Lucky for you (as t. says: "the three people* who read my blog...") I decided to scrap the dangerously depressed/depressing blog I've been trying to write for the last 3 months and just go on from minute zero.
So. I'm sitting at my desk – duh. it's freakishly warm spring weather and I've just come in from planting bulbs and some forsythia that Chris' dad fostered. I admit it, it's still very hard to be outside alone, in any weather, but warm and beautiful hurts the worst. Not because I'm alone – there's no fear... there's just such an enormous hole where she used to be, everywhere I look. [insert previously scrapped blog attempt here]. I guess it is because I am alone.
Chris and I went out this morning, to shop, coffee and visit. He is – we both are – surprisingly perky for two people who have just suddenly lost their jobs.
He showed up on Tuesday and was told not to clock in because the business would be closed by Thursday. I got an email 2(?) days later saying that the funding for the project had been cut – due to a bureaucratic error!!! - and to cease work immediately.
In his case, he's perky because that part time job was almost more trouble than it was worth, because his own work is getting to be more and more frequent (hooray!)**, and I'm not sure why I'm perky(er. BESIDES the warm, beautiful day after so much cold drizzly raininess). Possibly because Chris and Bill (my boss/the Senior Research Scientist for the project) both assure me that we'll be back online SOMEhow within a week or two... possibly because I realized (after hours of panicked crying) that I care enough about the project to continue to volunteer as much as I can to keep the work going... possibly because I have plenty to do helping Chris with the play (I'm designing, helping with props, sets, costumes, doing the poster, helping with whatever else and rehearsing)... possibly because I've been feeling so guilty about not only not carrying my own weight, but being a drag, as well... and very probably because I finally saw a physician who made me feel comfortable and gave me some hope (Thank you Angie. I am DOING what she told me!), which will ultimately affect all my other work positively (commissions, my delivery route, 'girl friday' stuff -house/pet/kid-sitting- etc.)
Chris just called, he's pretty sure he got it. 'Turns out the owner is an old-school film/video producer himself. Well, well, well... We even joked about how his whole resume was about videography, with nothing about barrista experience except how much he loves coffee and is interested in it's preparation. :) Poor Chris, stuck in that cool mid-main street space, sharing the block with a great toystore, bookstore, cigar store, gallery and museum. daaaaamn. Oh, I almost forgot about the hot Russian and Italian barrista girls who also work there. Poor, poor Chris! ;)
Hendo is a good town, I've gotten to know it intimately since I started working there. If my job does get back online, I can ride in with him in the a.m., catch up on my work, meet him just in time to get home for a late lunch then on with the rest of the day. Carpooling, hooray!
As soon as he gets home, a little more yard work, then knuckling down to lay out the poster design. I've got a hot date with the Master of Photo-Shop-Fu tomorrow, so this will actually be easy-peasy. I've already roughed it out, so tonight I just have to lay down the line, ink it, erase it and write notes for Stewart, then we'll sit together tomorrow and turn it into Marquee Magic.
The minutes before zero**** haven't gone away, and I feel like I've said enough to enough people immediately (physically) close to me to let them know where and when the danger lies. The rest is all me. I just have to move forth, if for no other reason than I can't (am not able/am not allowed) to be a burden. It's either all or nothing. I can't worry about job or next paycheck, because for now, I have no other option but to wait and see what happens. Chris has not skipped a beat, but he still can't do it alone. I have enough work apart from the UNCH stuff that I can at least pitch in on important things like the big bills. I have to hope that this one-time gift of good medical care can make a significant difference in my ability to cope with my physical issues. The doc. also assured me that I am on the right track as far as the things I have been trying to do for myself, diet/exercise/supplement-wise. I can't worry about the past, but having to deal with the dug-up forensics of it is never easy, and now less than ever. I think I may just keep on writing that scrapped blog, just to get it out, just for my own sanity, or in case anybody ever needs to know what really happened.
I can hear the phrase "Just keep your head down and stick to your work." ringing in my ears, but like a distant echo. I don't know where it comes from, but it seems to work, along with being social, singing and sunshine. Emotional viagara, I guess.
I'll try to keep it up.
Here,
-Sam
*holla!
**Right now, he is off on some business for the play*** and also to interview for a swanky part time barrista position (his dream 'real job' of late) at our fave Hendo coffee/art/hang out.
***He's getting paid to direct his first play – the Fantasticks – for TLT, too.
****it's not even funny that these would be measured in negative numbers...
p.s. I also saw Bladerunner - the Final Cut - on the big screen in a beautiful old theatre twice this week - once, courtesy of the theater. Then free coffee, mexican chocolate torte and lunar eclipse with Asheville friends for afters. We used the free tix as an excuse to take Stewart to see it the next day. Now THAT'S therapy.
