Oh, monkies. I am so tired.
I’ve had a cold for a few days, and I have been in a lot of pain since the first of the year. It’s constant and inescapable. The only time I’m not aware of the pain is when I am asleep. Right now, there’s an ache in my back and in my jaws that is making me sick to my stomach, but all of me hurts. Especially a bad – now constant for several days - headache (probably from the ache in my jaw muscles), my thighs hurt, my arms and shoulders, my neck. It’s horrible. That’s probably the majority of what is making me tired.
I’m trying various things I’ve read about, and taking my prescription, but it’s so hard to keep my spirits up when I feel this way. I think the doctors have basically decided that it is fibromyalgia, and there is no medical treatment or cure for that. I am reading, and trying to stay warm – someone told me that being cold is the worst thing for this condition. !@#$ great.
Sorry.
I’m sure that there are good things to say. I know there are. But my brain is so clouded by this pain and exhaustion that I’m not much good for anything.
For those of you who know how unlike me this is, how hard this is for me, thank you for continuing to see me as my old self. Bouncy, bright, fierce. It has to come back.

I’m going to go home soon and get my house warm and prepare for the workshop tomorrow and fiddle around with my herbal. Maybe watch Monsters Inc. and skwooch my dog. Spend some gentle time trying to unwind the stress factor.

Send me good thoughts, if you have them to spare. I will try my best to pay you back in belief.

Much love,
-s

Sorry folks, I had to write a small addendum to today's rant - not related to the previous post, but in answer to a message left in my guestbook.
'Yes, Andi - and all the other moms (and dads) of all our little girls (and boys, if need be) - Sam WILL kill him if he tries anything.' *
Guaranteed.
I just - not ten minutes ago - had to have a little 'word of prayer' with a local creep who will not quit macking on one of my little Saluda girls. I was immeasurably proud and pleased that she came to me to ask for help, and I managed to make the situation clear to him without crossing any lines or doing anything to risk my professionalism. This time.
(NEXT time, I'll call in Bri-Bro, and we'll hit 'em Boondock Saints stylie! hee! ;)

And I'm glad I made you laugh, too, Andi-mom!
xoxox
-s

*this is one of the very funny threads that runs through 'The Very Secret Diaries' and
'The Very Secret Journals'. see 01/03's Tolkien Rant.

with winter settling back into the world - and my own heart, head and body* - after a few blissful, t-shirt/open-window warm days, today's Writer's Almanac poem seemed almost ironic. it is also my very favorite robert frost poem. i hope i never forget it, because it reminds me of something very important. something dangerous to forget.
another important thing to remember:
the alamo. no, really. a week and a day from today, i will be with my siblings in san antonio.
*******************************************************************

Desert Places

Snow falling and night falling fast, oh, fast
In a field I looked into going past,
And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,
But a few weeds and stubble showing last.

The woods around it have it--it is theirs.
All animals are smothered in their lairs.
I am too absent-spirited to count;
The loneliness includes me unawares.

And lonely as it is that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less--
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
With no _expression, nothing to express.

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces
Between stars--on stars where no human race is.
I have it in me so much nearer home
To scare myself with my own desert places.


******************************
much love and hopefully patience, too.
-s

*my pain has been badbadbad for the last couple of days - since it started getting cold again...