Pain, pain, pain, pain, pain.

My god. My head hurts so bad that it hurts to THINK – much less read, type, sit at a desk for 8 hours, or even watch tv. Every sound and smell is amplified, all light. It’s terrible.

For those of you who have not heard this lament, I have had the same headache now since September 20. I think I am going to give it a name. Some days it is bearable, just an insistent prod. But on days like today, when my jaws and neck and shoulders and back ache with it, and my eyes throb, I just wish I could be sunk into a semi-coma in a dark room for however long it takes to abate.

My allergist, the lovely and talented Dr. Adele, has changed my meds, hoping that would help. Nada. But I think the rest of my allergy problems have diminished some, most days.

For those of you who see yourselves fit to judge me harshly, maybe it’s a punishment for my evil ways. I’ve considered that option when I was at the apex of the migraine. But when the pain mellows out to a bearable buzz I remember that I am a good person trying to be a better person and if there’s a classic God and He (no Mother Goddess would do this) sees fit to punish me this way, then I’m for the Other Team anyway. What I know, when I can think clearly, is that the only punishment I am suffering is the same one we all suffer, and that is the penalty that we pay for living in the environment we’ve created. I’m just too sensitive to this chemical muddle that is modern human life and it is breaking me down.

Migraine aside, I am persevering. I’ve got some personal issues with the people close to me that I need to ponder, in the moments that this Mal de Tete will let me. Plenty of challenges to face, that’s for sure. I am watching my own struggle with my very stubborn human nature battle it out with my knowledge that I must find a way to put all that aside with interest and curiosity – and not a little angst. Things are said, and my gut reaction is to call the person on what I perceive to be their wrongs or lies or whatever. It generally comes down to one question: "How important is this?" Some things, outside things, really don’t matter. I can choose to accept the falsehood on the basis of things like maybe “no one can really prove this” or “maybe I’ll decide to just be quiet and let that person deal with their own conscience over this, because the important people know the truth”, or even “at the end of the day, who really gives a !@#$.” and let it go. But there are other things, bigger things, personal judgments on my thoughts and behavior, on my soul and beliefs, that are much harder to back away from. Should I just accept these judgments quietly and allow the ‘judge’ to think that I am accepting of their decree? Maybe that is the right thing to do. It’s just SO hard for me.

My family has taught me the hard way that if you fall asleep on the job, you can wake up painted as whatever they need you to be in order to comfort their own egos or consciences. I have, in the past, been known to be a bad cook, a bad singer, clumsy, lazy, a liar, insane, cruel, completely full of shit, a sinner … the list goes on*. There is no doubt that I have been all of these things at moments, like every human, but I have never been any of these to the bone. However, I feel pretty certain that there are some of these that some of my family members – along with other people from my past – would accredit as some of my intrinsic traits, until I die. I have made the decision to walk completely away from some of my past acquaintances (and even family members) who continuously tried to shove me into these boxes, but there are some people that you really don’t want to walk away from. I suppose you can’t really do that though. If someone continues to want to hurt you, then I guess you have to walk away peacefully, hopefully with love. In the past (as recently as yesterday), I’ve stood up for myself and tried to ask them to see me differently, but some people don’t want to – or in their view – need to change. I suppose I just have to accept that and make my choice.

I don’t want my loved ones and acquaintances to think that if they say anything critical about me that I will just walk away. I hear a lot of "critical" judgments’ (helpful suggestions) from people who love me - and really know me - that I DO agree with. I am grateful to them for listening to my side, though, and I am grateful to them for trying to help me be a better person. For those of you who have been brave enough to do that, thank you. I hope that you have seen some change in me, and if you have not, I will try to be understanding if YOU make the choice to walk away from ME.

And for those of you who have judged me and listened to me and allowed me to change your perception of me, to prove that I am more than you see, thank you, bless you. I’m proud to be worthy of your attention and consideration. It is you who inspire me to keep trying.

Every day, I’m sorry for the hurt I cause. Every day, I look for ways to be me and stand up for myself and still be a good, kind person. Every day I make mistakes and sometimes I miss the clues as to how to improve. But I have learned that love and patience and trying very hard to step outside of your self and into the other person’s shoes is the only possible solution.

If you are one of the people I’ve made the choice to walk away from, I hope you understand, and if you are one of the people I’ve tried to convince otherwise, I hope you see that this is because I see your need and love you too much to walk away from you, and this is all I know how to do – so far.

And if migraines are a punishment for being this way, bring ‘em on. I can take it. I’ve certainly taken worse.

Much pain, but more love,

-s

*the most important, terrible, life-changing things that have ever happened to you can also magically cease to have existed. that's a neat trick, too. :(

WARNING: Strong language and opinions.*

Goddamn it, I’m pissed.
The whole world is going right to hell in a hand basket. There’s huge, deadly, grim and seemingly unending world war and civil dispute as well as the usual urban violence and misery - homelessness, poverty, domestic trials - and yet good, sensible, loving people still find it necessary to fuck themselves and one another over in the places where it is absolutely unacceptable.
None of us is perfect. None of us are machines capable of going on endlessly with no relief. We have fragile psychologies and we need constant maintenance – understood. But we are also brilliant, thinking, loving beings capable of achieving actual divinity, and yet, we do this utterly stupid, mean, thoughtless shit to each other and then SOMEHOW wonder WHY THE WORLD IS SUCH A SHITTY PLACE.
It is a shitty place because we do not love ourselves and we do not love each other enough. Bottom line.
Hurricanes and rockslides and cancer all suck, but they are completely beyond our control. We are experts at surviving these kinds of things and going on with our lives. We can recover from these enormous, terrible things and the losses that come with them. What we cannot get over is the little tiny (and sometimes really HUGE) horrible things we do to each other and ourselves a million times a day every day.

I am not trying to preach something I don’t practice, either. I am not perfect**, and I will never be perfect, but I have realized/figured out/decided/been told OVER AND OVER AND OVER again that I MUST try harder to be a better person. I must learn to love myself, I must respect myself so that my friends and family don’t have to worry about me, I must keep myself strong so that I can handle the gigantic, overwhelming volume of SHITE that the world throws at me every single day, I must be able to recognize when I CAN’T do these things anymore and let someone know, and I must do all of these things for every single other person that I come into contact with as well. And I dare anybody to say that I am not trying. I may not be trying hard enough yet, but I’m working on that, too. Every single day.

People say to me and to each other: “you can’t take the problems of the whole world on your shoulders” and “you can’t do all this alone” and “you can’t worry about things that are beyond your control” and “it’s not your responsibility”, and all that, but you know what? If I don’t do it, who fucking WILL? And if EVERYBODY tried a LOT harder, it would be a LOT easier on every single one of us. Who REALLY cares who you wanted to vote for?*** Who cares about gay marriage? Welfare? Who cares what your stand on abortion is? The answer is ‘at the end of the day, it doesn’t really MATTER.’ There are real issues and real babies and real friends (including some who might want to marry people of the same sex) and real strangers – including the ones we’ve been conditioned to think of as ‘enemies’ who need something NOW. And those are the things that we can give them, and teach them to give themselves, if we could ever step out of our pre-programmed little settings and actually use some common sense and logic and actually give a damn. Sure, maybe you're pro-life and Christian - doesn't that mean that you're still supposed to love the girl who made another choice? Help her in her time of need? I’m not saying ‘Don’t vote, don’t stick to your guns on the issues that matter to you…’ but I’m saying that while you work toward those things that can take YEARS to change, especially considering our democratic system, put your bullshit aside in the REAL world and do some things that will really HELP, like volunteer somewhere that you are needed, like a library, hospital, senior center, homeless shelter, build houses for habitat, organize a bake sale to provide Christmas for kids who need it – SOMEthing. Put aside your moral stuff and just HELP.

We – myself included – need to quit worrying and whining about what we can’t do and do SOMETHING to better this world. And not just a little something. If enough people decided to stop half-assing around and make the choice to devote their entire lives to making the world a better place – starting with themselves, then even if we fail, we will be able to say we lived a life worth living. Every single one of us needs to strive for this. In my opinion however, it is impossible for people to try that and fail completely. No way. Even in my own half-assed way, I have made a HUGE difference in a LOT of people’s lives. You all tell me so, and I see it around me. What could I do if I tried just a little harder? And what if I tried a lot harder?

And you know what? Yesterday proved to me that stepping outside of yourself and focusing on other people’s problems can be the very thing that saves you from your own self, at least for a while. We all need to be aware of and concerned about the Big Picture, but we need to chip away at it by dealing with the first things that come our way, one or five or twenty at a time until SOMEthing changes. And if we all did that, then when I finally take on more than I can handle at the time, and just collapse, there will be people there to catch me too, because we will all be awake and aware, or at least AVAILABLE.

This is only a truly Sisyphean struggle if we look at it in a Universal sense. Yes, we will eventually all fail and die, yes, our galaxy will eventually be sucked into a black hole, yes, the environment will eventually cease to be able to support human life, but not today. And today we can do SOMEthing, ANYthing to hold back the tide, make a small difference SOMEwhere, to SOMEone. And if EVERYone gets off of their ass and stops making excuses and stops pondering their existential doubt and who’s zooming who and what J-lo’s wearing and “I told you so…” and DID something, it couldn’t help but get better – or at least it would change and not be the same old same old that we all keep bitching about.

If people read this or more likely just know this and still make the choice to hate or just be apathetic and make excuses and wallow, then you are no better than the people who spend their time actively trying to do harm. If you have a choice in your day-to-day doings, and you consciously make the choice to do the bad thing or the truly selfish thing, then you are as culpable as any true villain. If you ever call yourself someone who has a loving soul, someone who cares about themselves, your children, other people’s children, the world, then you cannot make excuses any longer. You MUST try harder to make a real difference. No more excuses, no more slacking, no more bullshit. Find a way, in every thing that you do, to try to improve 1. your outlook, 2. your world. If that means thinking twice before you flip off someone in traffic, finding more ways to carpool, calling on friends when you need help, calling friends to offer help when you have some spare time, picking up a piece of trash on the side of the road, volunteering somewhere once a month, meditating while you’re in the bath/shower/potty, telling someone you love them when you want to call them a dumbass, putting someone else’s feelings before your own IF it’s not detrimental to you (and if it IS detrimental, try to find another way, a compromise), letting someone cut in front of you in a line, dropping the pennies in the bottom of your purse in the lion’s club box, baking cookies for a neighbor you don’t know well, trying harder to like someone that you have problems with, trying to listen harder when someone is saying something you don’t agree with – there are a million ways. None of us are trying hard enough. Every one of us needs to try harder to be Ghandi or Mother Theresa.
We need to reach out, we need to give until it hurts. We need to find ways to say what we feel and get our needs met without hurting anybody. We need to share the wealth, whatever kind of wealth we have. We need to think not only twice but THREE times. We need to truly love our enemies. We need to do everything in our power to make peace. We need to try MUCH harder to make the right choices about the REALLY important things and try harder to forgive ourselves when we screw up the small stuff. We need to take ourselves and each other to task. We all need tough love, sisterly love, brotherly love, motherly love, fatherly love, godly love – MORE LOVE. We need to increase it, share it, spend it, spread it until there is NOTHING else.
Nothing else is going to save us. Nothing else will work. ‘42’ is cute and funny and ironic, but THIS is really The Answer. It is the only thing that will work, the only thing that will save us, the only thing that can make us into the grand creatures that we THINK we are.
Period.

MUCH love, and more where I can find it or make it. This is a vow. I expect the same of all of you, but I will do my best to keep my promise whether anyone else tries or not.
-sam

*This is not the erudite plea for peace and understanding that I have every intention of posting here when I can finally stop gritting my teeth long enough to put it together and type it. This is just something I HAVE to say. This is my monkey-self ranting as need be. Sorry.
**woo, am I not!
***The government damned sure doesn’t.