wow.

i've said a lot of stuff here, but rarely a simple wow. i've earned one now though.

Mark was my only actual high school boyfriend. I had crushes and ridiculously chaste flings (read: slightly more intense crushes) but Mark and I were officially, publicly a couple. I wore his class ring. My dad let us GO OUT together*. He's funny and smart and he knows something about girls, and we had some good friends and so we had some fun times. He was patient and nice, as I remember (although very sharp-witted and sarcastic as HELL - which also suited me fine, as y'all well know) but he was older and ready to try to grow up, and I was not ... still AM not. So, there were bumps in the road, and as soon as we slowed down, I threw open the metaphorical car door and leaped out at the crossroads (as is per usual pour moi!).
I still haven't learned how to handle endings well.

Luckily Mark was more grown up than me, because after a few scenes that would cause other people to get restraining orders against each other - and a few years, he looked me up and offered a peace treaty. Our personal NATO of friends/exes/family were also still in the picture, so things were fairly delicate, and so despite the peace-making, we really never had a chance to become friends again.

I think I remember the last time I saw him. That was many years ago, close to 20 (!!!), another strange moment in a strange life.
I've thought about him and our friends many times over the years, and just a day or two ago, I opened the guest book on my page, and there was this unexpected but very welcome hello:

"Sam,
I always knew you had a special gift. While working out of town I heard one of our team members mention Sam's Day Off. My mind started to work overtime thinking and it is true. I hope to hear from you soon.
Mark"

Didn't I tell you he knew something about girls? :) Starting with a compliment like that is guaranteed to make even a leo woman that is ME think kind thoughts about someone. :) But then to also let me know that a stranger somewhere was talking about my page?!?! THEN be kind and/or brave enough to say hi after all these years because he thought, when he heard that, "I wonder if that could be Sam?!" I feel almost famous!!! Thanks Mark. :)


I've probably said this before here, maybe even last post, who the hell knows anymore? ;) I like the convenience of the internet for work, but I don't trust it. If it fails, your work will suffer. BUT I love the communication ability. It's amazing. I've moved a lot. I've been to a lot of schools and known a lot of people. I've had a bizarre life slam full of bizarre (and mostly wonderful) people, and yet I have a tendency to reset to lone wolf, if allowed. As long as I've been surfing and graffitizing** the web, I've only ever searched for two or three people. An artist from MS that I admire named Brian LeBlanc and my mother are the only ones I remember. In a way I feel that I should not bother people with whom I share a slice of the past. I assume that if they want to talk to me they will, if they do, I try not to miss them, yet do not dishonor them by forgetting them. If they contact me, then I always write back.
Sometimes this turns into friendship. (I even have one single true internet friend whom I have never met. Hi James!) Sometimes we talk a few times and then both get busy with actual (as opposed to virtual) life and lose track. However it happens, I assume it is meant to be and add it's data to the experiment. :)
Just recently, the 3Sisters of the Web returned to me another couple of friends who I assumed I would never see again. Last year, I regained two of the sweetest people I've ever known, and a college friend who is still a part of me. In fact, a few of those have found me over the years. It's why I check my email almost every day. I've only had two bad internet re-connection incidents, and one was with my mother, and the other was a stepmother. Go fig. :)

The love I need, I collect in bits and pieces.
The world around me shifts, ebbs, and flows.
I must remember:
I cannot struggle against the shape of life,
I must give in to it and become a part of it,
Let it carry me, never let me fall.
I must trust my nature,
Know that I am ready for whatever is next
Without having to be conscious of it,
And give all of myself to this life.


Wow. Thank you.
-s



*Dad made us double-date forever. On our first - doubles "tennis" date at NATO HQ - I had to be in by 7 pm! Best date: Stray Cats at the Biloxi Coliseum. Thank you AGAIN, Mark! :)
**the automatic spelling correction for this word is "graffiti zing".