i care too much about most of you to force you to read about my clipped-wing angst. so instead, i will take the 'vogon' route and give you poetry. :)
this is dedicated to all of my friends who are brave enough to have and raise children.
Punk Rock Has Borne A Raving Child
My eldest was born with bright pink hair,
Mathilda, who in adolescent angst,
dyed it brown.
Then Hannah and Naomi, the twins came -
both gothic, two little silent blackbirds.
Their eyes, the classic "limpid pools", still
speak in flashes, reflections and depths,
their mouths seldom move but to accomodate
candy and cigarettes.
Last came little Joe Rocket. A perfect,
angelic, blue-eyed blonde babe whose hair
never grew past a mohawk-strip.
He wears it spiked, with rooster-like pride
to chess-club and programming classes.
No one questions his thick black Costello glasses,
plaid shirt, pocket protector, satisfied grin.
When they were sad, it was 'Sex Pistols'
to sing them to sleep;
when they were happy, they only wanted Morrissey.
I could never say no to sugar pops, cartoons,
firecrackers and sex. How could they?
When the world zooms around them, past light speed,
full of bombs and barbed wire and fanciful
sparkling electric death?
When psychic tigers sleep in every Bush,
while real tigers die out by the day,
by the hour.
I and the world do the best we know how -
but even punk-rock can't stop
the speed of evolution.
-sll, 08/26/02-
Saturday, February 15, 2003
Friday, February 14, 2003
well, in the spirit of yesterday's rant, i have decided NOT to express my feelings about this particular holiday, and that is my valentine's day treat to you all.
there IS something worth celebrating today, however... today is stewart's third 39th birthday. happy birthday, stewart!
my back is !@#$ killing me, so i really don't have to gumption to rant today. that alone should tell you that i am feeling pretty bad!
i hope all is well in the (hopefully) chocolate-coated, truffle-filled recesses of all your hearts. i hope this day brings you whatever you expect of it.
i've got rain, pain and money-drain. but hey, it's not snowing, work is paying for my medical bills, and the mechanics dropped the price of my repairs by 200$.
Always look on the bright side of life!
there IS something worth celebrating today, however... today is stewart's third 39th birthday. happy birthday, stewart!
my back is !@#$ killing me, so i really don't have to gumption to rant today. that alone should tell you that i am feeling pretty bad!
i hope all is well in the (hopefully) chocolate-coated, truffle-filled recesses of all your hearts. i hope this day brings you whatever you expect of it.
i've got rain, pain and money-drain. but hey, it's not snowing, work is paying for my medical bills, and the mechanics dropped the price of my repairs by 200$.
Always look on the bright side of life!
Thursday, February 13, 2003
It’s taken 34 years, but I think I’ve finally figured out what “normal” is.
I think “normal” is defined – judged – by society as a whole, as well as in concentrically smaller sub-societies, as one’s ability to squelch one’s true feelings about any given thing; to ignore or hide one’s emotional responses*.
There are clear scales set up within each society by which one is judged. These scales range from very small (wearing odd hats, or liking Gordon Lightfoot), to ‘blasphemous’ or ‘treasonous’ standards.
Though I may not be considered an “average” representative of my own culture, I am certainly more qualified to speak from an American, working class, rural, white, Christian perspective than from any other. With the exception of the ‘white’, I believe this puts me into the majority of the population of this country. I will use my self and these sub-societal classifications to make examples of my point.
American:
I, like all of my friends, am sickeningly disgusted with the current American government and it’s affairs. This is no secret. The entire nation (with the exception of perhaps 10% of it’s VERY wealthy population) seems to be.
However, when I stated my heartfelt opinion about the current state of affairs to a mature, trusted friend on the phone yesterday, he IMMEDIATELY reminded me that I could go to jail for saying what I did.
Despite the fact that this intelligent, educated older man agrees with me precisely on this subject, his own fear of censure and judgment was so great that he felt the need to warn me (aggressively, vehemently, as if I were an ignorant child) that I could be arrested for expressing that opinion, even to a trusted friend in a private phone conversation.
Working class:
I work for a government organization. My job has political ramifications that range in scale from ‘National’ to ‘local fund-raising hob-nob’. I am reminded DAILY of my need to curb my expression and be a model of “normal” – even if it entails lying.
Rural:
In 34 years of life in the American rural and suburban South, I have been beaten, molested, raped, locked up, starved, terrorized, abandoned, and neglected – repeatedly. Speaking from my personal experience, this is absolutely ‘traditional’, and I have been asked, instructed and begged – a countless number of times – to deny, forget, ‘drop’, or just keep silent about everyone of these experiences. Sometimes by friends, sometimes by family members, sometimes by the police. This has happened in every single instance.
White:
I have been censured for even SAYING that I would date a man of another race. One young man of my acquaintance was privately insulted by my father for having the courage to ask him if he could ask me out. An ex-girlfriend of one of my beaux tried to turn him against me by informing him of my multi-racial dating past. This list is sadly endless.
Christian:
My pentacles get many queries. I stumble over myself to give my true but safe rote answer. I am not allowed the same privileges as any other citizen regarding the use of a particular public facility because one of my hobbies (D&D) might be considered “satanic” or “anti-Christian” by some people’s standards. This list, too, is endless.
My easiest example is my new situation, sharing my house with another person.
How many times a day do either of us find something that is disturbing in some way and decide to say nothing, because that equals ‘being a good – normal – housemate’? When this happens, when I bite down on a grievance, I mentally pat myself on the back for being ‘good’, and then grit my teeth and try to find another way around – another way to feel ok about saying nothing, a way to ease my guilt when I find that I HAVE to say something.
How often do couples squelch their true feelings - or teachers to students, parents to children (and vice versa), employees to employers? I think of my friend “Crow-Girl” here, and of how much she fears that people might not like her true self… I think of the names I’ve been called all of my life, how strange my own family has found me at times. “Over-sensitive”, “weird”, “moody”, “high-strung”, “flighty”. I am none of these things. I am just as “normal” as I can bear to be. I hold back and bite down a lot, as much as I can stand to. I think we all do, if we are able, and we suffer break-downs, blow-ups, road-rage, heart-attacks, neuroses, psychoses, depression, high blood pressure, PTSD, anxiety attacks, abuse, addiction, incarceration, etc. – all in the name of “normalcy”.
Read Desmond Morris, folks.
*James, I hate to tell you, but your nation may be vying with Japan for highest on the scale of social evolution, according to my theory.
I think “normal” is defined – judged – by society as a whole, as well as in concentrically smaller sub-societies, as one’s ability to squelch one’s true feelings about any given thing; to ignore or hide one’s emotional responses*.
There are clear scales set up within each society by which one is judged. These scales range from very small (wearing odd hats, or liking Gordon Lightfoot), to ‘blasphemous’ or ‘treasonous’ standards.
Though I may not be considered an “average” representative of my own culture, I am certainly more qualified to speak from an American, working class, rural, white, Christian perspective than from any other. With the exception of the ‘white’, I believe this puts me into the majority of the population of this country. I will use my self and these sub-societal classifications to make examples of my point.
American:
I, like all of my friends, am sickeningly disgusted with the current American government and it’s affairs. This is no secret. The entire nation (with the exception of perhaps 10% of it’s VERY wealthy population) seems to be.
However, when I stated my heartfelt opinion about the current state of affairs to a mature, trusted friend on the phone yesterday, he IMMEDIATELY reminded me that I could go to jail for saying what I did.
Despite the fact that this intelligent, educated older man agrees with me precisely on this subject, his own fear of censure and judgment was so great that he felt the need to warn me (aggressively, vehemently, as if I were an ignorant child) that I could be arrested for expressing that opinion, even to a trusted friend in a private phone conversation.
Working class:
I work for a government organization. My job has political ramifications that range in scale from ‘National’ to ‘local fund-raising hob-nob’. I am reminded DAILY of my need to curb my expression and be a model of “normal” – even if it entails lying.
Rural:
In 34 years of life in the American rural and suburban South, I have been beaten, molested, raped, locked up, starved, terrorized, abandoned, and neglected – repeatedly. Speaking from my personal experience, this is absolutely ‘traditional’, and I have been asked, instructed and begged – a countless number of times – to deny, forget, ‘drop’, or just keep silent about everyone of these experiences. Sometimes by friends, sometimes by family members, sometimes by the police. This has happened in every single instance.
White:
I have been censured for even SAYING that I would date a man of another race. One young man of my acquaintance was privately insulted by my father for having the courage to ask him if he could ask me out. An ex-girlfriend of one of my beaux tried to turn him against me by informing him of my multi-racial dating past. This list is sadly endless.
Christian:
My pentacles get many queries. I stumble over myself to give my true but safe rote answer. I am not allowed the same privileges as any other citizen regarding the use of a particular public facility because one of my hobbies (D&D) might be considered “satanic” or “anti-Christian” by some people’s standards. This list, too, is endless.
My easiest example is my new situation, sharing my house with another person.
How many times a day do either of us find something that is disturbing in some way and decide to say nothing, because that equals ‘being a good – normal – housemate’? When this happens, when I bite down on a grievance, I mentally pat myself on the back for being ‘good’, and then grit my teeth and try to find another way around – another way to feel ok about saying nothing, a way to ease my guilt when I find that I HAVE to say something.
How often do couples squelch their true feelings - or teachers to students, parents to children (and vice versa), employees to employers? I think of my friend “Crow-Girl” here, and of how much she fears that people might not like her true self… I think of the names I’ve been called all of my life, how strange my own family has found me at times. “Over-sensitive”, “weird”, “moody”, “high-strung”, “flighty”. I am none of these things. I am just as “normal” as I can bear to be. I hold back and bite down a lot, as much as I can stand to. I think we all do, if we are able, and we suffer break-downs, blow-ups, road-rage, heart-attacks, neuroses, psychoses, depression, high blood pressure, PTSD, anxiety attacks, abuse, addiction, incarceration, etc. – all in the name of “normalcy”.
Read Desmond Morris, folks.
*James, I hate to tell you, but your nation may be vying with Japan for highest on the scale of social evolution, according to my theory.
Saturday, February 08, 2003
well, lords and ladies, i only have time for the quickest of quickies. i've been working like a madwoman the last few days (and basically EVERYTHING, including sitting and typing makes me hurt. moo.) and all the funstuff has gone by the wayside. poor dear seamus probably thinks i've met the Vin of my dreams and run off to Huludali to stuff myself on plantains, and swim on my back and watch the fruitbats swoop in the glimmering twilight every night*...
oh, sorry, where was i?
so, YAY, days off ahead. i have work to do on those, too, but jen is going away for 24 hours (thanks jen, hey burt and d.! hugses!) so i can be hermity for a while. (us needs our hermititidy, prrrecioussss..). i have artwork to do, and it is time for a new 'day off' and a hottie update. wish me luck.
i also have to see about esme (sick truck) and i have a !@#$ doctors' appt. on tuesday, and possibly a shoot on monday, but otherwise, no plans. oh, and of course my weekly anti-snow dance. which is NOT working by the way. hmph. i think this calls for a sacrifice. :)
to those of you whom i have neglected, please don't give up on me. banda, karly, will, bryan, and of course, mo seamus. "i am not ded." :)
wish me inspiration, happy dog, a comfortable drawing position, sunshine and no uncool phone calls. is that too much to ask?
(no! and neither is the vin/huludali/plantain/swimming/fruitbat thing! c'mon, god! bring it on! :)
blasphemously yrs.,
-magpie
oh, p.s. i got to see 'shanghai knights', y'all! jackie's great, owen's funny, fann is lovely, but ohhhh, that donnie yen! mm mm mm!
go see it, it's worth seven bucks just for donnie and the out-takes!
*i also know that he'd forgive me and love me still if this was the case. ESPECIALLY if this was the case, so that would be ok. i'd definitely SEE him more often! ;)
oh, sorry, where was i?
so, YAY, days off ahead. i have work to do on those, too, but jen is going away for 24 hours (thanks jen, hey burt and d.! hugses!) so i can be hermity for a while. (us needs our hermititidy, prrrecioussss..). i have artwork to do, and it is time for a new 'day off' and a hottie update. wish me luck.
i also have to see about esme (sick truck) and i have a !@#$ doctors' appt. on tuesday, and possibly a shoot on monday, but otherwise, no plans. oh, and of course my weekly anti-snow dance. which is NOT working by the way. hmph. i think this calls for a sacrifice. :)
to those of you whom i have neglected, please don't give up on me. banda, karly, will, bryan, and of course, mo seamus. "i am not ded." :)
wish me inspiration, happy dog, a comfortable drawing position, sunshine and no uncool phone calls. is that too much to ask?
(no! and neither is the vin/huludali/plantain/swimming/fruitbat thing! c'mon, god! bring it on! :)
blasphemously yrs.,
-magpie
oh, p.s. i got to see 'shanghai knights', y'all! jackie's great, owen's funny, fann is lovely, but ohhhh, that donnie yen! mm mm mm!
go see it, it's worth seven bucks just for donnie and the out-takes!
*i also know that he'd forgive me and love me still if this was the case. ESPECIALLY if this was the case, so that would be ok. i'd definitely SEE him more often! ;)
Friday, February 07, 2003
Pardon the proper capitalization, y’all. I’m writing this in word so’s I can post it when I get to work.
So. Snow. I won’t kick (flog, beat, pummel, etc.) the dead horse MUCH more. Sigh. Snow.
I have been thinking a lot about my racial heritage and feelings about the weather. Here’s my current theory (“By Anne Elk. Ahem.”*):
As far as I can figure, I am mostly Irish, Scots, some English maybe, and Native American (Choctaw and Creek). Just from my temperament and personality, I am willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that my Scots-Irish blood descends from the Normans and other Viking peoples who invaded those green isles. During my time in Sweden, I felt VERY much at home on the little isle of Hven**, I picked up the language fairly easily,
and the rune stones and other ancient viking places “spoke to me”, if you get my drift.
As for the Native Americans, I am of the opinion that they were originally Mongol peoples (which, I think, explains a LOT about my Orcish nature, my fascination for things Chinese and love of big furry hats…) who trekked up through Siberia, across Russia and then over the Bering strait into the good old UsofA.
Now. What do these folks all have in common - other than being known as some of the most inventive, efficient, curious, wander(and blood-)lustful, fearsome, adaptable (and not to mention dead-sexy) warriors and invaders that the planet has ever known? Simple. The fact that they all braved terrible hardship, fearsome journeys over land and ice, traveled through stormy sea-monster infested seas, faced the wrath of gods and other scary natives and predators – ALL TO GET SOMEWHERE !@#$ WARM!!!
I think it’s a good theory. I bet those who know me might be inclined to agree.
Stay warm folks – or migrate.
xoxox
*Whoever gets that obscure reference deserves a cookie. Stewart, you don’t count. I KNOW that you know it…
**It’s my favorite so far of all the places I’ve been. I would love to retire there. It was in the Oresund channel, between Landskrona and Copenhagen, which is only about ten miles wide there. I could swim from home to Denmark! :D Also, it rarely snows there, because of the way that the channel is formed. Lovely, lovely Hven.
So. Snow. I won’t kick (flog, beat, pummel, etc.) the dead horse MUCH more. Sigh. Snow.
I have been thinking a lot about my racial heritage and feelings about the weather. Here’s my current theory (“By Anne Elk. Ahem.”*):
As far as I can figure, I am mostly Irish, Scots, some English maybe, and Native American (Choctaw and Creek). Just from my temperament and personality, I am willing to bet dollars to doughnuts that my Scots-Irish blood descends from the Normans and other Viking peoples who invaded those green isles. During my time in Sweden, I felt VERY much at home on the little isle of Hven**, I picked up the language fairly easily,
and the rune stones and other ancient viking places “spoke to me”, if you get my drift.
As for the Native Americans, I am of the opinion that they were originally Mongol peoples (which, I think, explains a LOT about my Orcish nature, my fascination for things Chinese and love of big furry hats…) who trekked up through Siberia, across Russia and then over the Bering strait into the good old UsofA.
Now. What do these folks all have in common - other than being known as some of the most inventive, efficient, curious, wander(and blood-)lustful, fearsome, adaptable (and not to mention dead-sexy) warriors and invaders that the planet has ever known? Simple. The fact that they all braved terrible hardship, fearsome journeys over land and ice, traveled through stormy sea-monster infested seas, faced the wrath of gods and other scary natives and predators – ALL TO GET SOMEWHERE !@#$ WARM!!!
I think it’s a good theory. I bet those who know me might be inclined to agree.
Stay warm folks – or migrate.
xoxox
*Whoever gets that obscure reference deserves a cookie. Stewart, you don’t count. I KNOW that you know it…
**It’s my favorite so far of all the places I’ve been. I would love to retire there. It was in the Oresund channel, between Landskrona and Copenhagen, which is only about ten miles wide there. I could swim from home to Denmark! :D Also, it rarely snows there, because of the way that the channel is formed. Lovely, lovely Hven.
Thursday, February 06, 2003
Wednesday, February 05, 2003
well, true to my usual form, i COMPLETELY forgot to tell my brother "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" yesterday. dangit. and this is a BIG one. 3-0, i do believe. wow. little baby "hneaky hnake"*. i wonder where he was, how he celebrated... i hope it was a good day. i don't know if he reads this - he signed my guestbook, so maybe... let's try a little experiment:
"HEY, JEFF! PICK UP THE !@#$ PHONE AND CALL YOUR SISTER SO I CAN PICK ON YOU ABOUT HOW OLD YOU'RE GETTIN'!"
:D
heh heh... that oughta work.
well, it is beginning to look like i've sprung my back out of whack** in a fairly serious manner. >:[ also, truck is non compost mentos***, so life is like unto a country song right now.
"IIIIII'm hitchin' rides with a thrown-out back,
my brother won't call me, 'cause he's so danged slack,
at least my dog ain't left me - 'still I can't fix my truuuuuuuck,
this is what you call "the famous Lovelace luck."
sheesh... :)
oh well. i have good books**** to read (and some bad ones, too: "Untamed", "Love's Savage Splendor", and "The Tarnished Lady"), and food in the house. and the weather is still pretty. that's something. y'all hang in there, too!
xoxoxoxox
sam
oh, p.s. i got invited to be a mentor for two high school students. does anyone else see the huge irony in this?!?!? :D
*there was tom t. hall song that jeff loved when he was little called "sneaky snake"...
**what in the heck does that mean exactly? is there such a thing as IN whack?
***i think that's latin for "don't throw that candy in the garbage."
****"1000 Dessous", which is a HUGE photo book on the history of lingerie (whee!!!) - expect more pinups! "Fire", one of Anais Nin's journals, and "Portrait of a Killer: Jack the Ripper, Case Closed", in which Patricia Cornwell chronicles her solving of the famous case after 114 years. fanTAStic.
-oh, and here are the great lyrics to "sneaky snake".
"HEY, JEFF! PICK UP THE !@#$ PHONE AND CALL YOUR SISTER SO I CAN PICK ON YOU ABOUT HOW OLD YOU'RE GETTIN'!"
:D
heh heh... that oughta work.
well, it is beginning to look like i've sprung my back out of whack** in a fairly serious manner. >:[ also, truck is non compost mentos***, so life is like unto a country song right now.
"IIIIII'm hitchin' rides with a thrown-out back,
my brother won't call me, 'cause he's so danged slack,
at least my dog ain't left me - 'still I can't fix my truuuuuuuck,
this is what you call "the famous Lovelace luck."
sheesh... :)
oh well. i have good books**** to read (and some bad ones, too: "Untamed", "Love's Savage Splendor", and "The Tarnished Lady"), and food in the house. and the weather is still pretty. that's something. y'all hang in there, too!
xoxoxoxox
sam
oh, p.s. i got invited to be a mentor for two high school students. does anyone else see the huge irony in this?!?!? :D
*there was tom t. hall song that jeff loved when he was little called "sneaky snake"...
**what in the heck does that mean exactly? is there such a thing as IN whack?
***i think that's latin for "don't throw that candy in the garbage."
****"1000 Dessous", which is a HUGE photo book on the history of lingerie (whee!!!) - expect more pinups! "Fire", one of Anais Nin's journals, and "Portrait of a Killer: Jack the Ripper, Case Closed", in which Patricia Cornwell chronicles her solving of the famous case after 114 years. fanTAStic.
-oh, and here are the great lyrics to "sneaky snake".
Tuesday, February 04, 2003
"I AM NOT DED." ...
:) ... just REALLY busy. i got a SICKO-UNBELIVABLE amount of stuff done around the house this weekend, making room for jen to feel more at home. not only have we not killed each other yet, but we are having fun.
on the down side, esme (my truck) seems to be sick, and i think i hurt my back moving @$$-loads of booksale books into this little closet at work. (it's one of those that starts half-way up the wall for some inexplicable reason. after you lug the boxes up into the space, you have to hunch over to move them. i have ALSO banged my !@#$ head on this !@#$ metal-housing corner 57 times. gr.)
despite all t his, spirits still good, as weather has been SPECTACULAR - sunny and warm for three days.
so. this-is-the-state-of-the-sam address in short.
oh, and speaking of that, i'd like to risk my little paranoid monkey head and state publicly here that i too, think that george bush (and his !@#$ *&^% father) are evil idiots. is there ANY way to stop this war? is it too late to call for a recount of the !@#$ vote (again?)
we as americans have failed badly where the bushes are concerned. where are the "hinckleys", "oswalds" and "sirhans" when you NEED them?
sorry. i'm just really scared and worried for all these boys (and girls). especially my adam.
damn.
:) ... just REALLY busy. i got a SICKO-UNBELIVABLE amount of stuff done around the house this weekend, making room for jen to feel more at home. not only have we not killed each other yet, but we are having fun.
on the down side, esme (my truck) seems to be sick, and i think i hurt my back moving @$$-loads of booksale books into this little closet at work. (it's one of those that starts half-way up the wall for some inexplicable reason. after you lug the boxes up into the space, you have to hunch over to move them. i have ALSO banged my !@#$ head on this !@#$ metal-housing corner 57 times. gr.)
despite all t his, spirits still good, as weather has been SPECTACULAR - sunny and warm for three days.
so. this-is-the-state-of-the-sam address in short.
oh, and speaking of that, i'd like to risk my little paranoid monkey head and state publicly here that i too, think that george bush (and his !@#$ *&^% father) are evil idiots. is there ANY way to stop this war? is it too late to call for a recount of the !@#$ vote (again?)
we as americans have failed badly where the bushes are concerned. where are the "hinckleys", "oswalds" and "sirhans" when you NEED them?
sorry. i'm just really scared and worried for all these boys (and girls). especially my adam.
damn.
Saturday, February 01, 2003
well, this day has started off nicely.
jen moved in last night - with an EXTREMELY tolerable amount of stuff (thanks, jen... :) and it was nice to get up and chat with her while she made coffee. my seamus called from manchester and told me that he was having lovely weather*, his pup is doing well too. he told me not to let jen steal any of my food (apparently he had bad roomie experiences in the past) but to video our catfights over it, if she does... hm. jen DOES have a webcam... we could start a little cottage industry... :D JUST KIDDING!**
it's a gorgeous day here, too, the prettiest we've had in weeks. in my not-so-humble opinion, good omens abound for the new arrangement. i think we will send the next week or so arranging and moving stuff so that jen fits in and feels at home, and then hopefully we can introduce gump the wonder weasel into the household. remember, please, if you talk to luna that gump is a CAT, ok? NOT a funny cute smelly little interactive chew toy. this is VERY important.
wish us luck!
*jams, your accent and good spirits are enough to cheer me, even if the weather were shite.
**mostly.
jen moved in last night - with an EXTREMELY tolerable amount of stuff (thanks, jen... :) and it was nice to get up and chat with her while she made coffee. my seamus called from manchester and told me that he was having lovely weather*, his pup is doing well too. he told me not to let jen steal any of my food (apparently he had bad roomie experiences in the past) but to video our catfights over it, if she does... hm. jen DOES have a webcam... we could start a little cottage industry... :D JUST KIDDING!**
it's a gorgeous day here, too, the prettiest we've had in weeks. in my not-so-humble opinion, good omens abound for the new arrangement. i think we will send the next week or so arranging and moving stuff so that jen fits in and feels at home, and then hopefully we can introduce gump the wonder weasel into the household. remember, please, if you talk to luna that gump is a CAT, ok? NOT a funny cute smelly little interactive chew toy. this is VERY important.
wish us luck!
*jams, your accent and good spirits are enough to cheer me, even if the weather were shite.
**mostly.
Friday, January 31, 2003
you know, i spend all this emotional energy longing for vin and/or viggo (i mean, hey, if you're gonna dream, dream big), but i realized today that it's scott adams that i should be aiming to run off with. what a guy. his new book, "The Way of the Weasel"* proves to me that he and i have more in common than vin and viggo put together (ooh, i did not need that mental image in my head before i head off to work! *sigh* :) on page 11 he says: "The average person can only understand a sentence that has up to three acronyms. At four acronyms, the brain starts flailing like a spastic reindeer in an ice rink."
this man and i were obviously meant to be together. :)
he also is a perpetrator of samspeak. he righteously accuses people of "weaselness" and he says that if you find the creative balance between ignorance and confusion, you might create "weasenable doubt" in your opponent. hur hur hur... he also manages to squooze THREE footnotes (of nigh-pratchett funniness) into the first four pages of this book**.
oh, i'm sure he's married, but hey, as he stated in "Dilbert Future", it's guys like him who will earn the harems in years to come...
he's a cartoonist, a bonafide geek, a great believer in the theology of physics, and he's very cute (LOVE the new haircut, scott!).
sure, we'd have to have extra sunscreen on the beach, and he's not likely to carry my purse for me, but that's ok. i could carry HIS laptop... if vin-like guys came over to kick sand in his face (as IF), i'd just beat their @$$e$. no problemo. :)
oh well. dream big, everybody. and read his books. whether you care for dilbert or not (read ONE strip of "cathy", you'll come crawling back to cubicle-land, i PROMISE!) these books sooth the work and world-frustrated mind. he's funny, he's blunt, and he's RIGHT.
(plus, dogbert is reallyreally cute.)
illegitemi non carborundum, y'all!
*not to mention: 'The Dilbert Principle - Thriving on Business Stupidity in the 21st Century'
**one of them just says "after i racked my brain, i chalked my nose."
this man and i were obviously meant to be together. :)
he also is a perpetrator of samspeak. he righteously accuses people of "weaselness" and he says that if you find the creative balance between ignorance and confusion, you might create "weasenable doubt" in your opponent. hur hur hur... he also manages to squooze THREE footnotes (of nigh-pratchett funniness) into the first four pages of this book**.
oh, i'm sure he's married, but hey, as he stated in "Dilbert Future", it's guys like him who will earn the harems in years to come...
he's a cartoonist, a bonafide geek, a great believer in the theology of physics, and he's very cute (LOVE the new haircut, scott!).
sure, we'd have to have extra sunscreen on the beach, and he's not likely to carry my purse for me, but that's ok. i could carry HIS laptop... if vin-like guys came over to kick sand in his face (as IF), i'd just beat their @$$e$. no problemo. :)
oh well. dream big, everybody. and read his books. whether you care for dilbert or not (read ONE strip of "cathy", you'll come crawling back to cubicle-land, i PROMISE!) these books sooth the work and world-frustrated mind. he's funny, he's blunt, and he's RIGHT.
(plus, dogbert is reallyreally cute.)
illegitemi non carborundum, y'all!
*not to mention: 'The Dilbert Principle - Thriving on Business Stupidity in the 21st Century'
**one of them just says "after i racked my brain, i chalked my nose."
Thursday, January 30, 2003
now let me tell ya, brothas and sistahs, this right here is the reason that this section is called "the RANT":
some of you may already know about my previous adventures with my garbagemen, the worst of which was losing my sweatpants as i ran up the hill one morning... :( i have been flirted with, i have had them meddle in my affairs (literally. one of them was on the volunteer fire dept. with "Red")... but this morning took the cake.
i laid out of work for the morning because i was feeling poorly. i was up all night, ill. luckily, the garbage was already out there - as it has been for WEEKS because they haven't been able to get up my infamous (notorious?) hill due to the !@#$ weather. because so much trash had collected, i needed a better container for it. my neighborhood is loosely run by a gang of thug dogs, so no trash is safe.
due to a chemical expolosion inside of luna's old doghouse (don't ask), i'd had the perpetrator procure me a plastic 50 gallon drum to use as luna's dog house. she refused to enter it (i can't say i blame her) and so it has been out by the dog-run for a couple of years. just recently i discovered that i might be able to make armor out of it, and so i was excited that i had one around. those things are pretty hard to come by. still, i thought that in the meanwhile it would make a PERFECT garbage can. tall, VERY sturdy, holds a lot, dogs can't knock it over. perfect. i only wish i'd thought of it sooner.
so this morning, just after the garbage truck left i went out to pick up the cans and make a quick run to the store for gatorade. i got out to the road, and my !@#$ barrel was gone. i jumped in the truck, peeled out of the driveway and hauled ass down the hill to catch the garbage truck.
any other day, i'd have to dawdle along behind it, late for work, with them waving and grinning at me, but of course today, it was nowhere in sight. gone, *poof*, like kaiser sozhe. grr.
so, i headed into town, and decided to stop at the town hall and express my feelings about the loss of my nice barrel. actually i wanted to express my feelings about the stupidity of this particular bunch of sanitation engineers. i asked the nice lady at the desk
if she could contact the truck - she did. she said "it's already crushed up." i asked her if i had to paint "THIS IS A GARBAGE CAN" on the side of the thing? it was ten times sturdier and three times bigger than any commercial can... sheesh. she rolled her eyes (not at me) and asked how much it was worth. i didn't really want to explain to her that i'd had to threaten someone ELSE for it when they blew up my doghouse, so i just told her that it had been VERY hard to come by. she was so nice.
i went to the store, came back home, and there was a big fat shiny new Rubbermaid Roughneck(tm) in the driveway.
hmph.
still. i can't make armor out of that, now can i?
so, anybody care to come blow up my garbage can?
some of you may already know about my previous adventures with my garbagemen, the worst of which was losing my sweatpants as i ran up the hill one morning... :( i have been flirted with, i have had them meddle in my affairs (literally. one of them was on the volunteer fire dept. with "Red")... but this morning took the cake.
i laid out of work for the morning because i was feeling poorly. i was up all night, ill. luckily, the garbage was already out there - as it has been for WEEKS because they haven't been able to get up my infamous (notorious?) hill due to the !@#$ weather. because so much trash had collected, i needed a better container for it. my neighborhood is loosely run by a gang of thug dogs, so no trash is safe.
due to a chemical expolosion inside of luna's old doghouse (don't ask), i'd had the perpetrator procure me a plastic 50 gallon drum to use as luna's dog house. she refused to enter it (i can't say i blame her) and so it has been out by the dog-run for a couple of years. just recently i discovered that i might be able to make armor out of it, and so i was excited that i had one around. those things are pretty hard to come by. still, i thought that in the meanwhile it would make a PERFECT garbage can. tall, VERY sturdy, holds a lot, dogs can't knock it over. perfect. i only wish i'd thought of it sooner.
so this morning, just after the garbage truck left i went out to pick up the cans and make a quick run to the store for gatorade. i got out to the road, and my !@#$ barrel was gone. i jumped in the truck, peeled out of the driveway and hauled ass down the hill to catch the garbage truck.
any other day, i'd have to dawdle along behind it, late for work, with them waving and grinning at me, but of course today, it was nowhere in sight. gone, *poof*, like kaiser sozhe. grr.
so, i headed into town, and decided to stop at the town hall and express my feelings about the loss of my nice barrel. actually i wanted to express my feelings about the stupidity of this particular bunch of sanitation engineers. i asked the nice lady at the desk
if she could contact the truck - she did. she said "it's already crushed up." i asked her if i had to paint "THIS IS A GARBAGE CAN" on the side of the thing? it was ten times sturdier and three times bigger than any commercial can... sheesh. she rolled her eyes (not at me) and asked how much it was worth. i didn't really want to explain to her that i'd had to threaten someone ELSE for it when they blew up my doghouse, so i just told her that it had been VERY hard to come by. she was so nice.
i went to the store, came back home, and there was a big fat shiny new Rubbermaid Roughneck(tm) in the driveway.
hmph.
still. i can't make armor out of that, now can i?
so, anybody care to come blow up my garbage can?
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
“Hungry Joe was too firmly embedded in calamities of his own to care how Doc Daneeka felt. There were the noises, for instance. Small ones enraged him and he hollered himself horse at Aarfy for the wet, sucking sounds he made puffing on his pipe, or at Orr for tinkering, at McWatt for the explosive snap he gave each card he turned over when he dealt at blackjack or poker, at Dobbs for letting his teeth chatter as he went blundering clumsily about bumping into things. Hungry Joe was a throbbing ragged mass of motile irritability. The steady ticking of a watch in a quiet room crashed like torture against his unshielded brain.”
- Catch-22, Joseph Heller –
i ran across this passage and it really rang a bell. when things start getting furry, this is my first sign.
i am generally intolerant of a lot of certain kinds of noise. i hate white noise, electric hum. my seamus calls me a luddite because i don't have a lot of the usual modern appliances. it has taken me years to get used to the sound of my fridge. people eating noisily and chewing gum can set me into a silent rage on even the best of days. there are three people (one diner, two gum-chewers) that i run into fairly frequently. after a "session" with them my body literally aches from being clenched so hard while i am with them.
when things start to go all... wonky... furry.... sound starts to grate on me in a bad way. i hate any rhythmic clicking, nervous habit noises. argh.
how can people stand me at all?! i guess the same way that i stand them. i need to re-read catch-22 and find out what happened to hungry joe...
hm.
- Catch-22, Joseph Heller –
i ran across this passage and it really rang a bell. when things start getting furry, this is my first sign.
i am generally intolerant of a lot of certain kinds of noise. i hate white noise, electric hum. my seamus calls me a luddite because i don't have a lot of the usual modern appliances. it has taken me years to get used to the sound of my fridge. people eating noisily and chewing gum can set me into a silent rage on even the best of days. there are three people (one diner, two gum-chewers) that i run into fairly frequently. after a "session" with them my body literally aches from being clenched so hard while i am with them.
when things start to go all... wonky... furry.... sound starts to grate on me in a bad way. i hate any rhythmic clicking, nervous habit noises. argh.
how can people stand me at all?! i guess the same way that i stand them. i need to re-read catch-22 and find out what happened to hungry joe...
hm.
Tuesday, January 28, 2003
speaking of emotional nudity...
yesterday i ran into a boy - THE boy - who makes my heart flutter and sing and whirr like... a fairytale faberge clockwork nightingale.
(OF COURSE i was dressed like a southpark baglady, and i - yes, me - can NEVER think of anything even REMOTELY intelligent or interesting to say. he probably thinks i'm autistic. ) it literally throws the all of me right off track for days when i see him. if i have time to mentally prepare myself, then it's ... well, it's better. i am still preoccupied with thoughts of his face and his work (i honestly think of his work instead of, y'know, naughtiness, when i think of him) for days, but i am more in control. when i just happen upon him, it is kind of devastating (in a mainly good way). he's that kind of amazing and fantastic that usually only happens on a galactic scale. i could only use astronomical terms to try to describe him - but i won't.
there will never be a chance for me to tell him any of this, not in this lifetime. and believe it or not, that's ok. i know that if i were able to tell him, then (whatever our individual feelings about this confession) we would suddenly be reduced to two hormonal lumps of divinely electrified meat. this way, it's perfect. i can think of him and his work, feel what i feel, and be reminded that, despite all the odds, my heart can feel this way. the fact that he doesn't know that he gives me this gift does not decrease the generosity or my gratitude.
i don't wish him single, i don't wish him mine, i only wish i didn't appear to be an indigent babbling idiot everytime he saw me.
*sigh*
telle est la vie, telle est amour, tel est art. :)
yesterday i ran into a boy - THE boy - who makes my heart flutter and sing and whirr like... a fairytale faberge clockwork nightingale.
(OF COURSE i was dressed like a southpark baglady, and i - yes, me - can NEVER think of anything even REMOTELY intelligent or interesting to say. he probably thinks i'm autistic. ) it literally throws the all of me right off track for days when i see him. if i have time to mentally prepare myself, then it's ... well, it's better. i am still preoccupied with thoughts of his face and his work (i honestly think of his work instead of, y'know, naughtiness, when i think of him) for days, but i am more in control. when i just happen upon him, it is kind of devastating (in a mainly good way). he's that kind of amazing and fantastic that usually only happens on a galactic scale. i could only use astronomical terms to try to describe him - but i won't.
there will never be a chance for me to tell him any of this, not in this lifetime. and believe it or not, that's ok. i know that if i were able to tell him, then (whatever our individual feelings about this confession) we would suddenly be reduced to two hormonal lumps of divinely electrified meat. this way, it's perfect. i can think of him and his work, feel what i feel, and be reminded that, despite all the odds, my heart can feel this way. the fact that he doesn't know that he gives me this gift does not decrease the generosity or my gratitude.
i don't wish him single, i don't wish him mine, i only wish i didn't appear to be an indigent babbling idiot everytime he saw me.
*sigh*
telle est la vie, telle est amour, tel est art. :)
i seem to know a large number of people who REALLY enjoy being naked. I know a positively shocking (to me) number of people who say they would prefer to be naked ALL the time, and i even know a few who actually LIVE that way (in camps and communes).
i don't enjoy being naked, not physically. not at all. i didn't even really wear shorts until i was 21, and even now, my dress is very conservative. my bathing suit looks like a dress, and after seeing pics of that from last summer, i think i will return to cut-offs and a tank top next year. nudity does shock me, and i am embarassed to admit that, because i know it's no big deal, it's just me, it's just a personal thing.
what's funny to me though, is that my "emotional" nudity seems to shock others the way their "nekkidness" does me. i have had several friends now comment on a couple of my posts here. none of them are censorial. in fact they seem to be complimenting me on my bravery... hm.
over the years i've been called "TOO sensitive" - too which i ALWAYS reply "no, YOU are just not sensitive ENOUGH.", i have been told that i "take things too seriously", that i "wear my heart on my sleeve", "that i give people too much of myself", or that i am, myself, just "too much". i even had a poetry teacher once, at USM tell me that maybe i shouldn't write about such "personal" things, after his own insensitive (read: STUPID) comment caused another student to verbally set him straight and half of the class burst into sympathetic tears.
i don't do this because i want to shock people. i don't do it because i want sympathy*. i do it maybe for the same reasons that some of you don't want to wear clothes. i feel bound. i feel that if i don't do this, i will strangle, or explode. i don't force anyone to hear or read my nudity. i am not an emotional 'flasher'. i offer myself - as much of myself as i can - and it is up to the individual to look, or look away.
my nudist friends are constantly trying to convince me that i'd be much happier with no clothes on. the fact is, i wouldn't. i am always the girl who is trying to borrow someone's moms suit so i can swim while everyone else is skinny-dipping. but i wish that i COULD be naked, be comfortable with the all of me. it would certainly make SOME aspects of my life easier...
but i'm not. so maybe this is my way. and maybe I can help to convince some folks who wish they could go soul-skinny-dipping that it's ok, that they don't have anything we haven't seen before... :D
find a safe place, invite safe people, take it off. take it ALL off - and jump on in. :)
*empathy, however, is a whole 'nother story...
i don't enjoy being naked, not physically. not at all. i didn't even really wear shorts until i was 21, and even now, my dress is very conservative. my bathing suit looks like a dress, and after seeing pics of that from last summer, i think i will return to cut-offs and a tank top next year. nudity does shock me, and i am embarassed to admit that, because i know it's no big deal, it's just me, it's just a personal thing.
what's funny to me though, is that my "emotional" nudity seems to shock others the way their "nekkidness" does me. i have had several friends now comment on a couple of my posts here. none of them are censorial. in fact they seem to be complimenting me on my bravery... hm.
over the years i've been called "TOO sensitive" - too which i ALWAYS reply "no, YOU are just not sensitive ENOUGH.", i have been told that i "take things too seriously", that i "wear my heart on my sleeve", "that i give people too much of myself", or that i am, myself, just "too much". i even had a poetry teacher once, at USM tell me that maybe i shouldn't write about such "personal" things, after his own insensitive (read: STUPID) comment caused another student to verbally set him straight and half of the class burst into sympathetic tears.
i don't do this because i want to shock people. i don't do it because i want sympathy*. i do it maybe for the same reasons that some of you don't want to wear clothes. i feel bound. i feel that if i don't do this, i will strangle, or explode. i don't force anyone to hear or read my nudity. i am not an emotional 'flasher'. i offer myself - as much of myself as i can - and it is up to the individual to look, or look away.
my nudist friends are constantly trying to convince me that i'd be much happier with no clothes on. the fact is, i wouldn't. i am always the girl who is trying to borrow someone's moms suit so i can swim while everyone else is skinny-dipping. but i wish that i COULD be naked, be comfortable with the all of me. it would certainly make SOME aspects of my life easier...
but i'm not. so maybe this is my way. and maybe I can help to convince some folks who wish they could go soul-skinny-dipping that it's ok, that they don't have anything we haven't seen before... :D
find a safe place, invite safe people, take it off. take it ALL off - and jump on in. :)
*empathy, however, is a whole 'nother story...
Saturday, January 25, 2003
i have always (well, since i was nine or so) thought of myself as a "milkweed girl"... or maybe a dandelion puff (blow me). just sitting there in the sun, in the middle of a wild field, waiting for the wind to pick me up and carry me away to the next place...
i'm just wondering. what is it about men that they can't just walk by that bloom? look at it? enjoy the color, the softness, the pregnancy of it's waiting for the wind, maybe even help by giving it a blown breath (did i already say 'blow me'?)? nope. they have to HAVE that thing. pick it, press it, carry it somewhere and stick it in a jar. and then that fluffy ball of seeds dries up and all the little threads fall to the floor and die there. not one seed to blow and grow an some other field.*
oh, sure. it might be nice to be a rose (for a day, maybe). but i am no rose. none of those plants that require cultivation, that need some careful gardeners hand to prune and propagate so they can grow in their neat little beds, year after year after year... in fact, that would kill me. why can't they see that? why must we all be made into roses?
there is a faint ridiculous hope in me that some man - even men, plural - might see this. that the best they can do is maybe walk through the field every few days and watch the uninhibited growth of this weed, watch it bloom and mature and then one day *pop*, open, and the silk sways in the breeze and then gone... and if they were really smart they might pay attention to the direction of the wind and follow and then one day see another bloom, farther down the way and say "hey, that's that same milkweed."
faint ridiculous hope. if they haven't figured it out in the last twenty thousand years, they probably aren't going to get it any time soon.
there's a line from a screaming trees** song called 'look at you': "...one by one they fall it always breaks me down..."
they'll never learn. and milkweed girls will never be truly happy... unless the wind is blowing in a good direction.
blow, wind, blow.
*man i love metaphors. the more extended, the better. they don't have to be clever, or even good. just ACCURATE.
"metaphors be with you." that's the motto for Poetry Alive http://www.poetryalive.com/
**the band tedd quoted in the last day off. 'dust' is my favorite album so far...
i'm just wondering. what is it about men that they can't just walk by that bloom? look at it? enjoy the color, the softness, the pregnancy of it's waiting for the wind, maybe even help by giving it a blown breath (did i already say 'blow me'?)? nope. they have to HAVE that thing. pick it, press it, carry it somewhere and stick it in a jar. and then that fluffy ball of seeds dries up and all the little threads fall to the floor and die there. not one seed to blow and grow an some other field.*
oh, sure. it might be nice to be a rose (for a day, maybe). but i am no rose. none of those plants that require cultivation, that need some careful gardeners hand to prune and propagate so they can grow in their neat little beds, year after year after year... in fact, that would kill me. why can't they see that? why must we all be made into roses?
there is a faint ridiculous hope in me that some man - even men, plural - might see this. that the best they can do is maybe walk through the field every few days and watch the uninhibited growth of this weed, watch it bloom and mature and then one day *pop*, open, and the silk sways in the breeze and then gone... and if they were really smart they might pay attention to the direction of the wind and follow and then one day see another bloom, farther down the way and say "hey, that's that same milkweed."
faint ridiculous hope. if they haven't figured it out in the last twenty thousand years, they probably aren't going to get it any time soon.
there's a line from a screaming trees** song called 'look at you': "...one by one they fall it always breaks me down..."
they'll never learn. and milkweed girls will never be truly happy... unless the wind is blowing in a good direction.
blow, wind, blow.
*man i love metaphors. the more extended, the better. they don't have to be clever, or even good. just ACCURATE.
"metaphors be with you." that's the motto for Poetry Alive http://www.poetryalive.com/
**the band tedd quoted in the last day off. 'dust' is my favorite album so far...
Friday, January 24, 2003
ok, i realize that i have probably p*$$@& and moaned about the weather enough - at least openly. i will just say that my opinion still holds, and that i am (heh heh) on thin ice.
am also debating doing something that might either be VERY stupid, or FAIRLY smart, but most likely BOTH. either way, it's a BIG decision... more on that wheni come closer to deciding. d-day is sometime this weekend, maybe tomorrow night/sunday... expect to hear big news (or not. *sigh*. i am such a freak sometimes) by next week.
something i've noticed in the last few years (but more frequently of late) has been nibbling at me. when someone is "normal" (appearing to be sane, blending, keeping a low profile), people really notice when they go off the deep end. but what about those of us who are already a bit... "eccentric"? how do people know when we are having a truly hard time with reality and all that?
one of my friends said that if i ever DID finally snap and climb the proverbial bell tower, that for once, no one would say "well, she was really quiet... we never suspected..." great.
maybe if i started wearing nice little suits and skirts and pantyhose and paying my bills on time?
i don't think anyone would call me a girl who cries 'wolf'... but maybe there are drawbacks to being/seeming TOO capable? i mean, sure, i have OFFICIALLY been in one side of looniness and out the other. VERY officially. so I know the signs. but it has become quite obvious to me that other people just think "oh, sam (or fill in name of other random weirdo of your acquaintance) is just being strange/weird/funny again..."
hm.
not that this is a SERIOUS concern right now or anything... and that's another problem. when it IS a serious concern, i am not really ... "collected" enough to express this sort of thing.
any suggestions?
what else is on sam's cold and furry little mind today?
well, one friend announced last night that he is possibly (probly) moving to spain for a year - 6 months. then today another friend announced that he and his gal are moving to china in 3 weeks. he says that they are eager for english teachers there and they pay well... hm. hmmm.... hmmmmmmmmm.....
man, is this pushing ALL of my wanderlust buttons!
on top of that, things get hairier here everday. they are positively HIRSUTE.
those of you who know me know that bravery is my #1 most important trait in myself and significant others. i keep wondering if fear is the thing that is holding me back. fear of letting go of a good thing, fear of disappointing my family, friends, coworkers, patrons, fear of screwing up worse than ever before... but my fear of living life in a rut (hole, cave, blahblahblah) is MUCH worse.
i am not only straddling a fence, i am paralyzed there at the top.
spain. china.
life.
am also debating doing something that might either be VERY stupid, or FAIRLY smart, but most likely BOTH. either way, it's a BIG decision... more on that wheni come closer to deciding. d-day is sometime this weekend, maybe tomorrow night/sunday... expect to hear big news (or not. *sigh*. i am such a freak sometimes) by next week.
something i've noticed in the last few years (but more frequently of late) has been nibbling at me. when someone is "normal" (appearing to be sane, blending, keeping a low profile), people really notice when they go off the deep end. but what about those of us who are already a bit... "eccentric"? how do people know when we are having a truly hard time with reality and all that?
one of my friends said that if i ever DID finally snap and climb the proverbial bell tower, that for once, no one would say "well, she was really quiet... we never suspected..." great.
maybe if i started wearing nice little suits and skirts and pantyhose and paying my bills on time?
i don't think anyone would call me a girl who cries 'wolf'... but maybe there are drawbacks to being/seeming TOO capable? i mean, sure, i have OFFICIALLY been in one side of looniness and out the other. VERY officially. so I know the signs. but it has become quite obvious to me that other people just think "oh, sam (or fill in name of other random weirdo of your acquaintance) is just being strange/weird/funny again..."
hm.
not that this is a SERIOUS concern right now or anything... and that's another problem. when it IS a serious concern, i am not really ... "collected" enough to express this sort of thing.
any suggestions?
what else is on sam's cold and furry little mind today?
well, one friend announced last night that he is possibly (probly) moving to spain for a year - 6 months. then today another friend announced that he and his gal are moving to china in 3 weeks. he says that they are eager for english teachers there and they pay well... hm. hmmm.... hmmmmmmmmm.....
man, is this pushing ALL of my wanderlust buttons!
on top of that, things get hairier here everday. they are positively HIRSUTE.
those of you who know me know that bravery is my #1 most important trait in myself and significant others. i keep wondering if fear is the thing that is holding me back. fear of letting go of a good thing, fear of disappointing my family, friends, coworkers, patrons, fear of screwing up worse than ever before... but my fear of living life in a rut (hole, cave, blahblahblah) is MUCH worse.
i am not only straddling a fence, i am paralyzed there at the top.
spain. china.
life.
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
well, i have an interesting p.s. to add to this morning's entry:
putting my feelings out there in black and white kind of galvanized me to try something i've thought about for a while, so, i hunted down my baby sisters' e-mail address (i think its her. i'm pretty darned sure, in fact) and i wrote to her. it's a start, at least.
now, i guess i just wait and hope she hasn't completely given up on me yet.
cross your fingers for me.
putting my feelings out there in black and white kind of galvanized me to try something i've thought about for a while, so, i hunted down my baby sisters' e-mail address (i think its her. i'm pretty darned sure, in fact) and i wrote to her. it's a start, at least.
now, i guess i just wait and hope she hasn't completely given up on me yet.
cross your fingers for me.
I’ve been thinking about my ex husband a lot lately. Steve, his name is. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately, things that I consider often, but don’t normally dwell on; Steve is one of the more prevalent ones.
I see him everywhere, too. Not as he looks now (I see recent pics on the web – he’s still a star) but as he did when we first met. That could be due to the fact that there are a lot of nice-looking, squinkly-faced Irish-Hillbilly types with black curly mullets and freckles and flannel shirts around here (his family names, Tanner/Butler come from these very Mountains), but I think it’s also because of my projected thoughts.
I miss him terribly. Not the “husband” him – I still (and always will, I suspect) believe that I am not the “marrying kind”. I miss the “him” him. He is one of the most wonderful, smart, funny, talented people I’ve ever known. His most amazing and attractive feature is that he is truly good, good to the bone. His small sins, when brought to the light, seem almost funny to a devoted hedonistic blackguard such as myself. I miss him most of all when I’ve gone to see a movie that I know he’d love. I’d give just about anything – short of Luna – to be able to get his opinion on “Spiderman”, “The Brotherhood of the Wolf”, all my Jet Li faves, “Scorpion King”, and of course, “Lord of the Rings”. I want to talk to him about new comics that are out, and about my own work. And more than all of this, I want to see and hear him talk about his child.
It’s so strange to me that, despite the fact that we still feel very kindly toward one another (I do think that there are some past issues that we’d both like to talk about), we are separated by a wall that is bigger than the Great Wall of China. In fact, I think it is possible that we may never speak again. This leaves an empty ache in me that cannot be erased or filled by any other person or thing.
This leads me to consider the others in my life that I am so strangely separated from. My mother, my sister, all three of my brothers – the few people in the world that I should be closest to. There are distances in some of these relationships that I am responsible for, and there are some that I have no control over. I remember that strange print that hung in my grammas house, a pretty arched wooden door, surrounded by flowers, with a glowing, golden Christ knocking there. Sometimes I feel that my heart has a door, and that someone is knocking, but it’s NOT Jesus, and there is no one at home. Not only is the “house” empty, it has been shut up for years, all the furniture is covered in sheets and dust lies thick on every cold surface. Other times I feel that the knocking is nothing more than the door banging open and shut on the abandoned place. Was it me that left? Or them? Or was there ever anybody there at all?
I don’t think I have abandonment issues. I think I have issues of never being picked up in the first place. My guilt for not being closer to my siblings (and friends) is ugly and painful, but that pain is less than the pain of simply not knowing HOW to be closer. I want to heal these places – move into that empty house and clean it up and light a fire and cook some food, welcome those people into my newly hospitable heart, but as time goes by, so very quickly, it seems more impossible every day. How could my sister NOT hate me? How could my brothers – and Steve - respect me at all?
I have other problems in my life. Some that most people would consider far more serious and important than these. But this is the one that dogs my every step. That chases me into – and out of every relationship I attempt, no matter how simple. I need these people, but I can’t give them enough of myself to barter for my own need, it seems.
At the root of it all, stands one small person. One who, as I grow older, I resemble more every day. And she will never face me, she will never help me clean out this place and close the door against the elements.
And I just have to face the facts – and get my ass to work. Day in, day out. Pull up my socks, suck it up (as Karly says) and move on. As always, just deal with it as best I can.
And I have something new to think about, to add to my pondering: the sudden realization that those of you who read this will know more about my true state of heart and mind than any of the people I have mentioned in this entry. Life is a funny thing. The funniest thing of all.
I see him everywhere, too. Not as he looks now (I see recent pics on the web – he’s still a star) but as he did when we first met. That could be due to the fact that there are a lot of nice-looking, squinkly-faced Irish-Hillbilly types with black curly mullets and freckles and flannel shirts around here (his family names, Tanner/Butler come from these very Mountains), but I think it’s also because of my projected thoughts.
I miss him terribly. Not the “husband” him – I still (and always will, I suspect) believe that I am not the “marrying kind”. I miss the “him” him. He is one of the most wonderful, smart, funny, talented people I’ve ever known. His most amazing and attractive feature is that he is truly good, good to the bone. His small sins, when brought to the light, seem almost funny to a devoted hedonistic blackguard such as myself. I miss him most of all when I’ve gone to see a movie that I know he’d love. I’d give just about anything – short of Luna – to be able to get his opinion on “Spiderman”, “The Brotherhood of the Wolf”, all my Jet Li faves, “Scorpion King”, and of course, “Lord of the Rings”. I want to talk to him about new comics that are out, and about my own work. And more than all of this, I want to see and hear him talk about his child.
It’s so strange to me that, despite the fact that we still feel very kindly toward one another (I do think that there are some past issues that we’d both like to talk about), we are separated by a wall that is bigger than the Great Wall of China. In fact, I think it is possible that we may never speak again. This leaves an empty ache in me that cannot be erased or filled by any other person or thing.
This leads me to consider the others in my life that I am so strangely separated from. My mother, my sister, all three of my brothers – the few people in the world that I should be closest to. There are distances in some of these relationships that I am responsible for, and there are some that I have no control over. I remember that strange print that hung in my grammas house, a pretty arched wooden door, surrounded by flowers, with a glowing, golden Christ knocking there. Sometimes I feel that my heart has a door, and that someone is knocking, but it’s NOT Jesus, and there is no one at home. Not only is the “house” empty, it has been shut up for years, all the furniture is covered in sheets and dust lies thick on every cold surface. Other times I feel that the knocking is nothing more than the door banging open and shut on the abandoned place. Was it me that left? Or them? Or was there ever anybody there at all?
I don’t think I have abandonment issues. I think I have issues of never being picked up in the first place. My guilt for not being closer to my siblings (and friends) is ugly and painful, but that pain is less than the pain of simply not knowing HOW to be closer. I want to heal these places – move into that empty house and clean it up and light a fire and cook some food, welcome those people into my newly hospitable heart, but as time goes by, so very quickly, it seems more impossible every day. How could my sister NOT hate me? How could my brothers – and Steve - respect me at all?
I have other problems in my life. Some that most people would consider far more serious and important than these. But this is the one that dogs my every step. That chases me into – and out of every relationship I attempt, no matter how simple. I need these people, but I can’t give them enough of myself to barter for my own need, it seems.
At the root of it all, stands one small person. One who, as I grow older, I resemble more every day. And she will never face me, she will never help me clean out this place and close the door against the elements.
And I just have to face the facts – and get my ass to work. Day in, day out. Pull up my socks, suck it up (as Karly says) and move on. As always, just deal with it as best I can.
And I have something new to think about, to add to my pondering: the sudden realization that those of you who read this will know more about my true state of heart and mind than any of the people I have mentioned in this entry. Life is a funny thing. The funniest thing of all.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
today, i want to say "THANK YOU!!!!" to my friends for the "free mini-vacation" and four-star treatment this weekend... (the squeaky wheel DOES get the grease sometimes, y'all! ;)
I have been patiently chauffered; i got to drink and chat and play with steel and ferret at "Jen's C'mon Inn*"; I met LOTS of new people and played merrily with them**;
I had good food and cider with a bunch of LOVELY freaks; i was thoroughly hugged and "totted" at bruffy's***; and i got my little spot of disneyland riding home and having sing-a-long with wendi (we ROCKED "'round here"). oh, and did i mention DOOOUUUGGGHHHHNUUUTTTSSSSSS! mmmmmm!
thank you SO much, guys. i REALLY needed this.
goddess bless the lot of you.
-sam
*ooh, that's a GOOD one! you need a SIGN, jen! :)
**i am VERY happy with the faire plot and characters - and with my happy role!!!
***i love you all**** so veryvery much. it is heavenly to feel part of a real family. :)
****the whole hee haw gang.*****
*****FIVE footnotes! that's a record! :D
I have been patiently chauffered; i got to drink and chat and play with steel and ferret at "Jen's C'mon Inn*"; I met LOTS of new people and played merrily with them**;
I had good food and cider with a bunch of LOVELY freaks; i was thoroughly hugged and "totted" at bruffy's***; and i got my little spot of disneyland riding home and having sing-a-long with wendi (we ROCKED "'round here"). oh, and did i mention DOOOUUUGGGHHHHNUUUTTTSSSSSS! mmmmmm!
thank you SO much, guys. i REALLY needed this.
goddess bless the lot of you.
-sam
*ooh, that's a GOOD one! you need a SIGN, jen! :)
**i am VERY happy with the faire plot and characters - and with my happy role!!!
***i love you all**** so veryvery much. it is heavenly to feel part of a real family. :)
****the whole hee haw gang.*****
*****FIVE footnotes! that's a record! :D
Monday, January 20, 2003
hi everybody! well, things are better. yesterday i went to auditions which were FUNNY, LONG, GOOFY (at one point they were a little boring)*. They were also really productive and helped to pull it all together - YAY, US! afterwords, good meetings at barley's (mmm, pizzzzzzzaaa - and cider!). then went to hang out with jen and d. again. jen "treated"** me to yet another bad 80's musical. "streets of fire" last week, "the last dragon" last night. (jen MUST know that i really really love her.)
this morning i roused jen and d. for - YAY! - KRISPY KREME!!!! and then buffy came and got me and i came to her house to visit with brett and her AWESOME*** kids, and have one of those fantastic real-mom lunches. veggie pasta soup, salad, and mmmmmmm pimiento cheeeeeeeeese sammiches! man, makes me wanna MOVE in. that kinda lunch is better than therapy. (buffy just cruelly - i am leaving before dinner, i think - informed me that they are haveing SLOPPY JOES and TATER TOTS for DINNER! man!)
girls had a nap, brett went to the computer and left buffy and a couple of hours for MUCH needed trash-talkin'! ahhhhh... :) so, for at least a day or two, my mind was MOSTLY off of the !@#$ !@#$%#!@#!@@!@$$!!@@~@!@$# weather.
wendi will take me home (am being chauferred as esme is either frozen and/or traumatized by the recent events) and who knows what next. will have an extra day off tomorrow, i think i will *gasp* clean the house.
pray for me. :)
*all these observations came from Skye(5) and Ari(7) - Bruffy's kids
**SUBJECTED, more like it
***yet another adjective supplied by ari! ;)
this morning i roused jen and d. for - YAY! - KRISPY KREME!!!! and then buffy came and got me and i came to her house to visit with brett and her AWESOME*** kids, and have one of those fantastic real-mom lunches. veggie pasta soup, salad, and mmmmmmm pimiento cheeeeeeeeese sammiches! man, makes me wanna MOVE in. that kinda lunch is better than therapy. (buffy just cruelly - i am leaving before dinner, i think - informed me that they are haveing SLOPPY JOES and TATER TOTS for DINNER! man!)
girls had a nap, brett went to the computer and left buffy and a couple of hours for MUCH needed trash-talkin'! ahhhhh... :) so, for at least a day or two, my mind was MOSTLY off of the !@#$ !@#$%#!@#!@@!@$$!!@@~@!@$# weather.
wendi will take me home (am being chauferred as esme is either frozen and/or traumatized by the recent events) and who knows what next. will have an extra day off tomorrow, i think i will *gasp* clean the house.
pray for me. :)
*all these observations came from Skye(5) and Ari(7) - Bruffy's kids
**SUBJECTED, more like it
***yet another adjective supplied by ari! ;)
Saturday, January 18, 2003
Oh, mercy.
I went to this nature conservancy place in Asheville a few months ago. It’s one of those places where folks bring injured animals found in the wild for rehab. There were a strange small pack of wolves, a mountain lion, a bear, some deer, otters, two eagles, one with a crushed wing, one blind in one eye, a completely blind owl, and quite a few others. They were all well cared for, and in surprisingly nice, quite large wooded enclosures… Better than you might expect or hope for…
But there was one sad creature there that has haunted me since that day. I followed the path to the big cats’ enclosure and came to a place where there was a low gap in the hedge that surrounded the fence where the bobcats where kept. One bobcat was asleep there, against the fence, but the other was facing the fence and performing this VERY strange hypnotic ‘dance’. He would swing his head – which was very close to the fence, nose almost touching - to and fro, and his chest would follow, and he would step wide to the left with one paw, then to the right with the other, repetitively, without stop. It seemed to be a VERY tight kind of “pacing”, confined to less than two feet of space. He didn’t even turn his body around, just side-to-side, paw-to-paw. He definitely seemed entranced. In fact, my kneeling there did not disturb him, and when others saw me and came to see what I was looking at, he still did not falter. People began to hiss at him, or to other wise distract him, but to no avail. It seemed that nothing could break his pattern.
The fenced area was quite large, larger than my own house, and with trees and rocks and caves. But here this cat stood and swayed and paced, miserable, insane. I was mesmerized, too. A combination of sadness, pity, anger, deep curiosity and empathy held me there. As I sat and watched him, waiting, wishing – praying for some change, a couple passed with a baby in a pram. When the small family had gone a 15 or 20 feet past us, something caused the baby to cry out, to squeal in pain or anger (it was not a happy sound) and at that moment, the cat stopped and looked toward the sound.
He only looked away for a second, and then he turned back, his eyes seemed to re-focus on the fence, he looked – I don’t know, confused? – and then he resumed his strange dance. For as long as I was there, he never stopped. As I walked around, I kept looking back, and even when I walked up the hill and looked down over the wolf-woods, there he was, endlessly pacing.
Even if that cat were let go today, would he be able to survive? It seems that madness like that would never go away… Maybe it would be easier to deal with such madness loose, in the wild, but how far could that poor cat go before he came upon more “civilization? A chicken house, or a bad dog? Maybe the kind thing would be to put it down, to end that pacing and longing forever.
I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop pacing and longing. My own world shrank again yesterday, drastically, noticeably. The four walls – home, work, society, sanity – are shrinking and closing, so much that I feel physically dizzy and slightly disoriented. I have honestly felt that reality has shifted just a few degrees in some direction… everything around me seems slightly out of place, strange and different. Not enough for me to freak out and hie me to Broughton or anything… just enough to make me feel crazy enough to worry.
I feel bad that my friends see me as unhappy and seeming to complain so much, but what seems like complaint is not. Complaint is generally useless – though sometimes the squeaky wheel DOES get the grease… I’m afraid that there’s no grease for this wheel.
It’s not complaint, it’s warning.
I went to this nature conservancy place in Asheville a few months ago. It’s one of those places where folks bring injured animals found in the wild for rehab. There were a strange small pack of wolves, a mountain lion, a bear, some deer, otters, two eagles, one with a crushed wing, one blind in one eye, a completely blind owl, and quite a few others. They were all well cared for, and in surprisingly nice, quite large wooded enclosures… Better than you might expect or hope for…
But there was one sad creature there that has haunted me since that day. I followed the path to the big cats’ enclosure and came to a place where there was a low gap in the hedge that surrounded the fence where the bobcats where kept. One bobcat was asleep there, against the fence, but the other was facing the fence and performing this VERY strange hypnotic ‘dance’. He would swing his head – which was very close to the fence, nose almost touching - to and fro, and his chest would follow, and he would step wide to the left with one paw, then to the right with the other, repetitively, without stop. It seemed to be a VERY tight kind of “pacing”, confined to less than two feet of space. He didn’t even turn his body around, just side-to-side, paw-to-paw. He definitely seemed entranced. In fact, my kneeling there did not disturb him, and when others saw me and came to see what I was looking at, he still did not falter. People began to hiss at him, or to other wise distract him, but to no avail. It seemed that nothing could break his pattern.
The fenced area was quite large, larger than my own house, and with trees and rocks and caves. But here this cat stood and swayed and paced, miserable, insane. I was mesmerized, too. A combination of sadness, pity, anger, deep curiosity and empathy held me there. As I sat and watched him, waiting, wishing – praying for some change, a couple passed with a baby in a pram. When the small family had gone a 15 or 20 feet past us, something caused the baby to cry out, to squeal in pain or anger (it was not a happy sound) and at that moment, the cat stopped and looked toward the sound.
He only looked away for a second, and then he turned back, his eyes seemed to re-focus on the fence, he looked – I don’t know, confused? – and then he resumed his strange dance. For as long as I was there, he never stopped. As I walked around, I kept looking back, and even when I walked up the hill and looked down over the wolf-woods, there he was, endlessly pacing.
Even if that cat were let go today, would he be able to survive? It seems that madness like that would never go away… Maybe it would be easier to deal with such madness loose, in the wild, but how far could that poor cat go before he came upon more “civilization? A chicken house, or a bad dog? Maybe the kind thing would be to put it down, to end that pacing and longing forever.
I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop pacing and longing. My own world shrank again yesterday, drastically, noticeably. The four walls – home, work, society, sanity – are shrinking and closing, so much that I feel physically dizzy and slightly disoriented. I have honestly felt that reality has shifted just a few degrees in some direction… everything around me seems slightly out of place, strange and different. Not enough for me to freak out and hie me to Broughton or anything… just enough to make me feel crazy enough to worry.
I feel bad that my friends see me as unhappy and seeming to complain so much, but what seems like complaint is not. Complaint is generally useless – though sometimes the squeaky wheel DOES get the grease… I’m afraid that there’s no grease for this wheel.
It’s not complaint, it’s warning.
Friday, January 17, 2003
HATE is no longer too strong a word for my feelings about this terrain combined with ACTUAL winter.
Driving home last night was truly a bizarre nightmare. I am traumatized for life – again*.
Hatred. Really. I cried for want of a stretch of straight, level road, highway 49, I-10, 98, long, flat roads, with pine trees that actually start growing level with the road and reach ABOVE it – how novel. At the worst, you might have to drive through rain, or some water, maybe skirt an alligator. No biggie. No snow, ice, FALLING !@#$ ROCKS.
I cried for that, stuck there, almost out of gas, idling along that steep slope, packed in with miles of other sad, scared, tired, angry drivers, for that and a few other things (probably some dumb song on the radio, too**…) but only for a few seconds, as it was screwing up my visibility.
45 minutes to go NINE miles.
THEN I got to 108. Little Nissan pimp-mobiles sliding sidewinder, slow and those GIANT yellow Brazil-mobiles with the blades on front and the blinking lights. So surreal. It took 20 minutes to cover that six miles… and then, at the end of it all, the hill from hell.
I can’t begin to describe the hill to my house. Those of you who know are WELCOME to write in with horror-testimonies. It is BAD. VERY steep, VERY curved. Esme (my truck) convinced me that she could make it. (no, she doesn’t talk. But she is very expressive, nonetheless…). We got over the bridge and as we tried to make the push, she slid, and back we went, luckily, I was able to control her enough to get her safely into a ditch. I went to ask the neighbor if it was ok to leave her there until the thaw (in March?) and he insisted that he was “The King of the Hill” (yes, he really said that) and that he could park the truck.
He was so delighted with Esme, that he decided to BACK her down the hill, over the bridge and all the way to grandmother’s house (a good half-block) just so he could “play”. It was about then that I realized he was drunk. As he began to accelerate, he said (mullet a-flutter) that “Whatcha hafta do is get up some speed!” and he did, and then careened up the hill. “I THINK WE CAN MAKE IT! WOO! THIS TRUCK HAS GOT SOME PAIR!”
Amazingly, we did make it. There was much sliding and praying and hollering, the curve at the top of the hill was terrifying, it was like a nightmare fun-park ride. But sure enough, he swung Esme crazily into the driveway, hooting like a wild Indian. It was INSANE. I told him that he had earned the title of King of the Hill. Redneck pride is an awesome thing, y’all.
I was exhausted. Crashed hard, and woke up to the new nightmare of trying to get to work. I ended up having to walk DOWN the hill (yes, I did fall, once, on the thick ice) and my boss kindly met me on the road near the factory. So no Snow Day Off.
And how in the hell am I supposed to do this all again TOMORROW?
!@#$. !@#$-!@#$%^. !@#$a buncha WINTER!!!
* I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said “Great. Another learning experience.”
**wouldn’t you HATE to die in a wreck crying and singing along with Whitney or Barry Manilow?!
Driving home last night was truly a bizarre nightmare. I am traumatized for life – again*.
Hatred. Really. I cried for want of a stretch of straight, level road, highway 49, I-10, 98, long, flat roads, with pine trees that actually start growing level with the road and reach ABOVE it – how novel. At the worst, you might have to drive through rain, or some water, maybe skirt an alligator. No biggie. No snow, ice, FALLING !@#$ ROCKS.
I cried for that, stuck there, almost out of gas, idling along that steep slope, packed in with miles of other sad, scared, tired, angry drivers, for that and a few other things (probably some dumb song on the radio, too**…) but only for a few seconds, as it was screwing up my visibility.
45 minutes to go NINE miles.
THEN I got to 108. Little Nissan pimp-mobiles sliding sidewinder, slow and those GIANT yellow Brazil-mobiles with the blades on front and the blinking lights. So surreal. It took 20 minutes to cover that six miles… and then, at the end of it all, the hill from hell.
I can’t begin to describe the hill to my house. Those of you who know are WELCOME to write in with horror-testimonies. It is BAD. VERY steep, VERY curved. Esme (my truck) convinced me that she could make it. (no, she doesn’t talk. But she is very expressive, nonetheless…). We got over the bridge and as we tried to make the push, she slid, and back we went, luckily, I was able to control her enough to get her safely into a ditch. I went to ask the neighbor if it was ok to leave her there until the thaw (in March?) and he insisted that he was “The King of the Hill” (yes, he really said that) and that he could park the truck.
He was so delighted with Esme, that he decided to BACK her down the hill, over the bridge and all the way to grandmother’s house (a good half-block) just so he could “play”. It was about then that I realized he was drunk. As he began to accelerate, he said (mullet a-flutter) that “Whatcha hafta do is get up some speed!” and he did, and then careened up the hill. “I THINK WE CAN MAKE IT! WOO! THIS TRUCK HAS GOT SOME PAIR!”
Amazingly, we did make it. There was much sliding and praying and hollering, the curve at the top of the hill was terrifying, it was like a nightmare fun-park ride. But sure enough, he swung Esme crazily into the driveway, hooting like a wild Indian. It was INSANE. I told him that he had earned the title of King of the Hill. Redneck pride is an awesome thing, y’all.
I was exhausted. Crashed hard, and woke up to the new nightmare of trying to get to work. I ended up having to walk DOWN the hill (yes, I did fall, once, on the thick ice) and my boss kindly met me on the road near the factory. So no Snow Day Off.
And how in the hell am I supposed to do this all again TOMORROW?
!@#$. !@#$-!@#$%^. !@#$a buncha WINTER!!!
* I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said “Great. Another learning experience.”
**wouldn’t you HATE to die in a wreck crying and singing along with Whitney or Barry Manilow?!
Thursday, January 16, 2003
Well, considering the time of year, it’s pretty easy for me to decide what to rant about. My friends have all heard it, but obviously I haven’t told ENOUGH people, because I am still ticked. :)
Between the cabin fever, the fact that (to me) it is colder than a well-digger’s euphemism in Idiom-ville, my innate restlessness (wanderlust is not EVEN the word for it*.), the fact that I am terribly “homesick” (I am REALLY missing my aunts, siblings and cousins…), and the feeling that the mountains are closing in on me while I sleep, well, I don’t know… it seems like it’s only a matter of time before I snap. I only hope that my friends manage to kill me before I get all those bags of lime unloaded from the bed of my truck.
Does one HAVE to witness a crime to be accepted into the Witness Protection Program?
Oh bloody heck. It is threatening to snow now… >:[
“Aaalways look on the bright side of life…”
I did something really good for myself (as well as my poor beleaguered contingency of local friends) last weekend. I went to Asheville and spent my days off just playing. Hallelujah! Girls and wine and pubbing, good movies, good talk… and new faces, new streets, new shops, new conversation, new buildings, new places to eat, new activities (the Improv Workshop was a BLAST!)… and best of all, Wendi has a SHOWER! For those of you who have never crouched down in the bottom of the shower and let hot water beat on your back until you feel better – ahhhh, this is good therapy! I don’t have a shower, just my big happy tub, which I do love, but nothing beats a good squall in the bottom of the shower.
I have similar plans this weekend, too. Auditions Sunday, and then I hope to hang out with Jen and D. again (Jen and I went to Goodwill and wandered downtown on Monday**. She’s a great shopping/lunch kinda’ buddy. This room mate thing might actually work!), and I think Buffy and I have some plans to play on this Monday.
Life is beautiful…
If only these MOUNTAINS would quit closing in…
*I’m actually wondering if the whole PLANET isn’t too small for me…
**She also introduced me to another freaky sexy librarian! Hey, Lisa! ;)
Between the cabin fever, the fact that (to me) it is colder than a well-digger’s euphemism in Idiom-ville, my innate restlessness (wanderlust is not EVEN the word for it*.), the fact that I am terribly “homesick” (I am REALLY missing my aunts, siblings and cousins…), and the feeling that the mountains are closing in on me while I sleep, well, I don’t know… it seems like it’s only a matter of time before I snap. I only hope that my friends manage to kill me before I get all those bags of lime unloaded from the bed of my truck.
Does one HAVE to witness a crime to be accepted into the Witness Protection Program?
Oh bloody heck. It is threatening to snow now… >:[
“Aaalways look on the bright side of life…”
I did something really good for myself (as well as my poor beleaguered contingency of local friends) last weekend. I went to Asheville and spent my days off just playing. Hallelujah! Girls and wine and pubbing, good movies, good talk… and new faces, new streets, new shops, new conversation, new buildings, new places to eat, new activities (the Improv Workshop was a BLAST!)… and best of all, Wendi has a SHOWER! For those of you who have never crouched down in the bottom of the shower and let hot water beat on your back until you feel better – ahhhh, this is good therapy! I don’t have a shower, just my big happy tub, which I do love, but nothing beats a good squall in the bottom of the shower.
I have similar plans this weekend, too. Auditions Sunday, and then I hope to hang out with Jen and D. again (Jen and I went to Goodwill and wandered downtown on Monday**. She’s a great shopping/lunch kinda’ buddy. This room mate thing might actually work!), and I think Buffy and I have some plans to play on this Monday.
Life is beautiful…
If only these MOUNTAINS would quit closing in…
*I’m actually wondering if the whole PLANET isn’t too small for me…
**She also introduced me to another freaky sexy librarian! Hey, Lisa! ;)
