The traditional saying is "Happy New Year" and I know that it's supposed to be spoken as a wish, a'la "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Birthday" (though it really is almost command-like, innit?) but the way it looks and sounds to me, it seems as if it is supposed to be a statement of fact. Good people always ask "Did you have a good holiday?" and though it pains me to do so, I can't just say "yes" if it's not true* so this year, every poor kind soul has had to hear the truth. No, it's not been good. My baby is dying, and it's a slow and painful death that is exhausting to her and us in every possible way...

I think the wish needs to be re-phrased. "I hope you have a happy new year/holiday/birthday..." so that it is clear, and you're not just left standing there, not saying anything but a shallow mumbled 'thanks' and feeling terrible because you know that the truth is that you are miserable, and your misery is compounded by the expectations of joy that surround you on such a holiday - along with the knowledge that it will be that much harder to let time muddle the edges from the pain, because you will remember everything that much more clearly, simply because it all happened during such a marked time - a time when the command is to be happy, really.

I'm sorry. It's not all bad. Lu is having a rough morning. Her breathing is labored - even though her swelling has gone way down - thanks to the good doctors at Landrum Veterinary Hospital.
However, we had a joyful evening all together last night, with Uncle Stewart and Uncle Jay visiting and playing games and being extra sweet to the puppy. I hadn't realized how isolated we'd become in the last month, because we can't leave her alone, or even with a friend for any length of time, because her care is often strenuous, delicate, tedious or messy. It was so good to have two good, understanding friends come over on a night when everybody else in the world is doing something symbolic and/or extroverted and be with us all. It was a refreshing drink of water that everyone of us here at 25 Wall road really, really needed. We laughed and had conversation and never had to be out of sight of the sick baby, who was able to be warm and comfy in her bed most of the time. This morning X ventured out for bacon to compliment our waffles (and Luna's increasingly picky appetite**) and soymilk for our coffees, and we are going to curl up and have a lazy, breakfasty morning followed by a lazy chinese soupy afternoon (I went to the asian market yesterday and stocked up on all our favorite things). I figure seaweed will be our traditional greens, and we'll have soy beans instead of black-eyed peas, and still have all our superstitious southern bases covered. Chris has to work this evening, but not until 4, and only until 8 or 9, so he can still have a relaxed holiday evening after work.

So, although happiness is not a blanket fact, it's still a hope, and a possibility. Despite the misery, there are little sunny warm spots of happiness to be found. I hope I don't miss any of them. Enjoy your loved ones, be together if you can, and may there be warm sunny spots, even if your happiness is not guaranteed.

much love,
-s

*Usually, I can say yes, because I generally make an effort to have a good one, if I am able - and I am usually able.
**She's down to ham, bacon, chicken - and for some odd reason, chinese soup with tofu and shrimp and veggies - all which have to be heated for her to be interested in - and little catfood nibbles. However, if she's in the mood to eat, she will still eat well, so it's worth the effort.