Something strange has begun to dawn on me…
Despite everything (the fact that I am 1,000 years old, that I am 4 pounds shy of the heaviest I ever been in my life, that I am funny looking, I dress like a cross between a Laurel dyke(only the Mississippi peeps - and Stewart - will get this one), Oscar Wilde and a bag lady, I HATE to !@#$ shave, my house looks like a wizards’ hovel, my gramma’s house and a bookstore/art shop exploded, and I can be a really annoying and dumb person sometimes… for starters) – I am a “Hot Girl.”
How is this possible? How did this happen? How have I not really known this all along? And why I am I having such a hard time believing it?
Well, I guess the answers to all of these questions are fairly obvious. It’s possible because the world is a very strange place, and I know that and move through it (usually) bravely and with curiosity and some insight. How did this happen? Genetics, for a beginning – my parents and grandparents were all desirable, interesting people, my siblings and cousins are an odd but mesmerizing mixed bunch of sirens. My strange life and my attitude, intellect and talent added to the Circumstances of My Birth (god, I am SUCH a belle!) make a heady bouquet. My life pressed on me VERY hard growing up, and instead of breaking me, it made me unbelievably strong, gave me lots of stories to tell, and made me fairly universally empathic. Those are attractive – as well as sometimes frightening – qualities. (Well, they turn ME on… : )
How have I not known this all along? Because I’m human, and weak in places, just like everybody else. Because I live in America and beauty is SO subjective. Because I’m cynical about desire and love and sex. Because I have always had a hard time believing good things about myself, or that the good things outweigh the bad*.
And why the disbelief? See: all of the above.
Perhaps most importantly, why am I thinking/talking about this now? Because someone truly fabulous called me a Hot Girl last night. I’ve been called nice things before (by some pretty damned fabulous people, too), and hopefully will be again. I’ve been courted, pursued, stalked, admired, feted, loved, lusted after, celebrated, treated with respect, the subject of songs and poems and art… and it ALWAYS surprises me. Every time. ok. almost always. Sometimes extra especially. And a lot of times, it’s been the opposite. One boy that I lusted after told me that it could never happen because he only likes “anorexic chicks”**. One boy, THE boy, my then-and-still One True Love, told me that he was only attracted to me when he was close to me (perhaps nekkid, in the dark? Punkass.) and that memory will never leave me***. And lots of boys overlook me because I’m fat, or whatever, even some that I wish were better people than that – but I do understand. You want what you want. I am just as “guilty” of this as anyone. I just don’t think you should tell someone these things AFTER you’ve … taken physical advantage of their desire and admiration.
Despite those times, those people and those comments, it has been the good things that people have said and done that have helped to build my confidence. It’s the bad things (the ones that have been said to me and the ones I see in the mirror vs. magazine covers) that make me doubt, but it’s the confidence that makes me a Hot Girl. Maybe the doubt is the only thing that curbs my arrogance and perhaps that adds to the overall effect, too…
The one thing that people say to me again and again when courting or complimenting is that it’s the way I “carry myself”. Will (Justin) Martin told me in college that he wanted to meet me because when I walked across campus, it looked as if my “feet didn’t even touch the ground”. Moo. I think it’s that I love myself, and I love life. And that shows.
What physical beauty I do have will fade – is fading. I have been feeling pretty… faded since I hit 35. I’ve had a lot of sad, funny, cynical thoughts about love and sex and romance in the past several months, and I’m sure that they will come again – with a vengeance. I had decided to give it up, just be asexual (yeah, me and Morrissey) and try hard not to care, and to learn some more about myself and the world. And all of this was affecting my attitude in a bad way. It’s just not me.
The ‘someone fabulous’ who made this nice comment last night is a bloke that I’ve long desired and admired. He is an especially beautiful person, inside and out, but someone that I would never have a chance of dating, due to life on earth being like it is… But despite life on earth being like it is (or maybe because of it) we’ve become very close friends – maybe even close enough to do away with some “despites” for a bit. Who knows? But something about the time and place, the mood and conversation when he made this comment (one of many nice things he’s said to me over the years), and I guess the particularly piquante blend of this gentleman’s OWN hotness really hit me. I thought “Wow. I’m a Hot Girl. Still. Wow.”
I honestly wish that everyone had this feeling. SO many of my friends do, and it is such a joy to celebrate it with them. I never really thought “Does K__ (or M__, or B__, or A__, etc.) doubt his or her attractiveness? Are they even really AWARE of how beautiful, sensual, delightful, amazing and attractive they are?”
I’ve always thought that it was one of my jobs in the Universe to try to let these people know. And it’s nice to realize that I believe that my opinion on this subject really matters.
So does yours, “X?”, and all of the rest of you who go out of your way to make myself and others feel good about ourselves.
Thank you, bless you.
AND ROCK YOUR OWN HOTNESS, PEEPS!
xo
-s
*THIS, however, I have been working on for a LONG time, and continue to do so, everyday. I’ve made a lot of progress…
**or MAYBE he was ticked off because I turned him down the very first time he tried to put the make on me because I was SIXTEEN and COMPLETELY clueless… sheesh.
***there’s times when I think that maybe alzheimer’s wouldn’t be SO bad…
Friday, October 17, 2003
Thursday, October 16, 2003
Well, New Orleans is still standing, and so are Lisa and I*, woo-hoo!
Needless to say, we had an Official blast. Despite the seeming rush of it all, we didn’t push ourselves too hard, and yet we still managed to do everything on the agenda PLUS some…
Lisa got to my house before I’d even gotten home from work. We chilled and she kept me company while I packed and did last minute things. Stewart came and picked up Luna** and visited a while, and then Lisa and I retired for the evening.
We left five minutes BEFORE our planned departure time, picked up some bad breakfast and hit the road. We’d both brought lotsa road tunes, and we talked and sang and laughed and joked about ‘rud wuhkas*** and the miles sped by.
We got to Fat City around 7, and no one was at Jennifer’s crib, so we went to the Winn Dixie down the skreet to use the potty. (The security guard - who had an ENORMOUS thong hanging from his rearview mirror… well, it might have been a thong. It COULD have been a !@#$ parachute harness. Jeezis! - made me go back outside and put on shoes.
Can you believe it? What is the South coming to?!)
When we got back to Casa de Jennifer (and hot black guy with 3-5 kids –it’s a shotgun duplex… so, a “double barrel”, I guess. Hur!) they still weren’t there, so I leaned against the fence and munched on devil’s food cookies and waited. When the car came down the street, I saw a girl in the passenger seat and even though I’d never met Jennifer, I knew it was them, because her eyes got bright when she saw me. I stood up and followed the car as they were parking, and looked in the windows. Tedd thought I was a crack head bag lady. Go fig. But at least he was surprised. Boy was he. He seemed stunned for about an hour. But then Jennifer brought out the Turbo Dog and the gossip started flying, and the catching us started happening, and it was just like old times. Tedd took Lisa and I to “Bud’s Broiler” (the pic on the left) for some WONDERFUL greasy-@$$ flame-broiled bbq burgers and chili-cheese fries, and we went back to the house and ate on the porch. When we wound down (which took forever – Jennifer actually shoved Tedd out’ the door) we went to sleep and slept like babies.
Next a.m. I sprang up, hit the shower, Lisa was next, and we were outtie in plenty of time to meet Aunt Mary at the Café Du Monde (we sat at this very corner table) for beignets (yes Lisa, pronounced like “Vin, yay!”) and café au lait. It was sweet to sit with Aunt Mary, even though The Topic came up (see Wed. Jan 22 and Thu. May 22 rants), and there was a tiny bit of “Sam, why do you continue to be such a horrible person to your mother?” stuff, but I understand, and I can’t tell them why, because there is enough hurt already. And as I was telling the lovely and extremely smooshable X? last night, the only way that I can love my mother anymore is by accepting the Horrible Mean Lying Bitch tag and letting her keep a good grip on her denial and allowing her family to defend her and think I’m awful. C’est la vie. I think they all know this, deep down, including Josie, and I think they all love me. That just has to be enough, I guess.
We dropped Aunt Mary off at the house, agreeing on a time to meet there for dinner – I’d volunteered to bring Muffalettas and she said she’d make tea (MM! It’s a family talent! : ) and Lisa and I headed off to UNO.
The campus was nice – I’d never seen it. I sat at a picnic table under a pine tree and drew and watched the beautiful, sundry young people go by while Lisa did her thing. By the time she was done, it was lunch time, we were very hungry, and so we headed back to downtown. By this time, Lisa was driving like a local (WOW!) and we found the restaurant – Mother’s, it’s my all-time favorite – we had a debris poboy (debris is the bits of the roast that fall off while it’s cooking), a half-and-half (mixed fried oyster and shrimp, oh my god…) a big bowl of jambalaya, and a big bowl of gumbo. It cost a fortune, but it was well worth it, and despite thinking that we’d have leftovers – we did NOT! : ) OOOO-WEE!
After Mother’s we went on down to the Quarter to shop. Our first stop was at O’Flaherty’s for a ½ pint and then we walked in circles for a moment so I could “get my bearings”****. We hit Royale and some of my faves there – Three Dog Bakery, for Lu-treats, and The Mystic Curio, which is where I bought the pentacle I wear every day, and some antiquey spots. Then we hit a side street for Esoterica and some cute girlie-boing-boing shops (one where I saw a shirt that said “W.W.J.J.D.? – What Would Joan Jett Do?” EE!). Then we stopped and bought muffs for dinner (“Save a Dago, Eat a Muff!”) and headed over to the French Market
for some SERIOUS souvenir shopping…
After that, we headed back into the quarter, where I bought myself a beee-yootiful antique cotton Hawaiian shirt, and found a pretty boy a pretty piece of jewelry. By the time we were broke, it was just about time to get over to Aunt Mary and Uncle Eddie’s for dinner.
Lisa got there with no trouble at all, and Mary and Eddie were leaning on the fence, chatting with a neighbor and waiting for us. It was so good to see their faces, to feel HOME. We ate and talked and had some DURN good iced tea, and after dinner, Aunt Mary pulled out some family photos. It was so sweet, I honestly hated to leave, but it was getting late, and we had one more date.
With the very best kinds of hugs and kisses still lingering on my skin, we drove back to Jennifer’s place (once more, may I commend Lisa’s amazing driving and navigational skills!) and upon arrival we were treated to a very festive sight.
Miss Jennifer, who is truly super-model stunning (as well as a !@#$ BRILLIANT lawyer) was out on her porch painting her door in a see-through coverall with some VERY fancy red lace Victoria’s Secret style lingerie on. I am sure that the neighbors were pleased. Let me add here that this lady welcomed us (complete STRANGErs) into her home, served us Turbo Dog, and generally just made us feel like family. Before the visit was over, I felt like I’d adopted another sister – especially when she said “Tedd, if I find Sam a job, can I keep her?” (And also, let me add, “YAY, TEDD!!! You get all that girl AND the !@#$ leather mini pirate costume, etc. WOO!!!”)
Before long, Albatross (xoxoxoxox!) and Tedd showed up, and we all primped and headed out to the Quarter. Before we’d even gotten very far into our Evil Frozen Drinks, Styb’s (aka Albatross) wonderful Lady Donna and Tedd’s WAY-smokin’ co-worker Spencer had arrived, and the Bourbon Street Crawl (Lite) got under way. The boys and girls all had a beer or two, Lisa and I were drinking 190 Antifreeze – served to us by one of the most charming, handsome, almost shy, sweet gentlemen I have ever had the good fortune to make a fool of myself in front of, John Paul. (HI, JOHN PAUL! If you go to Bourbon St., stop in at the Mango Mango and say Hi to John Paul for me. Tell him I said he has beautiful eyes. : ) I bought a good cigar, we caught some beads, I met a VERY cheesy, cute vampire dude, and we strolled and laughed and made dumb injokes and told dirt on each other until I felt like I was home again.
When the drink – not to mention the age and responsibility factor – kicked in, we all (except for Spencer, moo!) went to the Café Du Monde for more old-school talk, discussion of European Union Law (I’m telling y’all, this Jennifer is one unbelievably awesome lady) and last goodbyes.
Then Tedd took us home, and before long (but after the Pirate Costume modeling and Live Nude Girls show) we were buzzing about the day like slumber party teens and fighting sleep.
We lost, but we slept well, and were ready for the trip back home after a really nice breakfast gleaned from La Boulangerie and the nice little coffee shop next door. There was more girl talk – we’d convinced Jennifer to come with – and much reluctance to leave. Moo.
The trip home was nice, tired and sleepy. Road Warrior extraordinaire Lisa put in her tunes and let me read and nap. Towards evening, we worked on faire stuff, and we were home by 10:30. Lisa drove on, Stewart brought Lu-girl home, and I was very happy to see my dof and my bed – despite the fact that I really hadn’t wanted to leave.
Thank you, Lisa. Thank you Stewart. Thank you Jennifer, Teddy, Albatross, Donna, Spencer. Thank you, Aunt Mary, Uncle Eddie, John Paul, Lisa’s cute doctor, those two precious guys at the Second Skin, that sweet boy who sold me my lovely necklace…
Thank you to the guy in O’Flaherty’s and to all the people who helped make this one special day.
I needed it.
MUCH love,
-Miss Sambolina Magda-Pie
*Well, actually right now, I’m obviously sitting, but you get my point. Sheesh.
**Not to embarrass him, but he is SUCH a good “uncle” to her. It is SO hard to leave that girl when I go away, and yet, I never worry, and she is always happy and excited to go with him. AND she always returns with extra rawhide treats. ‘Spoilin’ my dog… yay! Thanksx573,000,000, ‘rats.
***write me at amusesam@yahoo.com if you don’t know what I am saying here, and I will explain.
****scope a hot dude.
Needless to say, we had an Official blast. Despite the seeming rush of it all, we didn’t push ourselves too hard, and yet we still managed to do everything on the agenda PLUS some…
Lisa got to my house before I’d even gotten home from work. We chilled and she kept me company while I packed and did last minute things. Stewart came and picked up Luna** and visited a while, and then Lisa and I retired for the evening.
We left five minutes BEFORE our planned departure time, picked up some bad breakfast and hit the road. We’d both brought lotsa road tunes, and we talked and sang and laughed and joked about ‘rud wuhkas*** and the miles sped by.
We got to Fat City around 7, and no one was at Jennifer’s crib, so we went to the Winn Dixie down the skreet to use the potty. (The security guard - who had an ENORMOUS thong hanging from his rearview mirror… well, it might have been a thong. It COULD have been a !@#$ parachute harness. Jeezis! - made me go back outside and put on shoes.
Can you believe it? What is the South coming to?!)
When we got back to Casa de Jennifer (and hot black guy with 3-5 kids –it’s a shotgun duplex… so, a “double barrel”, I guess. Hur!) they still weren’t there, so I leaned against the fence and munched on devil’s food cookies and waited. When the car came down the street, I saw a girl in the passenger seat and even though I’d never met Jennifer, I knew it was them, because her eyes got bright when she saw me. I stood up and followed the car as they were parking, and looked in the windows. Tedd thought I was a crack head bag lady. Go fig. But at least he was surprised. Boy was he. He seemed stunned for about an hour. But then Jennifer brought out the Turbo Dog and the gossip started flying, and the catching us started happening, and it was just like old times. Tedd took Lisa and I to “Bud’s Broiler” (the pic on the left) for some WONDERFUL greasy-@$$ flame-broiled bbq burgers and chili-cheese fries, and we went back to the house and ate on the porch. When we wound down (which took forever – Jennifer actually shoved Tedd out’ the door) we went to sleep and slept like babies.
Next a.m. I sprang up, hit the shower, Lisa was next, and we were outtie in plenty of time to meet Aunt Mary at the Café Du Monde (we sat at this very corner table) for beignets (yes Lisa, pronounced like “Vin, yay!”) and café au lait. It was sweet to sit with Aunt Mary, even though The Topic came up (see Wed. Jan 22 and Thu. May 22 rants), and there was a tiny bit of “Sam, why do you continue to be such a horrible person to your mother?” stuff, but I understand, and I can’t tell them why, because there is enough hurt already. And as I was telling the lovely and extremely smooshable X? last night, the only way that I can love my mother anymore is by accepting the Horrible Mean Lying Bitch tag and letting her keep a good grip on her denial and allowing her family to defend her and think I’m awful. C’est la vie. I think they all know this, deep down, including Josie, and I think they all love me. That just has to be enough, I guess.
We dropped Aunt Mary off at the house, agreeing on a time to meet there for dinner – I’d volunteered to bring Muffalettas and she said she’d make tea (MM! It’s a family talent! : ) and Lisa and I headed off to UNO.
The campus was nice – I’d never seen it. I sat at a picnic table under a pine tree and drew and watched the beautiful, sundry young people go by while Lisa did her thing. By the time she was done, it was lunch time, we were very hungry, and so we headed back to downtown. By this time, Lisa was driving like a local (WOW!) and we found the restaurant – Mother’s, it’s my all-time favorite – we had a debris poboy (debris is the bits of the roast that fall off while it’s cooking), a half-and-half (mixed fried oyster and shrimp, oh my god…) a big bowl of jambalaya, and a big bowl of gumbo. It cost a fortune, but it was well worth it, and despite thinking that we’d have leftovers – we did NOT! : ) OOOO-WEE!
After Mother’s we went on down to the Quarter to shop. Our first stop was at O’Flaherty’s for a ½ pint and then we walked in circles for a moment so I could “get my bearings”****. We hit Royale and some of my faves there – Three Dog Bakery, for Lu-treats, and The Mystic Curio, which is where I bought the pentacle I wear every day, and some antiquey spots. Then we hit a side street for Esoterica and some cute girlie-boing-boing shops (one where I saw a shirt that said “W.W.J.J.D.? – What Would Joan Jett Do?” EE!). Then we stopped and bought muffs for dinner (“Save a Dago, Eat a Muff!”) and headed over to the French Market
for some SERIOUS souvenir shopping…
After that, we headed back into the quarter, where I bought myself a beee-yootiful antique cotton Hawaiian shirt, and found a pretty boy a pretty piece of jewelry. By the time we were broke, it was just about time to get over to Aunt Mary and Uncle Eddie’s for dinner.
Lisa got there with no trouble at all, and Mary and Eddie were leaning on the fence, chatting with a neighbor and waiting for us. It was so good to see their faces, to feel HOME. We ate and talked and had some DURN good iced tea, and after dinner, Aunt Mary pulled out some family photos. It was so sweet, I honestly hated to leave, but it was getting late, and we had one more date.
With the very best kinds of hugs and kisses still lingering on my skin, we drove back to Jennifer’s place (once more, may I commend Lisa’s amazing driving and navigational skills!) and upon arrival we were treated to a very festive sight.
Miss Jennifer, who is truly super-model stunning (as well as a !@#$ BRILLIANT lawyer) was out on her porch painting her door in a see-through coverall with some VERY fancy red lace Victoria’s Secret style lingerie on. I am sure that the neighbors were pleased. Let me add here that this lady welcomed us (complete STRANGErs) into her home, served us Turbo Dog, and generally just made us feel like family. Before the visit was over, I felt like I’d adopted another sister – especially when she said “Tedd, if I find Sam a job, can I keep her?” (And also, let me add, “YAY, TEDD!!! You get all that girl AND the !@#$ leather mini pirate costume, etc. WOO!!!”)
Before long, Albatross (xoxoxoxox!) and Tedd showed up, and we all primped and headed out to the Quarter. Before we’d even gotten very far into our Evil Frozen Drinks, Styb’s (aka Albatross) wonderful Lady Donna and Tedd’s WAY-smokin’ co-worker Spencer had arrived, and the Bourbon Street Crawl (Lite) got under way. The boys and girls all had a beer or two, Lisa and I were drinking 190 Antifreeze – served to us by one of the most charming, handsome, almost shy, sweet gentlemen I have ever had the good fortune to make a fool of myself in front of, John Paul. (HI, JOHN PAUL! If you go to Bourbon St., stop in at the Mango Mango and say Hi to John Paul for me. Tell him I said he has beautiful eyes. : ) I bought a good cigar, we caught some beads, I met a VERY cheesy, cute vampire dude, and we strolled and laughed and made dumb injokes and told dirt on each other until I felt like I was home again.
When the drink – not to mention the age and responsibility factor – kicked in, we all (except for Spencer, moo!) went to the Café Du Monde for more old-school talk, discussion of European Union Law (I’m telling y’all, this Jennifer is one unbelievably awesome lady) and last goodbyes.
Then Tedd took us home, and before long (but after the Pirate Costume modeling and Live Nude Girls show) we were buzzing about the day like slumber party teens and fighting sleep.
We lost, but we slept well, and were ready for the trip back home after a really nice breakfast gleaned from La Boulangerie and the nice little coffee shop next door. There was more girl talk – we’d convinced Jennifer to come with – and much reluctance to leave. Moo.
The trip home was nice, tired and sleepy. Road Warrior extraordinaire Lisa put in her tunes and let me read and nap. Towards evening, we worked on faire stuff, and we were home by 10:30. Lisa drove on, Stewart brought Lu-girl home, and I was very happy to see my dof and my bed – despite the fact that I really hadn’t wanted to leave.
Thank you, Lisa. Thank you Stewart. Thank you Jennifer, Teddy, Albatross, Donna, Spencer. Thank you, Aunt Mary, Uncle Eddie, John Paul, Lisa’s cute doctor, those two precious guys at the Second Skin, that sweet boy who sold me my lovely necklace…
Thank you to the guy in O’Flaherty’s and to all the people who helped make this one special day.
I needed it.
MUCH love,
-Miss Sambolina Magda-Pie
*Well, actually right now, I’m obviously sitting, but you get my point. Sheesh.
**Not to embarrass him, but he is SUCH a good “uncle” to her. It is SO hard to leave that girl when I go away, and yet, I never worry, and she is always happy and excited to go with him. AND she always returns with extra rawhide treats. ‘Spoilin’ my dog… yay! Thanksx573,000,000, ‘rats.
***write me at amusesam@yahoo.com if you don’t know what I am saying here, and I will explain.
****scope a hot dude.
