well, folks... i have a BAD case of "pre-vacation-itis". like kids the week before school's out. i just don't CARE! i wanna GO! my attention is wandering, i'm in a daze... staring out the window... my temper is even shorter than usual (eek!). i just want People* to leave me alone, and i want to get the !@#$ OUTTAHERE! i still have lots to do, but it's manageable. i've taken care of the "serious" details - work stuff, lulie, mail, $$$. i need to finish cleaning the house, i have to pack, and then "CALIFORNIA, HERE I COME...!"
i love to go to new places. i think i'd rather travel than almost anything besides swim and eat... and traveling to new places to swim and eat is just the donkey's knob! i have been out to san jose and the bay area before, many moons ago, to visit a friend. that was a great trip, too. but to see it through my brother's eyes, and to be old enough to wander on my own a bit, if i want to. that will be nice.

i've been having a bit of a... not really an 'existential crisis' - i don't have those. maybe a 'directional crisis' lately. it's not that i have no direction, it's that i'm being dragged along in a big ships' wake and i want to break free and swim on my own. mortality is really looming over me, i am becoming very aware of just how little time i really have left to explore this ball of mud. last night i dreamed** that i was dead and still walking around. i kept trying to explain to my friends that i was ok, i was just dead. and i was trying to be REALLY careful and not damage myself, because i knew that my body couldn't recover from the damage. hm. doesn't take an 80$-an-hour shrink to figure THAT one out.
i am also aware that i am at a very bad age and stage of sam-ness to be kow-towing to a thoughtless, inconsiderate government REGIME*** that is slowly but surely chipping away my rights one by one. i don't think any of you really have any idea what that does to my soul and my disposition**** to have to live with this feeling, to know what i am sacrificing every minute of every day for the sake of so-!@#$-called "security". will i wake up one day with a bad back, carpal tunnel syndrome, 25 years in the same @$$-kissing position and not even a !@#$ christmas bonus to show for it? not "no", but HELL no! this bobcat is tired of mindlessly pacing the fence. she is now looking for a way OUT.
OUT!
OUT!
and for now, the end of this day, i am outtie. and then one more day, and i am outtie for a whole WEEK!
how pathetic is it that i am so excited about one week of freedom? that's like fire being happy about it's seven seconds on the head of a match.
much love, and more anger,
-your sam



*not my friends, but People, with a capital P. grr... raaar!
**this was AFTER the weird dream about the twin jackie chans, one good one evil, stuck in a room fighting over a set of keys, and before the dream of the art deadline from hell. i woke UP tired this morning.
***don't even get me !@#$ STARTED!!!
****ESPECIALLY those of you who THINK you know.