible if you don’t know and love and trust yourself. It should be your life’s first, most beautiful, satisfying, fun and steady work. And you should never retire.

xo

-s

*Hi, Rob!
**Yo, OCD, in tha’ house! Every side!