chris riddle does know how to show a girl a good time...

i once was lost...


Davy and Pete from FOUND magazine and This American Life came to the Grey Eagle last night. A lovely time was had by all, and there was a nice-sized crowd, but still too many Ashevillens missed out on a sweet, simple, silly - even sometimes sad - night with these lovely gents. I felt like I was sitting around in a nice living room at a really, really good party. good beer, good food, good times were had by all.
Boys, I hope you had fun in Asheville and at the shooting range in the 'Contry. We all hope you ALWAYS feel welcome here. Davy, thanks for the shout outs to local spots and for letting me totally crush on you in front of my hubby. I think he crushes on you a little too ;) so he doesn't mind too much ;)* and Pete, I've already given the roller derby girls the heads up regarding your "request" for your return trip, so start stretching now. :D
-s






*jk... though I REALLY think he has the hots for Ira. hmph. geek bitches. ;)

Enlightenment comes slow to my addled brain. But I keep looking for the light. Metaphorically and physically speaking, as much as I love and feel at home in the water, I still instinctively swim toward the light. I can take the pressure and dark of the deep, but I don’t like it. If one of my spirit animals really is some kind of fish, then it’s the kind that struggled to eventually become an amphibian. Maybe my spirit animal is a walking catfish, or a mudskipper or a Coelacanth. J Some water creature with finger bones and a taste for mudbugs.

Some things about my place in the world have begun to dawn on me. I’m finally coming to accept my self-centeredness and come to terms with it, and with how I can still try to be a good, useful person in spite of (or maybe even because of) it. I am beginning to have an idea of the effect I have on others, and though I am somewhat embarrassed about it taking so long for me to do that, I’m still proud that it didn’t take longer. I have some pretty serious decisions to make in the next few months, and I am nervous and uncertain.

Everything scares me. I am as weak as any human. My anger is my Achilles heel. My anger and my fear. TWO things are my Achilles heels, anger, fear, and a ruthless need to be a !@#$ hero. THREE things. The anger and slow-burning (like a coal carried in a cow-horn) need for revenge eat at me far worse than any of the physical disease that comes from being human.

I have managed to be isolated and then continue to isolate myself so much so that it is nearly impossible for me to feel any kind of real trust. I trust myself only, but I am getting older and slower, and even if anyone would care for me, I would not allow it. The more I get to know people, the more useful I become as a human, the lonelier I get. My only human waking life connection comes from the love I feel for others. It is so powerful that it usually manages to override everything else, all of my own grief and selfishness. It’s new to me too, consciously loving something or someone more than myself. Not I hadn’t before – I have always loved my siblings and the children and animals I’ve cared for all of my life, but it was in a broken, stunted and childish way. I suppose it still is, but at least I am conscious now. That in and of itself is a gift. Most of my love before Luna was safe love, none I couldn’t walk away from – and we all know that is something I will do in LESS than a heartbeat to survive – and somehow unattached to the center of me. Luna was worth committing to, or at least my heart/body/conscience felt so. And through her, I began to learn more about loving others and letting others love me.

I feel my own love, the love I have for others. I am as certain of it as I am of anything else within me. I know that I am loved by others, i register it with all my senses save one, the 6th, my soul, I suppose. I still can’t really feel it sometimes, but logic tells me it’s there. Sometimes I really can just tell by the amount of love I feel in return. When elsa* randomly flings herself at me and plants a sudden sticky kiss on my arm or cheek, I feel like my heart will burst into a skittle-like rainbow of sparkly happiness and I will have to sweep multicolored crystals and confetti and little jelly animals off the floor while eating brownies and singing ‘pie samurai’ through the crumbs. Yeah. That must be love, right? I’ve always felt the love of kids and animals. That’s always been a pretty basic give and take. And I, like kids and animals, go into every situation assuming that everyone will like me (well, with me: at least the kids and animals) and that expectation turns out to be true about 99% of the time. What’s with adult humans though? I guess I just don’t get it, and I’m finding out FAR too slowly how bad I am at playing the games.

So, I quit. Officially and in public. I am going to try harder to be like the kids and the animals. I am going to be more myself. I am going to say what I really think and feel. i am going to eat what I want and wear what I want, and try to be my own good and open-minded parent. I am going to sleep when I am tired and eat when I am hungry and try harder not to worry so much about what people are and arent’ saying. I will watch them more closely instead and find the real truths in what is not said and what is done. I am not going to make my inner kid play with anyone she doesn’t want to or question her when she says she feels bad. i will find a way, and I will use the stars in luna’s eyes and the imprint of elsa’s sticky kisses and the lines on the palm of my brothers’ hand as a map.

I feel myself drifting away from the median. I know how worrisome that looks to other people, but there are roads you can‘t see from the highway. I feel sorry for worrying people, but if they paid attention they’d see that i’ve gotten to be o.k. at taking care of myself (thank goodness) that I’m happier and safer out in the ether (not to mention hella more at home!) and that their worry is usually making me have to work TWICE as hard to keep it in line. I have a hard time keeping myself in the same shape all the time, and the effort gets harder as I get older. Conforming has never been easy for me, but I have tried to blend as much as I can, because I like people. I want to be liked and enjoyed and utilized. But I can’t format myself to fit the screens as easily as I once did. I don’t want to anymore. The anti-social butterfly is ready to shuck this chrysalis and move on.

I will not let folks down, at least not the ones who deserve it (based on my opinion only – and how good you are to kids and animals… J) and I am as aware and able – if not moreso – when I am out there/in here whatever. And I will always try to avoid truly embarrassing anyone in public, especially myself, so I really hope this latest selfish declaration/attempt at being happy doesn’t worry, shock, offend, insult or bore anyone who even notices too much.

Thank you for listening.

s

*Age 5, no agenda, unable to lie, a being of pure emotion and pure logic at this age still. Yay. Why can’t more people be like this?