“Freedom is something relative, very relative. To me, freedom is the feeling you have inside of being able to say what you want to say, but having somebody consider your opinion. Because maybe you’re free to say or yell whatever you want but who acknowledges you? Who implements what you’re saying if it needs to be done? So where is your freedom? Sometimes freedom has it’s limitations.”

- Dr. Aleida Guevara (daughter of Che) in an interview with Michael Moore.

My conscience has been hammering at me harder, everyday. Guilt is eating me up like cancer. I can’t justify not doing as much as I can about the problems I see around me anymore. There is no drug that can remove my conscience, there is no chemotherapy for guilt, there is only one cure and that is to do as much as I can until I make a difference or die trying. I’ve talked and written about it and worried about it and prayed about it and in my own way I’ve worked hard to make a difference, but it just hasn’t been enough to allow me to feel right with myself. I’ve had several ‘messages from the universe’ lately pointing me in this direction, and I feel called (drawn, pulled, pushed, dragged, you name it) to answer and give what I have, and all of it, not just some. I’m going to have to begin slowly because of the everyday responsibilities that I have undertaken (and also to teach myself to do this properly and responsibly) but I should be free of most of those by the fall, and there is still a lot I can do in the ‘quiet spaces’ in between until then. I also know that I can’t abandon Chris and my responsibility to him, but we’ve discussed this and he has agreed to help me find a way. I have decided to leave my life and my stuff and find a way to give myself actively and completely to making a change in the world. I know I have a hard battle ahead of me, and a lot of enemies and allies to confront. One of the greatest enemies is my own nature, not only my comfort-loving and sentimental soft self, but also my harsh judgmental nature. It’s not going to be easy, but I have to do something toward turning this battlefield into arable land. I know I have a lot of hard rows to hoe, but I always have, so I guess it’s just time to rotate the crops.
I spent 30 years living a bad balance. Between giving so much of myself to others that it hurt me, and being desperately selfish (and that hurt me sometimes too) - both without consciousness. I was just surviving and trying to be myself. Then I spent the last 10 years being both consciously self-serving and consciously generous and helpful and that has been good in many ways, and I’m grateful that I was able to give myself and others that gift, but it’s just not enough to keep the dragons sleeping. Maybe now they need to be awakened and fed and used for heat and flight and firepower. I just know for sure that I can’t go on this way anymore, and this seems to be the only reasonable answer. I’ve been so angry and hurt over all the wrong I see around me, all the beautiful things that are being destroyed, all the greed and selfishness in our CorporateGovernmentChurch and in the people who support it, all the innocent people being hurt by fear and greed and ignorance. I know there is more that I can give and do and I can’t live with myself or anyone else anymore if I don’t do it.
Starting tomorrow, I will begin giving away my material possessions and I hope to be rid of 90% of it by the new year. Starting Monday, I will find more ways to give of myself freely to whomever needs me - probably starting at our local domestic abuse shelter, Steps to Hope. There are other places I want to focus my energy and attentions as well, and I will begin researching and brainstorming ways to make that happen. I have so much in me, there are so many things I can do and give, and I honestly feel that wasting it on myself and others who already have so much is wrong. I need to be inspiring those people to do more too. And if my genetics hold true to their ‘map‘, I may not have more than another decade or two on this planet, and I’ll be damned if I live it out feeling like I do now.

“Sick of the waiting and praying and hoping
Sick of the cold whispered dreams and not knowing
Sick of the strength that it takes to keep going
Sick as I'm losing this fight and it's showing
Sick of the fear and sick of the cold
Sick 'cause it's worse for the weak and the old
With two broken legs I'm climbing this hill
Sick of deciding who gets what in my will
Sick 'cause I'm stuck on the wrong side of town
And sick 'cause I'm pulling but still sinking down
And sick 'cause I can't turn this whole thing around
And sick 'cause I'm too weak to hunt somebody down
Sick 'cause this hammering litany of sins
Is banging and burning I can't stand the din
Sick 'cause the darkness keeps seeping on in
Sick to be leaving my family and friends
Unforgivable but true
I'm alone without you.”

- “Alone Without You”, the Night Watchman

if you believe in it, please pray for me. if you don’t, then help me or find a way to help others. actually, that would beat prayers hands down, no matter what you believe, but I do think prayers and positive thoughts help too. I won’t say no to any kindness or support, because I’m sure I’m going to need it.
much love,
-s

I wrote this in my new journal on my birthday:

Wish

every word a poem,
every letter as beautiful as a star,
to dance unfettered
and evaporate when no one is looking,
soak every bruise,
sate every hunger,
be the cool fingertips on every burning brow,
a kiss goodnight,
a superhero,
a helping hand,
each color,
each flavor,
enveloping white light.

No surprise that the swing has swung back to Apocalyptica. It’s my basic default setting really. It would be pretty easy to blame the upcoming 40th b’day for part of this stress, and maybe in some ways, deep down, it is. But I’ve done the ‘how-do-i-feel-about-this’ self check: stared in the mirror, considered it for hours – where I’ve been, what I’ve done, possible regrets and the realistic future, and overall, I feel pretty good about where I am at this age, especially with all considered. This is more like the cyclical depression that seems to be as much a part of my daily ups and downs as my blood sugar level. Part of it is environmental. I have been reading some depressing news, and once the world gets it’s foot in my emotional door, I can’t seem to keep it from just coming right on in. China’s water problems, the general malaise of western youth, the social isolation problems in Japan, the ‘random’ horrible violence everywhere, the list is endless… every country, every individual needs something, some help, some strength, some forgiveness, some love, some money, some clean air…
I’ve distanced myself from some perceived responsibilities lately – I don’t want to be near my phone, and that makes work stuff harder. Thank god for email. I think part of that is connected to my birthday. Rewind a few blogs back to how connecting to my past affects me. Half of me wishes people would call, half of me feels guilt, regret and sorrow over who I haven’t called, who won’t call, who can’t call, or the fact that I really don’t care about any of it as much as I should. Even the responsibility stuff. In a way, I wonder if I am rebelling against having to be responsible at all. Duh. Of course that’s part of it. How kind of all of you not to say anything. I also feel bad about recent social inelegances. I try to be good and also be myself, but sometimes I’m just not able to balance all the elements. I’m so hard on myself when I commit these transgressions and they increase my fear of social interaction for a time. I owe apologies to people and that makes me feel like dying, or like never leaving the house again. It’s not that I have to apologize, that is easy and I wish that it was all it took to make it better, because I can freely offer sincere apologies when I’ve done wrong. The hard part is knowing that I did something worth apologizing for and living with that. The transgressions don’t dissolve once I’ve admitted my wrong and asked forgiveness. I’m never even sure if people really understand that that’s what we’re all saying when we say ‘I’m sorry’. I just know that my guilt and self-loathing never leave once I’ve !@#$ed up and it stacks up. By now, with 40 years of grand, loud, ridiculous and often hurtful transgressions under my belt, the load of shame and guilt has gotten pretty weighty. I feel as bad about the items I stole from the grocery store when I was 5 as I do about the faux pas I committed last week, and everything in between. I am grateful for the friends who don’t remind me of the trespasses I’ve made in the past, little, big and hugely awful, but I know that I never forget them, and I assume that they don’t.
A big part of it is also this entirely selfish whim (which I am scheduled to feel at least a little bit bad about later, I’m sure) that overcomes me every year near my birthday (not to mention at least once or twice a week in the in between times) to allow myself to revel in self-serving decadence by NOT answering my phone and blowing off my million responsibilities* and making up for all the bad birthdays and all the bad weeks in between for years and years - a double decades’ worth, at least. This year, being a hallmark, I am allowing myself extra slack, and I am prepared to deal with the fallout from it, come what may. I have committed to three big responsibilities that I cannot avoid, and I will not fail in those endeavors, but everything else can go hang. Phlbt.
So that’s where I am now. Muddling. Hoping. Skating. Juggling. Hating. Moping. Skwooching. Coping. There are definitely worse places to be.
-s

*to some extent. I have to say that even at my worst, like when lu was dying, I still manage to take care of some things. Sometimes that’s all that keeps me going.