"When we hold each other, in the darkness, it doesn't make the darkness go away. The bad things are still out there. The nightmares are still walking.
When we hold each other, we feel -- not safe, but better. "It's all right," we whisper. "I'm here. I love you." And we lie, "I'll never leave you."
For just a moment or two the darkness doesn't seem so bad. When we hold each other."

from "Hold Me", a short story by Neil Gaiman.

this quote swam up from the text of a comic collection (Midnight Days) last night and shook me hard. One of my library kids - and friend 12-year-old Abe Thomas also sent me a poem - the day that i was to get the results of my MRI - last week, and i thought that the echo was more than a coincidence. abe said i could share his poem here.
he wrote:

"this is a short one that i thought up in like 4 seconds but any way it's not about any one just for fun:
'i need some one to hold someone who wants to be held to somebody like you as long as this is true i will always thy who wants to be held too'
it's okay i think it's not one of my best but who care's don't worry be happy
FROM. HONEST ABE"

we all want to be held when it's dark and things are scary, whether we can admit it or not. we all want someone to hold. puppies, babies, old folks, and even us big tough orc kings and queens. i've saved all my concerned and loving phone messages and e-mails. it's definitely the next-best thing.
i love you all. i wish i had a thousand sam-sweatshirts so i could cut off the sleeves and mail them to you in a package with instructions on how to put the sleeves on your arms and then wrap them around yourself and squeeze, so you could have a hug from me, like someone most dear did for me many many moons ago when i really needed to be held...
as my heatherita says:
"Muchas Skwooches"!
ooxooxooxooxooxoox (extra hugs)
-sambolina-wise

p.s. expect Tales from Sallie and Bryon's Wedding soon!

hello, lovely peeps!
our library is trying to build a new main branch, and they are fundraising like crazy. in order to help out, i did a painting and donated it for a raffle. i am selling tickets and i have made a vow to sell at LEAST 100.
to see this lurvely (I think) piece, go to my amusesam yahoo group http://groups.yahoo.com/ (if you haven't joined yet, enter "amusesam" - without quotes - in the "JOIN" box, and then do whatever it says - an no one gets hurt... :) look at the photo called "Storytime" - click on "full size" to see the details (there are 9 hidden creatures! see if you can spot them all!)
the tickets are 1$ each, or 6 for 5$, and i would LOVE it if one of my friends won this...
i will bring tickets to the next geek out, and leave some with buffy, or call, write, and i will make sure you get tickets!
xoxoxoxo
-sam

i will spare y'all the horror of the ultrasound experience. i will also give y'all a moosh-break. but i feel compelled to give y'all something worth a damned...
so here are some things that means a lot to me:

God's Grandeur

The world is charged with the grandeur of God.
It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;
It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil
Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?
Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;
And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;
And wears man's smudge and shares man's smell: the soil
Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.

And for all this, nature is never spent;
There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;
And though the last lights off the black West went
Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs—
Because the Holy Ghost over the bent
World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.

-Gerard Manley Hopkins


-and, for balance:

the lesson of the moth

i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself

-Don Marquis

much love,
-sam

Well, despite all behavioral evidence to the contrary, my MRI came back perfectly normal. Actually, it showed that I have sinusitis. Someone told me that this is like, a 2,000$ test. I have no idea how much of it my insurance will pay. To tell me that I have sinusitis.
At least it’s not a brain tumor.*
My blood tests also came back normal – with the exception of an elevated white blood cell count, which could be easily related to the sinusitis.
Meanwhile, I am getting weaker every day. Mornings are ok. But by afternoon, I’m shot. And it always seems to get worse after I eat.
So, Dr. Jeff took more blood this morning, testing for some sort of adrenal issues. Blahblahblah. Someone very “kindly” pointed out this morning “he probably just needs a new boat.” Thanks people. This is helping.
NOT.
Everyone else IS helping though. The calls, the e’s… (Dean, man, you are too precious. Mike. Moo.)** the Buffy-Breakfast-Love. You all know that it’s hard for me to be ‘baby’. I’m not good at it, and the connotations are too much for my delicate (but apparently very normal. Ha!) brain to handle. You have all managed to be sweet and thoughtful and sentimental and kind and concerned and just make me feel loved and appreciated and worried about. This means the world to me. I hope y’all all won’t too disappointed & feel like y’all have wasted all this concern and kindness if I turn out to be ok.***
So tomorrow a.m. I have an ultrasound. I am supposed to drink SIXTY-FOUR OUNCES (isn’t that a !@#$ gallon?!) of water at 7 am and hold it until after this is done. (it allegedly BEGINS @ 8:30) HAHAHAHAHA! These people are INSANE! I am going to try, nonetheless, but I tell you, it sounds like an accident waiting to happen…Hurhurhur.
Sorry.
So that’s where I am on that particular map.
On the map of my head – well, the Orc Queen issues are eating me up… but I am not turning my back on them. I am pondering and puzzling it through, like a good little OCD patient. : )
And as for the map of my heart, I am torn between a kind of loneliness and fear that I didn’t even imagine was possible for me, and between amazement at the love and gentle concern my friends are so effusively heaping onto me. It seems impossible that both conditions could exist together, but c’est moi – or perhaps, c’est la vie.
And speaking of friends and effusive love… Today, October 1st, is my favorite day of the year. I usually take the day off from work and do something amazing for myself (I’ve gone on trips to flea-markets, rented rooms for the pool and luxury of it, gone to foreign places – like South Carolina – with Lu, taken long hikes inna woods, I saw my first live Opera by chance on one of my 10/01 adventures once, Madame Butterfly, too…) This year, in all the hubbub, it slipped my mind to take the day off. So I sat at work. I did have a nice lunch cup of coffee (appetite has gone out the window, but I’m still gaining weight. !@#$ lovely…) with a beautiful sweet boy and his even more beautiful sweet dog. I made him laugh. That was nice. And the day’s still not over… Maybe I will go home and take Luna out somewhere nice. : ) But no matter what I do today, I realize that Goddess has given me a permanent October 1st prezzie. Today is the birthday of one of the most beautiful, wonderful people I have ever had the good fortune to con into liking me. I’ve mentioned her and her many good deeds here time and again, but my words and even this photo of her on a Harley (there’s a Harley?) just can’t do justice to this amazing lady.
Buffy, happy birthday! I am so proud to be your friend and a member of your family. Thank you for all that you do, and for just being you. Much love, respect, and admiration. I hope we have years of back-door giggles ahead of us. I’ve been celebrating your birthday all of my life – I just didn’t know why until I met you! :D
And to all of my friends, even the ones I haven’t met yet, I wish you good things on this day. Fall is here, winter is coming, Carpe Diem!

Oh, and before I forget – happy birthday to Selma, too! Hers is today, and her sister Ayla’s is on my second favorite day of the year – May 1st!

Much love – and lots of cups of tea,
-Samwise


*or an HOMUNCULUS!!!!
**My MOTHER even wrote. And her note didn’t send me into terrified hyperventilation or make me want to put my fist through the wall – or even delete it from the page.
hm. i wonder if i should tell the doc about that, too?
***this is at least partially a joke.