You know what I’m craving (besides fried chicken, that is…)?
Beach time. It doesn’t have to be big white sands and surf, either. It’d be just duck-lovely to be sprawled out on one of those folding chaise thingies out behind the Pink House*, facing the inter-coastal waterway, with my head-phones, baseball cap and cut-offs on, less than ten feet from the dock, watching the birds swoop and dive over the marsh, with no more plans for the day than to eventually get up, grab a co’byar, stroll down the dock and tie the innertube to the rail, take a dip, then climb in the ‘tube with my beer and take a nap… maybe towards evening, go hunt some boiled seafood (which I CAN have, !@#$-damnit…) and one more beer… then perhaps a little night swim if the tide is right and then a good night’s sleep, with my head next to the window so I can hear the water and feel the breeze ‘til the sun comes up. If I was feeling spritely, I might borrow a bike the next morning, pack a backpack and ride down to the beach for a few hours, but I also might just like to take up my spot near the dock again, and go on pretending that the rest of the world is just a dream for a little while longer…
I need big sky. I need warm water. I need warm sun and a place to rest my body (like in the warm sand. I bet that would ease the pain some, youbetcha.). I need to be out of the HATE I’m living in every day – at least for a while (but honestly, it gets worse after each reprieve). I need time to figure out what matters, what I can really do about my situation, whether or not there’s any point to anything any more…
What am I worth if I can’t DRAW? If I can’t help my friends – and enjoy my friends - and go dancing and take long walks and fight and play and smooch and eat good (bad) things and have whole good days – several in a row, even? What is life worth without those things?
This, of course, is a hypothetical question, that nobody can really answer but me. But as it is, as my life is right now, these days, the answer is “not worth a damn.” I am ashamed to be having thoughts and opinions like this, I promise you. I know this is not my real, usual self, but I am the one living in this body, and it seems that the picnic is OVER. The ants are getting into everything, thunderclouds are building up, and I have to pee.
Frank said he has a friend who did a lot of yoga, which allowed her to go back to work after a year. How in the hell do you take a year off in the first place? I am working full time and I can’t even afford yoga classes (yes, this is even with my !@#$ raise.), even if I could get the time off to take them. Work leaves me so tired that I can’t do anything afterwards anymore. Last night I went home and the best I could manage for dinner was 12 crackers and some !@#$ grapefruit juice. I spend my days off recuperating from my days on, praying for the strength and energy to be able to get some laundry and dishes and cooking done, and usually everything else has to slide. It is becoming a major undertaking to go out and get gas and groceries and pay bills. !@#$ this.
Bleak, y’all. I’m sorry. Please forgive me for feeling and being this way. I swear to y’all that I KNOW this sucks – I suck**. Y’all only have to have rants and intermittent visits, but I have to live with me and all of this all the !@#$ time. My friends and real family are the best thing I have in my life right now, and it’s killing me to see what I am and what I have to offer now. My friends have always loved me because of the very things that I am losing day by day.
And sitting at the computer in a public place and crying is not helping. *Sheesh.* As if i weren't worthless enough as it IS.
I’m sorry folks. In my heart I am still the same me, and that’s what hurts the most, that I know who I am and what I am and what I have been capable of, and seeing all of this change, so much of it beyond my control, beyond my ability to cope and accept, is worse than I could have ever imagined.
Nonetheless, I still have – and it’s just about all that I really have -
much love,
-s
*at the wonderful Doar-way in Sunset Beach.
**shut up, Mike. You are NOT funny… ok, you are, but STILL, shut up!
Saturday, March 06, 2004
Friday, March 05, 2004
Alright folks, here you go. What's REALLY going on in Sam's world...
Well, I’ve listened to my doctor, asked a lot of questions and I’ve done a bunch of research, and I’m pretty sure that what’s wrong with me* is that I have fibromyalgia.
I have discovered that what I eat and drink has a VERY noticeable effect on the level of pain and exhaustion. Since I started this new diet (NOT to lose weight, but to find out which foods affect me in which ways) I have noticed the HUGE effect that eating ANYTHING has on my body chemistry. This diet basically involves giving up every good/bad thing that I love – no sugar, no wheat, no heavy refined starches at all (yes, that’s potatoes and white rice), no caffeine**, no chocolate, very little – if any – meat (fish is good), and LOTS of brown rice, tofu, vegetables, soy-milk, non-wheat grains, and fruit. Luckily, I love all of these things too (yes, even tofu and soy-milk), but I’m telling y’all – it breaks my heart. Fast food – gone. No pizza, no Chinese food, no (mmmm…) Whoppers, no Taco Bell… no NOTHING. Bupkus.
Kill me now.
No matter what I eat – even if it’s the most disgustingly light and wholesome thing you can imagine – I get veryvery tired and “brain –foggy”. That lasts until my metabolism catches up. Depending on what I eat, the length of time that I am both tired and “stupid” varies. If I eat something bad (I cheated and had a hamburger), then I am basically worthless for hours afterward. I can’t do anything but go to sleep.
I have decided that, once I get myself leveled out, I am going to treat myself to the occasional beloved thing – a small bit of dark chocolate (less sugar), or grain-sweetened chocolate, an occasional cup of black tea, a coffee, a gin and tonic - but it seems that I will literally not be able to have more than one or two of these ‘treats’ a week. When I do this, I will have to be prepared beforehand for the increase in pain.
Is that not just !@#$ MISERABLE?!
I would NEVER do this to lose weight. But I have got to do something to try to keep all this in check, or before long, I am not going to be able to do ANYthing most days. That may happen anyway, no matter what I do.
!@#$.
Another thing that I have to learn to deal with somehow is that, no matter what I eat, no matter what I’ve done during the day, after 4:00, I’m done. My energy level starts dropping between 3:00 and 4:00 every day, and then for the rest of the day (like on Fridays, when I work until 7:00), I am a zombie. The only time that this is different is if I’ve been resting for days. My energy level still drops (on bad days, I go to sleep as early as 6:30 or 7:00 and sleep ‘til morning), but if I rest a bit, or if I’ve been rested for days, I get a second wind late in the evenings. If I have a lot of things that need to be done, then I just have to go to bed before 9:00, get up at 5:00 in the morning and do everything then.
Currently, I am on no drugs other than the 150mg of welbutrin that I take every day to help me get better sleep. I sincerely hope to keep it that way. I’m worried about work, I’m worried about taking care of myself, I’m worried about how happy I can be with so many of my important things (not just food, but my energy and strength and vibrance) taken away from me… I’m worried about whether or not I can live with this, and about whether I am wasting my few good hours a day being a monkey for the county and it’s Tyrannical Overlords (Evil Underpants***) as well as kissing ass and wading through !@#$ red tape all day long. I’m worried about whether I even have any CHOICE, and about how THAT concept makes me feel… I’m worried that I ought to do my very good (best ever) boyfriend a favor and break up with him so that HE doesn’t have to worry about all of this… I’m worried that my life is basically over at 35 and what’s really left for me? A slave to mediocre (and diminishing yearly) medical benefits? Keeping a job to keep my benefits that keep me alive and allow me to do nothing more than work and come home tired everyday to sleep so that I can work again the next day? Where does my art fit in? I am losing it, simply because when I’m done with all my obligations, I’m too tired and in too much pain to draw… and I know that some of you realize that it is THAT that really keeps me alive. Not just surviving (though my art has pulled me through times that NOTHING else could get me through) but being ALIVE.
I’m sorry, this rant just sounds like the complaint department, but I started this website to let the people who give a damn know what’s happening with me. This is what’s happening. Right now, I’m so tired and bunched up from pain in my shoulders and head that I can’t even really think straight anymore. The thought of turning around and doing this all day tomorrow and Sunday is just… !@#$!!!
But, what can you do?
Watch M.A.S.H.?
Much love,
-Sam
*besides the obvious.
**that means NO coffee. No TEA. Oh, my beloved tea…
***MST3k, in my favorite episode, “Mitchell”, this is what Gypsy calls the Dr. and Frank.
Well, I’ve listened to my doctor, asked a lot of questions and I’ve done a bunch of research, and I’m pretty sure that what’s wrong with me* is that I have fibromyalgia.
I have discovered that what I eat and drink has a VERY noticeable effect on the level of pain and exhaustion. Since I started this new diet (NOT to lose weight, but to find out which foods affect me in which ways) I have noticed the HUGE effect that eating ANYTHING has on my body chemistry. This diet basically involves giving up every good/bad thing that I love – no sugar, no wheat, no heavy refined starches at all (yes, that’s potatoes and white rice), no caffeine**, no chocolate, very little – if any – meat (fish is good), and LOTS of brown rice, tofu, vegetables, soy-milk, non-wheat grains, and fruit. Luckily, I love all of these things too (yes, even tofu and soy-milk), but I’m telling y’all – it breaks my heart. Fast food – gone. No pizza, no Chinese food, no (mmmm…) Whoppers, no Taco Bell… no NOTHING. Bupkus.
Kill me now.
No matter what I eat – even if it’s the most disgustingly light and wholesome thing you can imagine – I get veryvery tired and “brain –foggy”. That lasts until my metabolism catches up. Depending on what I eat, the length of time that I am both tired and “stupid” varies. If I eat something bad (I cheated and had a hamburger), then I am basically worthless for hours afterward. I can’t do anything but go to sleep.
I have decided that, once I get myself leveled out, I am going to treat myself to the occasional beloved thing – a small bit of dark chocolate (less sugar), or grain-sweetened chocolate, an occasional cup of black tea, a coffee, a gin and tonic - but it seems that I will literally not be able to have more than one or two of these ‘treats’ a week. When I do this, I will have to be prepared beforehand for the increase in pain.
Is that not just !@#$ MISERABLE?!
I would NEVER do this to lose weight. But I have got to do something to try to keep all this in check, or before long, I am not going to be able to do ANYthing most days. That may happen anyway, no matter what I do.
!@#$.
Another thing that I have to learn to deal with somehow is that, no matter what I eat, no matter what I’ve done during the day, after 4:00, I’m done. My energy level starts dropping between 3:00 and 4:00 every day, and then for the rest of the day (like on Fridays, when I work until 7:00), I am a zombie. The only time that this is different is if I’ve been resting for days. My energy level still drops (on bad days, I go to sleep as early as 6:30 or 7:00 and sleep ‘til morning), but if I rest a bit, or if I’ve been rested for days, I get a second wind late in the evenings. If I have a lot of things that need to be done, then I just have to go to bed before 9:00, get up at 5:00 in the morning and do everything then.
Currently, I am on no drugs other than the 150mg of welbutrin that I take every day to help me get better sleep. I sincerely hope to keep it that way. I’m worried about work, I’m worried about taking care of myself, I’m worried about how happy I can be with so many of my important things (not just food, but my energy and strength and vibrance) taken away from me… I’m worried about whether or not I can live with this, and about whether I am wasting my few good hours a day being a monkey for the county and it’s Tyrannical Overlords (Evil Underpants***) as well as kissing ass and wading through !@#$ red tape all day long. I’m worried about whether I even have any CHOICE, and about how THAT concept makes me feel… I’m worried that I ought to do my very good (best ever) boyfriend a favor and break up with him so that HE doesn’t have to worry about all of this… I’m worried that my life is basically over at 35 and what’s really left for me? A slave to mediocre (and diminishing yearly) medical benefits? Keeping a job to keep my benefits that keep me alive and allow me to do nothing more than work and come home tired everyday to sleep so that I can work again the next day? Where does my art fit in? I am losing it, simply because when I’m done with all my obligations, I’m too tired and in too much pain to draw… and I know that some of you realize that it is THAT that really keeps me alive. Not just surviving (though my art has pulled me through times that NOTHING else could get me through) but being ALIVE.
I’m sorry, this rant just sounds like the complaint department, but I started this website to let the people who give a damn know what’s happening with me. This is what’s happening. Right now, I’m so tired and bunched up from pain in my shoulders and head that I can’t even really think straight anymore. The thought of turning around and doing this all day tomorrow and Sunday is just… !@#$!!!
But, what can you do?
Watch M.A.S.H.?
Much love,
-Sam
*besides the obvious.
**that means NO coffee. No TEA. Oh, my beloved tea…
***MST3k, in my favorite episode, “Mitchell”, this is what Gypsy calls the Dr. and Frank.
Thursday, March 04, 2004
hello, peeps...
nobody probly even CHECKS this anymore because i've been gone so long... *snif*
i can't blame y'all. i try.
*snif*
:) i'm not really cryin', i've just been VERY sick. i had the flu, and was sick for a week straight. i would say "sick as a dog", but i've never seen a dog as sick as i was. in between all the effluvium and misery, i've still been busy as a one-armed, uh, something-or-other in, um... a very busy place.
i was trying to think: what's the MOST important news i have to tell all of you, since i am here, posting, !@#$ FINALLY... and i think i know what it is:
I GOT A MEXICAN WRESTLING (luciador?) MASK!!!!! :D
i got it when i was in texas with my sibs - which i also haven't told y'all about.
oh, there's lots. i just need to !@#$ catch up.
sorry, peeps.
if i'm not posting, and i'm not dead, then that means that 1. i'm busy, 2. i'm ill, 3. big brother is watching, 4. all of the above.
i'll say "4", bob.
snoo.
i will try to get back in the groove folks - thanks for hanging in here with me. i know that at least ROB is reading (HI, ROB!) and i know that my rants matter to some people (i played "therapy" with all my girlfriends last ladies' night, and i now know that my rants actually MATTER to them. moo.
also, 'don't know if i told you, but this site called "the insight - a spiritual directory" wrote to me and asked if they could link my blog - THIS blog to their site!!! (???) so, i said yes, and if you go there and click on "spirituality" and then click on "enlightenment" (???), and scroll through all the sites, you will find ME!!!
what were these people thinking?
oh well. i AM spiritual, and i suppose, in some way, i AM enlightening.
thank GOD i am not drinking anything right now... i HATE cleaning herbal tea out of keyboards...
:D
OMNI MATTE PATME OM, PEEPS!
i'm going to go home, and, uh, meditate now.
much love,
-sam
nobody probly even CHECKS this anymore because i've been gone so long... *snif*
i can't blame y'all. i try.
*snif*
:) i'm not really cryin', i've just been VERY sick. i had the flu, and was sick for a week straight. i would say "sick as a dog", but i've never seen a dog as sick as i was. in between all the effluvium and misery, i've still been busy as a one-armed, uh, something-or-other in, um... a very busy place.
i was trying to think: what's the MOST important news i have to tell all of you, since i am here, posting, !@#$ FINALLY... and i think i know what it is:
I GOT A MEXICAN WRESTLING (luciador?) MASK!!!!! :D
i got it when i was in texas with my sibs - which i also haven't told y'all about.
oh, there's lots. i just need to !@#$ catch up.
sorry, peeps.
if i'm not posting, and i'm not dead, then that means that 1. i'm busy, 2. i'm ill, 3. big brother is watching, 4. all of the above.
i'll say "4", bob.
snoo.
i will try to get back in the groove folks - thanks for hanging in here with me. i know that at least ROB is reading (HI, ROB!) and i know that my rants matter to some people (i played "therapy" with all my girlfriends last ladies' night, and i now know that my rants actually MATTER to them. moo.
also, 'don't know if i told you, but this site called "the insight - a spiritual directory" wrote to me and asked if they could link my blog - THIS blog to their site!!! (???) so, i said yes, and if you go there and click on "spirituality" and then click on "enlightenment" (???), and scroll through all the sites, you will find ME!!!
what were these people thinking?
oh well. i AM spiritual, and i suppose, in some way, i AM enlightening.
thank GOD i am not drinking anything right now... i HATE cleaning herbal tea out of keyboards...
:D
OMNI MATTE PATME OM, PEEPS!
i'm going to go home, and, uh, meditate now.
much love,
-sam
